Not Quite There...

So I'm officially done with classes. I'm not officially graduating, but I do feel like I have had the world lifted off of my shoulders. I started and finished my Christmas shopping yesterday after my last class. Another sigh of relief. The tree is up and decorated. My doctors' appointments have gone well (had to load up since I finally have insurance). I'm getting back into my exercise routine. My new bathtub is sitting in the garage just waiting to be installed, so I can start soaking up the bubbles in the new year. Sigh, Sigh, Sigh, and Sigh.

I've also learned a valuable lesson. Procrastination, isn't a good thing. I know I'm not the only one in the world that procrastinates, but staying up until 6 a.m. to do work, is probably the best display of procrastination that I can come up with. Is there anything that you're procrastinating? Christmas shopping, losing those last pesky 10 pounds, or spending some time with family and friends? My advice: time is short so stop procrastinating (hopefully I can practice what I preach, at least for the rest of the year).

So now I've got projects to do around the house: buy and finish a pantry for my kitchen, paint the upstairs bath (after the bathtub is installed of course), and buy our new kitchen table. I also start my internship with Our House Magazine, which I'm really excited for. I'm looking forward to look at beautiful houses in the Poconos and the Catskills for inspiration.

Now to get into the holiday spirit, here is what I'm watching. Obsessively:

Feeling So Refreshed...

I have to admit, I feel amazing. My last official class was yesterday and even though my last final isn't until next Tuesday, I still feel amazing. I feel relieved. I feel like I'm finally able to breathe. I started walking again, which will hopefully turn into jogging again. I went back to Jen Murphy's class last Thursday and plan on going back again tonight. Let's just say, skipping workouts for two months straight, not the best idea. I was in so much pain that I could barely walk for the next two days. But I have to admit, I love it. I love the feeling of the workout pain. At least that way you feel like you've accomplished something. I love it.

Now to my new favorite thing. Honey in the raw. Unfiltered, raw, honey. It is the best thing ever! I'm a person who suffers from stomach problems and it has already helped me. I use it in my tea and although it doesn't look like the honey that I grew up with, it definitely tastes like it. Good stuff. And it tastes amazing.

On another note, I went to the doctor for a checkup that's been long overdue and everything looks great. She says my weight is perfect. My good cholesterol is at 60 and my bad is at 101. So this is great. Hopefully I can keep everything on track so then when I'm my parents' age I don't suffer from everything that they do: high cholesterol, high blood pressure, diabetes... the list seems endless. That's why I do what I do; I never want to have to deal with unneeded health problems. Preventative medicine... let's just hope that I can keep this mentality going.

One thing I keep forgetting to mention is this: I, for the past three months, have fit in my size 6 Abercrombie & Fitch shorts from when I was 17. I'm kinda on cloud nine about it. Actually, I'm over the moon and thrilled. For some reason, this was always my goal. Not a number on the scale and not a certain look, just these shorts. For some reason I've always held these shorts up to be the moment where I remember feeling comfortable in my own skin. Needless to say, I fit in them. They're actually a little loose. I couldn't even fit them up my thighs a year ago. So, I'm thrilled. I'm happy. I'm beyond the moon. Oh, life is good.

Now I'm off to start decorating for the holiday season... I'm a little behind.

Almost There...

I'm almost at that moment where I can begin breathing again. I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm overwhelmed. I've been writing so many stories for my classes in the past few weeks that I'm actually tired of writing. I'm tired of reading. I never thought I'd be there. I know the love will come back after I can take a moment to myself, but right now, I've been ambushed with information overload. I can't take it anymore! I can't wait for the lazy day. The day where cleaning my house, working out, and working will be all I have to do. Only a few more weeks...

So Behind the Times...

I can't help it. I might be a little behind the times, but I just discovered through my blogging the girl on page 194! She's me... well not really ME, but I relate so much to her. I'm a girl who works out and eats right but I'm never going to achieve that tight body that you see on the pages of Fitness or Shape. It's ok. Really I'm ok with not being that girl who can eat everything and look like she's only eaten lettuce, but man it's just refreshing to see a girl with curves who is proud of those curves. My hubby loves my body. Now I can honestly say that I feel a little bit more comfortable because of the girl on page 194 (Lizzie Miller). Kuddos to her and to Glamour for showing a real woman in the magazine. Now we can only hope for the front cover! (I'm so behind the times, this was from August!)

PHOTOS COURTESY OF GLAMOUR

Ughhh...

So I guess I got what I asked for. But I didn't want it to happen this way. I'm sick. So sick that I was given a mask to wear in case I decided to leave the house. No it's not swine flu, but the doctor wanted to take all precautions just in case I got a high fever, then it might be. But I'm on antibiotics, nasal spray, and ibuprofen. I'm starting to cough up stuff— the nice mucus that doctors are famous for asking about the color of— mine is green right now doc, thanks for asking. I think I'm going to start to feel a little better because I can get off the couch. But my body aches, my ears ache, and I can't stop hacking up stuff. It's terrific. I keep drinking lots of green tea with organic honey and trying to drink water, but I just can't stand it right now. So my friends right now are my box of kleenex and my heating pad. My blanket is my frenemy— sometimes I just want to get all bundled up underneath it and then the next second I want to throw it across the room because I feel like it's smothering me and my ability to breath.

My hubby has given me a continuous supply of delicious soup. One day it's chicken and dumpling and today it's italian wedding. Oh how I love the little meatballs that are hidden inside. Unfortunately, the hubby has to work so he can't sit here and take care of me completely. Thankfully I have a mother who is more then willing to help her daughter out. "No matter how old you get, I'm still your mother and you're still my baby!" Isn't she cute? She picked up my medicine from the pharmacy, got me some diet ginger ale, tissues, a thermometer, and some vicks (a sick person's best friend!).

So here I am. Getting nothing accomplished and making no money (that's the one downfall about bartending, you don't exactly get paid sick time). Hopefully tomorrow I wake up feeling refreshed because I can't take anymore time off. The doc says I shouldn't be contagious by tomorrow, so here's hoping. I'm just thankful that I can lift my head up off the pillow. Oh, did I mention how much I love having medical insurance? Such a nice perk of married life.

Do You Think It's Possible...

I'm waiting for this magical moment where I'm not tired. I feel like one day I'm just going to wake up and not be tired. I feel like I'm going to wake up and feel refreshed. Do you think it's actually possible? Because right now I know it's only my dream. I want to be one of those people who wake up and feel like 8 hours were enough. I want to wake up and feel like 4 hours were enough. I just want to not be tired. I look in the mirror and I feel old. At 25 years old, I feel like my body is crying out loud and yelling at me to just slow down and take in the moments around me. But I can't. I can't slow down because I have to work and I have to go to school. I wish I could be one of the lucky ones— one of those kids who goes to school and mom and dad pay for it— but I know that's not possible. I know I have a better life than most of the people around me. I know that I have the best husband in the world, a beautiful home, and an amazing family. I couldn't be luckier... I just wish I could be less tired. I want to be able to wake up and go for a run. I want to feel like I have energy running through my body instead of loads of green tea. I look at my wedding band and engagement ring, I dance in the living room with my husband singing into my ear and snuggling up to my face, I look at my mom and see the most amazing person, I sit in our home drinking a cup of tea— there are so many things that I have to be grateful for. I am so blessed. I just wish I could get a few more hours of sleep.

Everyone tells me, "just a few more weeks and you're done with classes and everything can get back to normal..." — why does it feel like these next few weeks are going to go so slow and I'll never be able to sleep again? Why can't I just see that J-school will be over soon and that I won't regret it? Maybe it's because I'm so frustrated with journalism and the business aspect of it all. I went into journalism because it seemed like a great solution for finding a career that went along with my love of writing... it seemed like a good idea a few years ago- now it just looks like I'll be bartending and writing blog posts to keep myself sane.

I need to go and run. I need to do pilates. I need to do yoga. I need to snuggle up to my hubby on the couch while reading a good book. *Sigh* In just a few weeks this will all be possible... please let these next few weeks pass very quickly.

Love This Day...

This is a great day. A big pot of freshly brewed strawberry green tea and me on my laptop (I have some designing to do for my copy editing class). Then I'm heading to church with mom. Then the Halloween party at work— it's Disney themed this year, so I decided to be Minnie Mouse. I'll post some pics later.

Now I have to just find a way to keep myself from eating the bags of candy my husband bought for the trick or treaters that will never come! We didn't have a single one last year. I'll put our porch light on early, if someone comes, they're getting the whole bag! Oh well, back to work.

Oh yeaaa...

So today feels like my first lazy day in a long time and I have to admit, I'm loving it! I know that I should be more productive and get some exercise in, but I just have no energy. I did try to get my upcoming bride-to-be friend to go for a walk with me but she's feeling a little under the weather. I'm waiting for the hubby to leave for the gym and then I'm going to do my pilates video and my wii fit. I need it. I've been so busy with work and school- I just haven't been able to get my ass to Jen's classes or hit the pavement or hit the gym. I've been doing some schoolwork and catching up on my fitness and self magazines. I've got some great tips and some great recipe ideas. I can't wait till I have the time to put these new ideas into action. When I do have the time to cook, I'll post the recipes. Promise.

I have to admit, this is my kind of day.

I'm heading towards cup of tea number four and it's 6 p.m. I had my usual two apples with almond butter for breakfast and about an hour ago I had some air popped popcorn with some butter spray and garlic. I love this as a snack— even if I treat it as a meal because I eat a big bowl of it, but let's just say, my stomach loves me for all this fiber that I consume when I eat my big bowl of popcorn.

Right now the hubby is home because he's catching up on some work stuff for a test he has tomorrow for a possible promotion. I hope he does great because he deserves to. By the time I get home from work tonight he'll already be sleeping, so I'm enjoying the fact that the two of us have time to just sit on the couch together— snuggled beneath a king size blanket, not really saying a word, and doing our work. This is my kind of day.

Yesterday, I think I possibly consumed 10 cups of tea. I think I'm becoming totally addicted to its warm deliciousness. Today, I've been drinking green mint tea, but I'm going to switch it up for my next cup which is brewing right now: Blueberry green tea. Oh yea— just enough of a hint of blueberry and the rest green tea. It's pretty much a perfect addition to my green tea cabinet of choices... did I mention that this is my kind of day?

Busy Busy...

I'm very tired. Very sleepy. Sometimes I feel like my eyelids are just going to fall down to my chin. But it's ok because it's almost over. There are like five weeks left of classes and then I can seriously rejoice in my new bathtub...

After going to the doctors today for the first time in three years, I feel like I can hopefully just know that everything comes back normal... all I need to do now is go to the gastroenterologist and know that my stomach issues are just normal issues. I hate having IBS. Thankfully when I went to the doctor today I didn't eat or drink anything beforehand because I was able to get bloodwork done at the same time... starving afterwards, but happy that I didn't need to make another appointment.

After my appointment I headed over to a bathtub showroom because we're redoing our bathtub to include jets. The only problem is that the hubby wants a one-piece shower tub combo and I want a deep bathtub with air jets. Let me tell you, this is a hard combo to find. I think I found one here, but it has a roof on it, so I'm not sure if it will fit. I guess we've got to talk to our contractor. I can't wait to be able to soak in a tub again. I love taking baths and being all warm and bubbly in a jetted tub. That's the one thing I miss from my mom's house. I'm just happy to have the opportunity to get the new tub. I seriously dream about it. Coming home from a long day of work and school— just soaking in warm bath water with lavender oils (the reason I want an air jet tub, you can't use oils in a standard whirlpool).

Yesterday was a long day... up at 6 a.m. for classes and at school until 5 p.m.- then going to work until 1 a.m. and having some nutty customers to watch the Yankees with. I'm really hoping they can pull it off tonight. Hopefully it's just as busy tonight as it was last night. I drank my warm cup of tea the hubby had made and I just passed out before my head hit the pillow... I like busy nights, I need another one— I need to pay for this tub, don't I?

Just Overwhelmed...

It's been a rough week for me between handling my class load and working. I feel like there isn't enough hours in the day to do all that I need to do or want to do. I talked to my boss about cutting back on some hours just so I can have a little bit more time to do some school work and after doing less work (4 hours less) this weekend, I have almost completely caught up. It feels really good and I'm starting to feel more comfortable with my classes as well. It's amazing how four hours less of work can really change my week. Although it was short, it was still a stressful work weekend. One of the cooks quit (he apparently didn't like taking orders from me) and I had quarters thrown at me from a customer. Oh the perks of working in a bar. This is the first time in awhile that I've looked forward to going to class instead of going to work. The writing is helping to keep me sane— it's what I'm looking forward to.

I hate the fact that it's hard for me to control my emotions and my emotional eating. I ate the icing off of six cupcakes on Sunday! All I wanted to do was eat the icing off of one- see how well that worked out? I can't complain too much, it could have been a lot worse, but the sugar rush killed my head and my stomach. I guess that's what I get right? No more though. I had one day of sugar and I've regretted it ever since. Today I was back to green tea and natural foods. Today I feel more like myself.

11 a.m.- Woke up to cuddling with the hubby and a couple of cups of green tea and organic peanut butter and jelly on matza bread, it's one of my favorites.

Noon- Took the hubby to get his oil changed and then headed to my Uncle's business to pick out a new tub for our bathroom. I can't wait to have a deep tub with jets. I've been looking forward to having a tub like that since I left my mother's house. I love a good bath at the end of a hard day. The husband got some lunch— a cheese steak, oh how I was jealous! Came home to smell the greasy goodness while I did some editing of papers.

1:30- Dropped off the hubby to get his car and headed off to New Paltz.

2:45- 7:20- Had to get more hot water for more green tea, at least three times. Had my favorite class, Feature Writing, and then my next favorite, Copy Editing. I feel like I've learned more from these two professors than I have in my years of schooling. I'm definitely feeling more confident in my writing, which is a great thing because I'm going to have to find an internship soon.

7:30-8:30- Talked to my mom on the drive home about everything and anything.

8:30- Cooked dinner for the hubby and watched some of the best All in the Family episodes. The last one is my favorite. It shows how much Archie loves Edith, even if it's hard for him to say it: "I've been tooting my horn for all these years. But Edith, I'm nothing without you." While watching this I was also doing some work, I swear.

Midnight- Checking out blogs before heading to bed. So nice to not work. I just need to fit my workouts back in and I need some sleep before I have a mental breakdown now...

Sick Again...

I'm sick again. I'm so tired of being sick. This is the second time in two weeks and I have so much school work to do and catch up on. So many interviews to do and I can't keep my eyes open or keep a tissue off of my nose. It's Christmas in October because I definitely look like Rudolf. I have a doctor's appointment for NEXT Thursday. The first time I've been to the doctor in almost three years. Hopefully she can let me know why my immune system sucks so bad because I seem to always be getting sick and I'm the healthiest person I know. I take vitamins, I eat right... granted I never get consistent sleep, but sometimes I get eight hours. Oh well, I've got to head to the bank and then up to New Paltz for class. Yesterday I finally bought some new shirts to fit me from Target and a new comforter for the bed (one that covers both sides of the bed, yea for oversized king comforters!). Now hopefully I don't look like too much of a slob because my clothes don't fit. Then I made dinner for the hubby that he's going to love: thin sliced chicken rolled up and stuffed with laughing cow french onion cheese and parm cheese. He's going to love it.

So, one class and one paper to write for class tomorrow morning, then I'm hitting my bottle of Nyquil because I need to get some sleep and feel better tomorrow morning. Six a.m. comes way too quick. And I've got way too much work ahead of me. I hate not being able to work out right now too because of being sick. But Friday I made an eye doctor appointment too, to figure out why my contacts are killing my one eye. I've been wearing my glasses for over three weeks now and it's getting really old...

Relaxing...

Finally on Friday I got the chance to relax a little bit. I have to admit, sleeping in is probably one of my favorite things. It's so nice to be able to be in bed underneath the covers and know that I don't have to be anywhere in particular, at anytime in particular. Fridays are my favorite day. I honestly look forward to just working on the weekends and not having to go to school. I did my investigative reporting paper and sent out some e-mails about internships, but I haven't heard anything back. It's only been one day, so I'll try not to be impatient.

Noon- Woke up and had my two apples with almond butter and a glass of skim milk. Caught up on some DVR'd TV shows and did my paper for class. Also sent out those e-mails. Made hubby some lunch for work, cleaned the toilets (ughh), did some pilates...

5-7ish- One of my friends from high school finally stopped by my house. We're the friends that won't see each other for a long time but when we do see each other, it's like we never stopped. It was nice, just like old times. Sitting on the couch bullshitting together. It's funny how things change over the years, but I do love her friendship, it's so easy to forget.

7:30-2:30 a.m.- Bartended and had a pretty good night. Of course, it's filled with drama as always, but that's the bar business. I work at a bar/restaurant that's staffed with all women too and our owner is a man- it's a funny combination- he doesn't know how to handle all the estrogen sometimes and the girls are crazy, it's always a fun time.

2:45 a.m. 4 a.m.- Came home and made the hubby some eggs because I didn't feel like going to get Dunkin Donuts for him. Took a nice a hot shower and felt amazing. I love a hot shower before getting comfy sleep clothes on. Perfect end to the day.

Today I had another day of sleeping in. I woke up around noon and now I'm blogging with a big mug of tea with fresh honey in it from New Paltz. I also just got my medical insurance card. It's so exciting that I'm going to be able to make doctor's appointments, it's been way too long since I've been! So now I'm going to set up some appointments and do some copy editing and layout homework before heading to church with my mom. I really don't want to wake up early tomorrow, so Saturday night church is a perfect solution. I love saturdays...

Remember That Procrastination Thingy...

Yea, well my procrastination has finally kicked me in the ass. I apparently had two papers due today for my feature writing class and I only did one. Yes, it was on the syllabus, but we deviate from the syllabus so much that I honestly didn't think anything else was due except for the paper we talked about last week in class. Oh well, I'm allowed to slack a little right? I can't do everything on time. I'm the laziest busy person I know. I want to be lazy so bad, but I just can't find the time to do it! Although I did find the time to sleep in today after leaving work at 1 a.m.- sometimes sleep really is the best medicine (well, that and cuddle time with the hubby)

11:30 a.m.- Woke up to my husband taking a shower and getting ready to leave for work early. He had to pick up the dry cleaning that I dropped off the other day. Today was his first day of his winter uniforms (perfect timing by the way, today was also our first day of snow!)

I, of course, had my favorite breakfast in the world, two apples (yes, I'm addicted, but it could be worse) with fresh almond butter. Peanut butter just doesn't cut it anymore, and Soon's Orchard makes the best- just almonds, no oils, no salt, no sugar- just all good stuff.

12:30-1:30- Picked up around the house and made the bed (a little obsession I have before I leave for the day- as long as the hubby isn't still sleeping). I had to print out the paper that I had done for my class too- then I checked my school e-mail and noticed that she mentioned the assignment that I didn't do. By that point it was just too late to even think about it.

1:30-2:55- Drive up to New Paltz listening to my new favorite artists- David Nail and Joshua Bell- two artists that I don't think could be more different, but nonetheless I love them both. David Nail I heard from awhile back but I just newly discovered his album. Jonathan Bell is discovered from an article in The Washington Post and I had to listen to him. Amazing.

3:05-4:30ish- Feature Writing class where we watched a PBS video on the change of media. A little dated even though it's from 2007. Now I have to write a paper on the video for Monday's class. She let us out early again. I'm not complaining or anything, but driving up there in the snow sucks, especially when the class isn't as long as it's supposed to be. I think I'm the only college student to complain about leaving class early.

4:30-6:50- I talked to my mom on the drive home. I love her so much and I miss her even though she's only 10 minutes away. When I'm in school I just have no time and it sucks. I try to have as many moments with her as possible- she better know how much I cherish them. She was telling me how to make a chicken pot pie for the hubby. I found a recipe that was just so detailed and I didn't have time for it. Thank God for mom and quick recipe fixes. You gotta love how working moms always know how to make good food quick. Made it to Shop Rite and the liquor store (I was out of my favorite wine, I always like to have it in my fridge just incase I'm in the mood). Grocery shopped- my favorite thing, as long as I'm not hungry, otherwise I go crazy.

7:00-10- My best bud came over to go to her first Jen Murphy class. I was really afraid that she wouldn't come, but I so badly want her to get motivated so I was glad that she showed up. As always Jen kicked ass and my friend Trish will definitely be feeling it tomorrow. But she will love Jen and I are her wedding day! After the hour class we sat around the kitchen table talking about the upcoming wedding and looking at pictures of what my dress will look like. It's cute, so I'm actually not dreading it! I can't wait to see her in her dress! We're getting so old! Married women, who would have thought it.

After cooking my hubby's pot pie and cleaning up the kitchen, I'm now relaxing with the him (he got out of work late, so he didn't go to the gym) oh, I'm so upset about it too haha. Now I've got to get moving on sending out some e-mails in order to get an internship. I'm hoping to stay local. Here's hoping that I get the chance. Maybe I should try to play catch up on my school work too. I have to send out some e-mails to teachers too for my interviews for my investigative reporting class. So much to do. So little time. Oh well, I guess I'll go cuddle instead. I need some hubby time. He's what keeps me sane.

Procrastination is a Bitch!

I just realized that I'm again falling behind on school work and hoping to win the lottery is just not going to cut it. I had every intention to wake up early today and actually get some things accomplished, but after having breakfast and turning on the Golden Girls, I found myself drifting back to sleep. Then after my husband woke up, I finally got my ass in gear. Rushing as always.

12:30- I leave the house with books in tow, a 32 ounce bottle of water, my husband's dry cleaning that he needs for Thursday, my half-charged cell, and unfortunately without any green tea. I was a hot mess, dropping stuff while heading downstairs to my car. Stop at a local orchard really quick because I need fresh almond butter, peanut butter, apples, concord grape spread, and apple cider. Luckily my bill was $38 because I had exactly $40 in my pocket.

1:40- I arrive at New Paltz and thankfully pulled right into a parking spot because I was running late and had to go to the bathroom (my 32 oz water was finished on my car ride up).

1:45-4:40- My investigative reporting class. Which I'm realizing I'm falling a little bit behind on, so I'm getting scared. Again, procrastination is a bitch.

5- Drive very quickly out of New Paltz to Middletown in order to drop of my husband's dry cleaning so it can be ready for him to pick up for work on thursday. For some reason he decided it would be great to wait to the last minute... hmmm, I think we're perfect for each other, eh?

6ish- I'm home and have just enough time to change my clothes for work and fill my 32 ounce water bottle back up. I head off to work for a shift that is supposed to start at 4 p.m. but because of school and my very understanding co-workers/friends and boss I'm given lots of leeway on the time.

6:30-1 a.m.- I work and painfully think of the fact that I have school work to do before doing it all over again and waking up at 6 a.m. As one of my customers annoyingly reminded me, my not sleeping thing is, "very dangerous and not good for your health." Really? Thanks, I thought only sleeping an hour or two was completely healthy. Thanks for the input.

1 a.m.-4:45 a.m- I work and research.

4:45 a.m.- Finally I sleep. I e-mailed my professor the homework.

I'm becoming a walking zombie at this point, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end, when I get "there." I just can't wait for those golden moments of eight hours of sleep. I remember them from the summer. I can almost taste them. I still need to get my exercise in because I'm realizing that it keeps me sane. But on days like this one was, it will only be a 20 minute pilates dvd, no Jen Murphy. After class again today, I've got work again tonight. Thankfully, my boss and friends are letting me sleep and I'll be in at 6 p.m. Thank God for friends! Now it's time for bed so I'm not "dangerous" to myself and others.

Back into the Swing of Things

I cannot believe that it's been a month since I've blogged! But my life has definitely been in a whirlwind in the past month; I've been busy, very busy. On September 21, my husband and I got married! Officially. The wedding was perfect. In one word, it was just perfect, there is nothing else to describe the day. I never thought that a day could honestly be as magical as our wedding day was. Not one thing would have been changed- from the flowers, to the dress, to the music, to the candle-lit tables, everything was perfect. Surprisingly, I wasn't crying throughout the entire day- I was composed and giddy. I've never been happier in my life. It was a day to be enjoyed and a day that we'll both never forget. I will also remember, forever, the weight that I was on this day: 143 pounds! I have not thought of being under 150 pounds since I left my teenage years, so this accomplishment was more than I ever expected from myself. Not one time did I think, "do I look fat" or anything like that; not a negative thought was in my head. I've never felt more beautiful in my life. I want to weigh this weight 20 years from now- if we ever have a child, after I have the child, I want to weight 143 pounds. I've never felt better in my life. I wake up feeling sexy. My whole outlook on everything is changing- I feel so proud of myself for reaching my goal of weighing 150 pounds- but I actually beat it. I haven't weighed this little since I was 16- almost 10 years ago. My husband couldn't watch me walk down the aisle because he was getting so emotional; in the receiving line, after the wedding, he asked me to do a little twirl for him so he could see me in my dress... all he keeps talking about is me in "that dress!" what an amazing feeling! I know that on my wedding day I looked amazing and couldn't have felt better. What a feeling! I'll never forget this day.

Now I'm back to reality. After 3 weeks of no workouts, I finally went back to Jen, and oh how I suffered! Her thursday class kicked my butt and friday I was feeling all the aches and pains of her workouts, but I have to admit, it felt so good! I've missed that feeling. Today I had a session with Jen and again she kicked my ass. But I'm not complaining because I see the results and I feel the difference in my workouts- she says I've taken my game to the next level... what a compliment! Now I've got to get my best buddy motivated to lose weight too! She's getting married in July and I'm her matron (so weird to say!) of honor and she needs to get motivated to get into her beautiful wedding dress. So, here I am, a newly converted exercise girl and healthy eater, and now I've got to help my best bud. I know it's not going to be easy, but like me, she's got no choice in the matter but to get her ass in gear. So i'm going to be the angel on her shoulder telling her what to do- hopefully I can help her out. First step, Jen Murphy classes. She's such a motivation, so I'm hoping she'll motivate my friend too.

This weekend was Jen, pilates dvd's, and wii fit... I've just got to keep motivated, just like I have been. My mii on wii fit is now at "normal" weight and is looking skinny and trim. I'm at 22 percent body fat. I was at 28. I couldn't be more proud, but I think I said that already. Good things are always worth repeating. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to some windsor pilates. As my nutritionist doctor has said, dedicate at least 10 minutes everyday to exercise and you'll never fall back to being overweight. With Jen at least 2 to 3 times a week and my wii fit and windsor pilates dvd's I can't fail. I never want to fall back to being overweight again. My husband can't stop looking at me, Oh what a feeling that I never want to lose! I just keep having faith that this feeling will never end.

Guilt...

I feel a little guilty for not going to one of Jen's classes last night, but I couldn't spare a minute of time. I woke up with every intent of going, but unfortunately I was thrown a couple of assignments my way, and had to opt for my computer screen and books instead. I know I needed to do it, but I'm really enjoying my workouts. With this class and work schedule, the only day this week that I'll be able to go is Friday afternoon. It's definitely a bummer. I feel stronger when I leave a session with Jen and I feel invigorated. It's just disappointing that school and work are causing so many conflicts. Maybe once the wedding passes I'll be able to fit more in. It's just that writing 3 or 4 papers a week doesn't leave me much time for myself anymore. And I love time for myself. To curl up with a good book or a cup of hot tea. That's the perfect ending to my day. I just wish I was able to have those perfect days a lot more. I guess I'll have to suck it up for now. As long as I keep my eating in check, I'll still be able to lose these last couple of pounds. Thankfully I do a lot of walking at school and I still try to make time for my 20 minute pilates dvd. I guess I'm starting to realize that I can't do it all. I have to get enough sleep in order to even function throughout the day, so sometimes the working out is the only thing that I can put aside; for now. So right now, I'm doing some class work between classes and sipping on a cup of green tea with lemon (courtesey of my big thermos and my lemon packets). I'm just waiting for those precious hours of sleep that await me tonight. And tomorrow afternoon before class, I hope to get some great stretching in with my pilates dvd. I need it. My back can't take this driving anymore. I'd rather stand all day than do this for 14 more weeks! But alas, I'll be working tonight, so that standing thing will be happening soon enough. I just can't wait for our wedding day... and now my best bud has asked me to be in her wedding in 10 months! It's so much to look forward to... I love getting dressed up and having fun with friends, and now I have an even better body to put clothes on! Yeaahh me! At least that's something that I'm not guilty about :)

Getting So Close...

The big wedding day is just around the corner... 17 days to be exact.  To say I'm starting to get stressed is an understatement, but it will all be worth it to see the joy on our friends and families faces... and more importantly on our own.  My progress has been great when it comes to my diet.  I'm eating 2 meals a day that contain a protein and veggies... and throughout the day I'm turning to veggies and fruit to keep me on track.  I'm down to 148 lbs.  I can't believe I weigh below 150!  It's honestly been about 8 years since I've weighed that little.  I couldn't be more excited.  I just wish I wasn't as stressed as I am.  Between a full work load at school (15 credits) and my full-time job, I'm exhausted.  Some days I'm only getting 2 hours of sleep after work before waking up for classes.  I can't stand commuting anymore.  My back is killing me!  I'm trying to fit in Jen and her classes in every spare moment I can get.  It's worth it.  I know it's worth it all because on our wedding day, I'll never have to worry and say "do i look fat?" I've never felt happier about myself and about the way the hubby looks at me.  It's amazing what 20lbs can do for a woman's self-esteem.  The only thing I long for is more hours of sleep.  Oh the joys of summer, how I miss you!  Today was the first day that I was able to finalize some wedding stuff.  It felt good to get some things done.  It felt great to realize that I really don't have much left to do.  17 days and counting... I can't wait!  I'm so glad I pushed myself to lose this weight before the big day... I may have lost my boobs, but I've gained so much confidence!  Love, love, love this feeling! 

One Month Till the Wedding!

One month till our wedding and I'm on such a perfect path to losing the weight I want to before the big day.  I'm at 151 right now, by the big day I'd like to weigh 145-140.  For me, that's a size 6.  A size 6! I haven't been that size since I was 16 and this time, I'm actually doing it the right way.  Eating right, mostly a diet of protein, fruits and veggies and lots and lots of exercise.  Jen Murphy is a miracle worker.  My body is changing so much and I love looking at myself in the mirror right now.  I can do pull up crunches with ease now.  Crunches are getting easier and easier.  Squats are like nothing now.  The pain is getting easier to bare after my workouts and I feel so energetic.  I'm following Jen's recommendation of making sure I have protein everyday.  I take this protein called New Whey.  It's basically like a shot of liquid.  Not like a needle, it's like a shot of alcohol- but doubled.  It's the easiest way for me to get my protein in and I can drink it right after my workout or keep it in my pocketbook and drink it quick at work.  It's the easiest way for me to get it in- and I don't have to get out my blender or drink some nasty thick shake.  I love this protein.   Check it out.  

Today was my wedding dress fitting.  It was amazing.  The dress is big on me, but they don't want to take it in until my next fitting on September 12th because they don't want to take it in more than once.  My veil was almost finished and my hair clip is amazing.  I'm beyond cloud 9 right now!  Unfortunately, losing this weight has also caused me to lose a lot of my boobs.  It sucks, but I'd rather be thinner with a smaller chest then big with a bigger one.  If the fat has got to go, it can go from anywhere on my body, I'm not too particular.  I can't wait for my next fitting!  So much to look forward to... 30 days!  I'll officially be a Mrs.  

So Jen is adding a Wednesday and Friday afternoon class to her schedule once the kids go back to school.  A 1 pm class is perfect for us night working girls.  That means I might be able to get in 4 days a week with Jen.  I love it... I think I'm getting obsessed with working out.  This is a nice addiction.  I'd rather love this than my obsession with food.  Life is good...

I Love Cooking...

After a nasty bought with my IBS I decided to go off of Jenny Craig.  I think the massive amounts of sodium that are in frozen dinners are just not good for my body.  I'm back to eating fresh fruits, fresh veggies, and chicken... it just made me think, I love to cook.  I love making meals into healthier version of standards.  And my hubby loves my meals too, so I guess I'm not that bad of a cook.  I wish I could open my own restaurant, but to make money you need to have money to spend... maybe one day.

So yesterday, I hit up one of my favorite places, Soon's Orchard, and bought organic peanut butter (for $2) and tons of apples, blueberries, peaches, nectarines... I love local farms, and I wish there were more in my town, but that's the nice thing about going back to school soon, New Paltz is full of local markets.  I hear there's a farmers market on weekends in my area, but to get anything good you have to make it there at 8 am.  That's just not going to happen when I go to bed at about 4 am on Friday night... maybe one day if I ever work a normal schedule.  But tonight I must say, I think I outdid myself with the food for hubby's dinner tomorrow... Cheddar bacon Chicken- low fat, low sodium, and still full of taste.  I can't wait till he eats it.  I love cooking... I've missed it so much.  

Feeling Frustrated!

My weight is not budging.  I'm doing what I'm supposed to do, but nothing is working... am I complaining? Yup.  I have stomach problems that are plaguing me and I feel like it's the reason I just can't budge.  Jen thinks I need to step up my cardio from walking.  I think it's a combination of both.  It's just so damn frustrating.  I'm so hungry after my workouts so it's hard to keep my head moving toward a goal.  I know sometimes I eat too much, but too much fruit and veggies? How is that possible?  How can the things that are good for you, keep you from getting what you really want?!  The days I eat a lot of fruit and veggies to stay off my hunger, my stomach problems act up even more!  I'll try to keep what the hubby says in mind, "drink water and wait 20 minutes before you go for something more to eat..."  I'm trying... did I mention that I read the Monica Seles memoir? I want to say, if she could lose weight, so can I, but let's be realistic...  I've been in such a mood the past couple days because I feel disgustingly bloated and in pain... why can't this be more simple?  I don't want to feel like these sessions with Jen are a waste... this week will be two days in a row with her, let's see some more results body!  ughhh... let me just be in my mood

Step by Step...

Went for a nice walk yesterday with my best bud and it felt great.  My back is hurting a little bit today, but I'm pretty much convinced that it's from my long night at work and not from the walk.  So I'm relaxing at home and sitting on my heating pad.  It's been awhile since I've needed to relax my muscles like this, but it's definitely feeling good.  I got my new easytone shoes from reebok in the mail on Tuesday.  I've been talking about these shoes for awhile, but finally broke down and bought them about two weeks ago.  I needed new shoes for work, so of course, I had to buy them in black.  With as much walking and standing I do at my job, I figured these shoes would be perfect to help me tone up the tush a little bit more.  It could be all a fraud, but I let you know how I feel once I look in the mirror in a couple of months.  Anything to supplement my workouts and eating lifestyle is welcomed.  I like the shoes.  I feel like my legs are a little more achy by the end of the night, so in my eyes, aches mean that post workout feeling that I'm starting to love.  The walk with my bb was so nice.  We walked through a local cemetery that is just beautiful (in the day time).  It leads to the spot where our two local rivers meet, and three states meet.  Unfortunately, our town has let this land get a little overgrown, but we decided that it might be our job to complain to the common council.  They act like they're proud of this spot, yet they've let it become something that doesn't even remotely look like a landmark.  Our walk kept us intrigued... looking at the dates of those who have passed, what names were popular during which time periods, and which names we couldn't even pronounce.  It's a great spot to walk in the sunlight of the afternoon because there are so many trees; you actually forget that it's hot out.  Tomorrow we're walking in High Point.  It's a great walk which can be followed by a swim in a lake.  I don't think it gets any better than that... 

Cancelled Sessions...

I love having workout partners, but it gets hard because of conflicting schedules and cancellations.  I had to workout without my one partner on Monday and my session for tomorrow has been cancelled by my other partner.  I need these sessions to continue flowing forward because it's hard to stay motivated without my trainer.  So I'm popping in my pilates dvd before I head out to work today and tomorrow one of my bff's is going to hit the pavement with me and go on the long walk to nowhere in particular.  I love the long walks, I'm just hoping that the weather holds out tomorrow and saturday.  Right now I just gotta keep my food on track and keep myself motivated to continue working out even if I don't have the benefit of a trainer.  It's not easy going at it alone.  I'm trying to surround myself with like-minded people... hopefully they continue to be motivating...

Keep Moving Forward...

Jen Murphy is the best motivation for me to get my ass off the couch.  I can't stop reading these past few weeks and I'm getting addicted to tv.  It's so nice to just have to work and not go to school at the same time.  I wish life was always this simple.  Just work at night, sleep in till before noon and keep night owl hours with my hubby.  I'm loving it.  But Jen is keeping me working out and our upcoming wedding is my other motivation to keep eating right.  I had to work out with Jen on my own on Monday because my workout partner couldn't make it.  I don't mind going one on one with Jen but sometimes I like having a partner to grunt and complain with me while working my ass off.  I'm starting to love the pain.  I know it's working.

This past weekend was my bridal shower (AHHHH! sooo emotional!) and I loved every minute of it.  It was nice to have everyone together for a happy reason and not for a sad one (these funerals have got to stop!).  It was hard to be perfect with all the amazing food around, but I tried to stick with the fruit and veggie platters.  Ok, I had some Herr's sour cream and onion chips and a piece of my amazing cake, but other than that I thought I did pretty good.  I skipped the ziti and the sandwiches from my favorite sub place.  I'm trying to not strive for perfection, but just for consistency.  I just want to be on track to losing 10 more pounds before the wedding.  I can't wait for my next fitting, but I won't like it if I haven't lost anymore.  So I got to keep moving forward and stop being stuck in this rut.  Now I have the memories of my bridal shower cake, and the future of my wedding cake to get me through these next couple weeks without junk food... Oh yea, and the wedding license application that's sitting in our safe.  What a motivation, seeing my new last name in print (AHHH! sooo emotional)  let's just keep the emotions for my tears and not soak them up with food...

Feeling Exhausted...

It's been a rough food week.  Again.  I just can't seem to visualize what I want.  I guess it's because I haven't had it without doing in all the wrong ways.  I Just feel like unless I'm not eating or purging then I'll never get to my image of where I want myself to be, especially on our wedding day.  Then I had my dress fitting on Wednesday and I cried.  I saw what I want to see on the day of our wedding.  I couldn't believe how many inches I've lost, even though the weight is coming off so slowly.  The dress is going to have to be taken in!  But we're waiting until August to take in the dress, just in case I lose more weight.  I was super excited!  I've been more motivated to work out though lately then to eat right.  I didn't lose weight this week at JC, but I'm hoping that's because it's that time of the month and not because I'm not working hard enough.  I just don't want this weight loss to overtake me like it has before.  I'm trying really hard to stay in control without getting crazy.  It's just hard sometimes to stick in this middle zone when you're so use to the extremes...

My session with Jen was solo this Friday because my fellow bartender was sick.  It was actually really nice to work with Jen on a one on one level.  We focused on my butt and thighs and my lower stomach.  That's me, butt and thigh girl.  But then again, I like my butt, I'm just looking for it to be tighter and not flop out to the side like a pancake when I sit.  How do women get thighs and butts that don't flop to the sides?  I'm hoping Jen has got this answer!  Because I sure as hell have tried everything and trust me, the quick fixes don't work on this forever either!  I can't wait for my next session because I feel so in the zone when I'm there.  I just wish I was in the zone all the time, especially when I'm emotionally in a place that isn't conducive to eating healthy 24/7.  Day by day I swear it gets easier, then I swear it gets harder to stay motivated.  I think I'm a bipolar weight loss addict... one day I'm looking so good and the next second I look like a cow.  Yup, definitely bipolar weight loss.  

Just Not Feeling Right...

Ok I've broken some rules when it comes to my stomach problems (IBS... at least that's what they think it is).  Let me explain...  For the past week since my last weigh in I've been feeling really cocky.  I do this all the time when I start losing weight.  I start feeling like I don't need to stick to a plan and I can do it on my own.  I know I'm wrong.  I'm always wrong with it.  That's why I never get to my goal weight.  I had at least 2 dunkin donuts coffee coolattas this week (skim milk no whip, as always)- this is rule number one with my IBS- NO COFFEE!  Then I ate cheese.  Not just a little bit of cheese, which doesn't hurt my stomach, but a lot of cheese.  Three times this week I had some mozzarella and some parm cheese.  It just tasted so good the first time, that I wanted it again and again.  That's rule number two- NO CHEESE!  So what happened this weekend?  I suffered from massive stomach problems.  Doubled over in pain and complaining and complaining.  It was, of course, my own fault, but I'll only admit to that here.  I had to take this nasty drink stuff (magnesium citrate) in order to help, but it's my own fault... Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

So today was another Jen Murphy day.  I talked to her a little about the pain that I've been in from the workouts and that afterwards I just have no energy to do anything.  It's getting frustrating because I want to workout three days a week to four or five, but it's really hard when all I want to do is sleep on the days that I'm off from working out.  I just need time to recover it feels like.  She thinks it might be the fact that I am on a calorie restricted diet.  She thinks that I need more protein after our intense workouts.  So I followed her recommendation today and took a protein shot.  I have to admit, I do feel a little better today.  But that might also be because we did a lot of pilates today and not as many squats and lunges.  We shall see tomorrow when I wake up-  we'll see how much pain my muscles are in.  The hubby and I went for a walk tonight too.  I have to admit, I absolutely loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately, he got bit up constantly, so I'm not really sure if they'll be a second go at it.  But, I did love it, so I might have to finagle my way into another night out with him like tonight.  Anything is possible...  Like me giving up cheese again- I did it for Lent, maybe I should try to give it up for good... 

Better Week Then I thought...

I really wasn't expecting to lose much weight this week, but when I went to Jenny Craig today, I ended up losing 1.4 lbs.  That's been my best week since my first week on the plan!  So exciting!  I guess it is all paying off, even if everything is coming off slower then I really want.  I'm still really thrilled about it.  I ate out last Monday, and then ate the leftovers on Tuesday.  So I'm pretty much thrilled that it ended as well as it did.  I'm almost at 10lbs, which just thrills me... I can't wait to start feeling the results more and more each day.

I ended up going to my mom's for the afternoon.  We made pies but before the shock settles, they're fat free, sugar free, crustless pies.  The pumpkin is one I've made before and LOVE.  But we tried the same recipe but with blueberries.  It was interesting to say the least.  It wouldn't harden at all so I kept adding gelitine to it, when all it really needed was to be chilled.  My bad.  It ended up a little rubbery, but better then we both expected when we were watching it bake.  

Jen Murphy was pure torture as always.  Too many squats, too many lunges, too much pain!  But results here I come... I know all this is paying off.  Maybe I should stick to my meal plan a little more strictly and it will just melt off of me... I'm going to get this under control, yup, here's me, getting my shit together... 

Loving this Feeling...

So my next dress fitting is officially on July 15th.  I'm super excited to see how the dress has changed on my body.  I feel so many changes happening and I'm looking forward to them everyday.  I woke up a little bit earlier today to make the hubby some dinner for work tonight before I left for my training session.  I made him beef tenderloin scewers with fresh green beans that I cooked on the grill.  A little bit of italian dressing and kickin' chicken seasoning and I'm sure he loved every minute.  I'm feeling inspired to eat right, so I need to push the man to do the same as well.  I want to ferment him and keep him with me forever! 

The session with Jen went great.  I'm feeling so much better.  I still want to kill her, but now I can do roll ups with ease (I say this lightly because nothing with Jen is really done with ease).  She's got new tricks up her sleeve though.  Today I had to struggle to pull myself across the floor with just my arms.  Ok, doesn't sound hard?  Well do it in the plank position (the position before doing a pushup) and put paper plates underneath your feet.  Now drag yourself with just your arms.  Yea, that's what I thought.  Hard as hell.  But I want to do this before the wedding.  

I just made some fresh juice with my juicer and now I'm eating some asparagus tips and fresh green beans.  I love feeling healthy.  I love seeing the changes.  I love living this life instead of the one where I laid on the couch all day long with no exercise, eating whatever I wanted.  I even watched a movie without needing some popcorn (granted I always airpop, but it's still extra calories I don't need).  Dress fitting is just around the corner!  I can't wait to see my progress... 

Not Feeling Too Hot...

Well Jen Murphy session was yesterday and I pushed through it even though I haven't been feeling too hot.  It actually turned out to be a great session.  I also had to let Jen know that the leg kicks we've been doing are killing my lower back, so they're definitely out of the picture.  Being on your feet all day at your job while your back is killing you is not so much fun.  So she said she'll come up with new ways to attack the butt (the spot I want firmed up the most, second is my stomach).  After Jen I went up to my moms for a few hours and then came home.  I decided to paint our downstairs bathroom.  It's been bugging the hell out of me that almost all the rooms in the house are painted except the baths.  Finally, I decided to start and finish it.  I don't know why I decided to paint the bath when I wasn't feeling too good, but I started and had to finish it.  Bad idea!  After arms with Jen, painting a small room is not recommended.  All the nooks and crannies and corners.  Horrible!  My arms are aching today.  Thank God I washed my hair and shaved my legs last night.  I have no motivation today to do anything.  I really want to just eat everything but I'm trying like hell to hold myself back.  I hate temptation.  Another reason why I decided to not go to my hubby's aunts house (her father passed away).  She welcomed me saying, "there's so much food!"  AHHHHH no please.  I can't handle the food right now.  So I'm laying around deciding on whether or not it's going to be a movie night tonight, either way, the couch is my friend for the day... 

Oh the Humanity!!!

Another session with Jen Murphy and another day of feeling like I'm the most out of shape person in the world.  Things are getting so much easier to do, but that's in comparison to barely being able to do anything with ease that she put forth.  My back hurts really bad.  My arms are going to be too sore tomorrow to wash my hair.  And my appetite after these workouts is out of control!  It's such a struggle to not want to eat everything that I possibly can when I get home.  It helps when the hubby is home because I'm more in control when he's around.  He's like my food angel.  He sits on my shoulder watching me (he doesn't actually watch me, but when he's around, I tend to be in more control of the situation).  I had some organic peanut butter with some concord grape jelly, on a spoon... yea that's right, on a spoon because I refuse to make a meal out of it.  I just needed something that was off of my Jenny Craig plan and peanut butter, to me, is like what chocolate is for other people.  It was heavenly.  I'm working tonight and as always I'll struggle to not graze on the croutons that sit out waiting for me to eat them.  That's my goal for tonight: no croutons.  I'm in so much pain right now, so I should make it work for me... I'll skip the croutons.... 

By the way, I hate Jen Murphy...

Exhausted but it Feels So Good!

It's another rainy day in New York but thankfully my friend Trish and I were able to get a nice 5 mile walk in before it started to downpour.  It felt good.  I felt energized.  I'm feeling like everyday that I wake up, I decide that it will be a day that I will conquer.  I've been eating really well and my exercise is definitely on track.  It felt nice to walk for 2 hours and not feel like the end just wasn't coming fast enough.  When I first started walking that's what it felt like.  The moment I started, I wanted it over with.  I always wondered how much longer it was going to be before I could just sit back down and get to my second favorite past time: being a couch potato.  Now I honestly feel motivated.  I'm down 8 lbs since I've started this new plan: exercising and eating right at the same time (what a concept!) I'm loving it.  I love feeling like this weight struggle isn't going to beat me; I refuse to struggle with this anymore!  I refuse to be the girl with the pretty face who could lose a few pounds.  

The walk was nice.  I got to spend time with one of my best friends and I got a great workout in.  We came home, sat on my front porch drinking water and watching the rain.  It was a perfect day.  I love the smell of the rain and I love the feel of it.  I'm just hoping it can hold off until the nights so I can at least keep getting my workouts in.  Tomorrow is my first session with Nykki and Jen Murphy.  Can't wait to be in more pain!  Lovin it, Lovin it... 

Feeling Good and Starting to Believe it...

So another day with Jen Murphy.  Another day of feeling like the most out of shape person that ever lived!  But towards the end of the session I was able to do things that I couldn't last week.  Jen was proud.  I was proud.  I moved through the session pretty well.  Granted I won't be able to wash my hair tomorrow because of the pain my arms and shoulders will be in, but I'm loving it.  I'm going to start meeting with her twice a week: one session with Lori and the other with Nykki.  It's great because I'm getting twice the training for the price I would pay for one session on my own.  It's great motivation.

Another great motivator is my hubby.  The other day, as we were folding and putting away laundry, I caught him staring at me.  When I asked him why, he said, "everyday you get more and more beautiful.  The older you get the more beautiful you are.  You're becoming such a beautiful woman..."  He killed me with that!  He makes me feel so beautiful everyday, but hearing words like that just made me melt over and over again.  I'm a lucky woman.

As for my diet it's also going really well.  When I was up at my moms doing wedding invites and going through her hope chest (which is being passed down to me and will soon be refinished) I didn't eat anything that would trip me up.  My step father has always been a huge junk food junkie and being up at my mom's house is usually torture.  Instead I had a few pretzels, an apple, a banana, some strawberries and a fat free sugar free pudding.  Yea it's a lot but I was up there for hours and it beats eating badly.  I just got home about an hour ago and came up with a delicious way to eat my daily veggies.  Try it, it might sound crazy but it's so tasty:  Take some tomato, green pepper (or any veggie) and place them on a baking sheet with tin foil on it.  Put your oven on broil and then use some wish bone honey mustard spray (the spray dressings) and then put some parm cheese on the top.  Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes or until the cheese browns.  It's a nice quick and healthy veggie snack that beats having a salad every day.  Enjoy!  I'm stuffed from it and can't wait to get some fresh veggies to try again.  Maybe I can get the hubby to eat it too, but it would have to be made with green beans, he hates tomatoes and peppers. I think I'm becoming a housewife, and I love it... how did this happen?! 

Rough Week but It's Getting Better...

So everything seems to be looking good with my mom.  The surgery was successful and the doctors are optimistic that the cancer hasn't spread.  To say the least, I feel so relieved.  I feel so grateful and hope that the doctors are right and my mom's test results come back negative.  Please remember her in your prayers. 

As to my workout week... it's been an interesting one.  I haven't worked out much since my Jen Murphy session last week.  But I have been trying to remain active.  I walked when I was at the hospital with my mother and I have continued to do the criss cross sit ups that Jen has recommended.  Surprisingly, when I went to Jenny Craig yesterday I still lost .6 lbs.  A little over half a pound isn't bad, especially with barely working out and not eating according to the plan.  And it's that time of the month, so I'm a little bloated.  Honestly, I was expecting to gain weight, but to my surprise I still lost, even if it was only a little.  Hey, a little is better than nothing at all, or gaining!  So I'm actually thrilled with my .6 lbs and it's honestly made my week a little better.  I'm pretty much on cloud nine over it.  When I was getting dressed yesterday I went in to show my hubby the progress and he can't believe how flat my stomach is looking.  I can't either!  It's just strange to me because I haven't lost that much weight in the 3 weeks I've been seeing Jen and Jenny Craig.  In total it's 5 lbs.  But my body is changing like crazy.  At least I think it is.  I think I always get discouraged and give up easily because I don't SEE the changes, hopefully this is what I need: to do the eating plan and to see a trainer, maybe that will be what will keep me on track.  I've always done one or the other.  I'm either eating great and doing no exercise or I'm exercising and eating like what I put in my mouth doesn't matter.  I'm changing everyday.  Maybe this is the grown up me looking at weight loss.  I'm not freaking out about losing .6lbs like I would have before.  I'm rejoicing over it.  Hopefully with my optimism this week will be even better...

How to NOT Emotionally Eat!

I've always been an emotional eater.  I was when I was young, and I still struggle with it at 25.  Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room at St. Peter's hospital in Albany, trying to pass some time while my mother is in surgery to remove her womanly parts.  I haven't slept in over 24 hours and all I want to do is cry for my mom, cry for my aunt, and cry for myself.  I've pretty much come to the conclusion that with two female relatives having cancer in my family, it is almost inevitable for me to face the same struggles when I'm in my fifties.  My aunt passed away almost exactly a month ago after a 9 year struggle with breast cancer and now my mom has ovarian.  It's so strange to me.  I always remember as a child that my mom and my aunt would go for walks, eat salads, and fruit salads.  They never wanted to face the same fate that my grandmother held, which was morbid obesity.  Yet, my grandmother passed away at 71- years old and my aunt passed at 61.  My mom is 54, going on 55.  My aunt was diagnosed over 9 1/2 years ago with cancer and fought the most courageous battle.  I couldn't have been more proud of her and I hope she knew that.  We were such a close family when I was younger and I cherish those memories and I only hope that my cousins and I still remain close through the years when we have children and start growing older.  I just think to myself, my mom is 54.  She's so young and my family was hit so hard with cancer-  In the same week we found out of my aunt's sure passing and my mom's diagnosis.  It's been a hard month.  So here I am in the waiting room in Albany and all I want to do is cry.  My mom said to me this morning when I called her to see what time we were meeting for the drive up, that I need to watch myself and make sure I go to the doctor once I have insurance.  It's sad that my mother has to worry about me at 25 - it's sad that she has to worry about me having this damn disease one day.  Cancer- I hate you!  I hate you for putting my family through hell and I hate you for looming around me.  I hate that my mom cries because she no longer has a sister.  I hate that my family has done everything that they're "supposed to do" to take care of themselves and yet this disease still has it's dirty little head involved in all of our lives.  One thinks to themselves, "i'll eat right, i'll exercise, no one says I have to be perfect, but I'll do what I need to do to take care of myself."  And yet it doesn't really matter in the end does it?  My grama didn't take care of herself a day in her life.  She went to weight watchers meetings and then went out to dinner afterwards with her "friends."  She was a sad woman most of the time.  Food didn't make her happy but it helped her mask all the pain she was really in.  Food was the thing she lived for.  Any excuse to eat was an excuse for her to feel happy.  It wasn't the food, it was the companionship.  (A lady just walked around with a basket of food- I took a graham cracker- I didn't reach for the cookie)  So here I am, in a waiting room, staring at a number on a screen that represents my mom- I'm waiting for my moms fate.  Has the cancer spread?  Did they catch it quick enough?  All these questions are running through my mind, yet the person I want to talk to and cry with is lying in the OR, the other is at home laying in bed.  I'm not good with emotions.  I wear them on my sleeve.  I always have.  I want to ball right now, but I know God is listening and this collossal joke that is cancer will not rear its ugly head in our lives anymore.  Are you there God? it's me Dana.  And I'm tired of crying over my weight.  I'm tired of trying to take care of myself if this is all pointless.  So if, in your infinite wisdom you decide to take my mom from me, or you decide to take me from my mom, let me know now.  I'm tired of fighting and struggling to get this thing under control if it's just not worth it.  For years my aunt and my mom walked, they ate salad, they ate fruit and they took care of their families.  They did what I'm doing now.  So let me know, is it worth the effort?  Cuz right about now, I want to grab a cookie...

I Hate Jen Murphy! ok ok I love her...

I'm in so much pain.  Our training session with Jen Murphy just ended a little over an hour ago and I'm already in so much pain.  Now we've been working out for awhile, Lori and I, and I didn't think I could be in more pain than I have been after our sessions, but man was I wrong!  I've never hurt right after working out, normally it takes a day or two.  Planks, roll ups, criss crosses, everything we did kicked my ass.  I love this pain but man I hate it just the same.  Give props to Jen Murphy, she definitely knows what she's doing.  I'm a huge fan of hers, become one too... www.jenmurphyfitness.com

Now is it just me or do you always look fatter than you think you are once you're working out in front of mirrors?! 

Everything hurts...

Everything, I mean everything on my body hurts today.  After the first workout session with Jen Murphy and then working out yesterday with Lori at the gym (Nykki overslept), I feel like every inch of me hurts.  But I love it, it's the best kind of pain.  I love knowing that I'm actually doing something that makes me happy.  I will always continue to struggle with this, but I feel like for the first time I'm actually doing both things that I need to do to lose weight: working out and eating right.  I've never done both things at one time.  It's usually my eating that's on track but then I lay on the couch and continue to be a couch potato, which kind of defeats the purpose of eating right.  No matter how good you eat, the weight doesn't come off because the body just isn't getting what it needs.  I just wish that the rainy summer days would end here in New York.  I can't believe that it's actually June because all I've seen in the past month since school has been out is cloudy skies.  I want to go out for walks and runs and just enjoy what the sunshine brings.  It's definitely uplifting, but I guess I'll just have to wait.  Until then I'm doing what I need to do inside.  Today is just a pilates day and a criss-cross sit ups day (Jen says that doing 50 criss-cross sit ups is what will lead to an even more tone stomach) so I'm pushing through the pain of the last few days and moving my ass at least a little.  A little change leads to bigger ones over time... The sky may be cloudy but my outlook on life is just all sunshiny :)

First Workout Session...

So I had my first workout session with Jen Murphy today.  And I loved it.  Lori loved it too.  Jen is so honest and understanding.  She's not worried about the number on the scale- something people have been telling me to do for years but no matter what, if you're a "recovering" anorexic/bulemic/binger then you are always worried about the number on the scale.  I told her that my ultimate goal is to lose 25lbs.  I guess that was me being really honest with myself.  Sometimes it's only 15lbs but in my perfect world it really would be 25.  We mostly talked about goals and body percentages (mine is 26, i guess i should be 24 to be "normal" although i'm not sure normal will ever be achieved with me).  I just can't wait to really get started with training.  Jen says that 25lbs should be easy by the wedding date of September 21st.  We shall see.  Everyone says it's easy to lose weight, but I think only people who aren't trying to lose it are the ones that say it.  It's a struggle everyday.  I'm always struggling with this.  I just wish there was a point where this all got easier.  I wish there was a day that I didn't think about binge eating.  I wish there was a day that I didn't think about throwing up my food.  I wish there was a day that I didn't step on the scale.  I wish there was a day that I didn't look in the mirror and lift up my shirt to look at my stomach at least 20 times.  I want there to be a day that I wake up motivated to work out, motivated to eat right, and motivated to stick to my goals.  Not that there aren't days that I do this, but I'm looking for it to happen day after day, year after year.  I'm looking to not think about every move I make and every morsel I eat.  I guess I'm looking to feel what people call "normal"... maybe it will happen.  Every time 11:11 hits I make that wish.   One day it might work.

Tomorrow I'm working out with Lori and Nykki (my fellow bartender)... I can't wait.  I love have partners in this... 

Loving Pilates

I'm back to doing my windsor pilates dvds and i'm starting to love them again.  I know the dvds are right when they say "who doesn't have 20 minutes a day?" I know I have 20 minutes a day to do pilates.  It's really the least I can do on my days that I work.  I should do pilates to tone up my stomach on days that I can't get to the gym or I can't go for a walk or jog.  I've been getting back into doing this, I can do something at least once a day to keep me on track.  

Lori and I are heading to Jen Murphy tomorrow for our first training session with her.  I'm really excited.  I love learning new things from trainers.  Hopefully we'll have a great session and I'll be really hurting on Thursday.  My fellow bartender and I are going to work out this summer too and hopefully get to some early morning classes with jen murphy.  I can't wait. I love having partners in crime when it comes to weight loss.  I'm feeling motivated. 

My new kicks and old memories

I've got new running shoes.  Asics 2140 and so far I love them.  They've also got a 15 day return policy if I end up not liking them (this is from the store Finishline). One of my best friends is a physical therapist and so I asked her for her recommendation for new shoes.  I've got an alignment problem that I've had since I was a kid.  It affects my hips, my knees, and my ankles.  I'm pigeon toed from it, which sucks but I've kind of accepted it.  It was worse when I was a kid so I kinda don't think about it anymore, it's just the way I walk.  My hubby mentioned something about how he hates  how people sometimes look at the way I walk and he gets defensive (he told me this on vacation).  He meant it as he gets protective of me, but I never realized that it affected him at all.  I don't think about it, so I guess I think no one does.  I remember one of the first times I met my mother-in-law and she asked if I was bow legged.  That crushed me, but I haven't really thought about it since my hubby mentioned it.  Now I've been a little paranoid about it, so I've been asking my friend on how to help it.  Seems like there's nothing I can do but keep training and toning my body.  Another reason to work out and lose weight added to my list.   

   

Some Pictures From Aruba...

                                                                    My Hubby and I 
                                                              Me and My Cowboy Hat 
                                                  Yea, it's Dessert- It's My 25th Birthday 
                                                      My Bikini Body- I'm Working on it
                                                                 Aruba- Isn't it Beautiful?

Back into the Swing...

It's been a hectic month or so... finals and family aren't exactly the best combination.  Yet finals are over and hopefully the sadness that's been going on with my family is winding down, even though I'm expecting more drama soon.  Deaths in a family are so hard to handle, and it doesn't help with losing weight either!  Everyone brings food and everyone wants to comfort you.  Why is that?  Why do food and comfort go hand in hand?  Ever since I was a little kid I was given "comfort food."  Whether I was good or whether I was bad I went to food for comfort.  Maybe it's because when I was good I was given food as a treat and then if I was bad I wanted to sneak food in order to feel better about myself.  I guess it never fails when there's a funeral that food will be given, but I think I made it through pretty well.  After the drama of sicknesses in the family and deaths, my hubby and I finally went on our vacation to Aruba.  I have to say, I was not looking forward to being in a bikini, but I have to admit, I like the shape that my body has taken more and more.  I haven't lost the weight yet that I want to lose, but i've toned up a lot and my shape is starting to, well, take shape.  But I still want to lose weight before the wedding.  I feel like i'm like the poster child for failed diet attempts.  I can't get on a steady track with anything.  I love my bodybugg but it's really not conducive to wearing summer clothes.  I don't want to be in a tank top or short sleeved shirt wearing my bodybugg.  It's just not going to happen.  So here I am again, going back to square one I feel like.  I'm going back on Jenny Craig.  This is the thing, I know it works for me. I've used it before and stayed with it and lost weight.  Then I started feeling cocky thinking I could do it on my own.  I've read every diet book, every magazine, every news clip on what to eat and how to eat and when to eat.  How could I not lose weight on my own?! Well, let's face it, I can maintain on my own but I can't lose, unless i'm starving myself or sticking my finger down my throat.  The hubby hates when I say I can't do something, but I just can't.  He says if he can quit smoking then I can stop overeating, or purging, or under eating.  The thing he doesn't seem to understand is that he can live without cigarettes, I can't live without food.  I can't say, like he can say, I will never eat food again, because at the end of the day, he can say, I don't need to smoke again, I will never smoke again.  He says it's not about will power- he says, "just do it, just stop doing what u do wrong and fix it, you're a smart woman."  Does that mean i'm weak?  I don't know.  I feel like I am.  I feel like I use my weight as a crutch for problems.  I won't try a stab at my singing because of my weight. When I was a kid i didn't do a lot of things because of my weight.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to be like that but I just keep getting stopped in my tracks because I'm not satisfied with myself.  I went to jenny craig and they said that for my age and height I should weigh between 111-140 pounds.  Are you kidding me?  Even when I was anorexic I weight 132.  111? seriously?  My goal weight is 145lbs.  It's not far from where I am and I feel like I could be there if I put my mind to it.  It's just the doing it.  It's all about the follow through.  I'm always in extremes.  I can't eat one bad thing without eating bad all day long.  I can't be good without wanting to not eat at all or purge.  I need to be accountable to someone.   For some reason, being accountable to myself just isn't enough.  So tomorrow is day one on jenny craig.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding pictures in 20 years and regret what I look like.  I guess being accountable to a stranger at jenny craig is the only way to keep myself honest.  I just don't want people to look up to me for health tips when I'm not doing the best for myself.  If I like being a role model for people when it comes to being healthy I guess I should be my first biggest fan.  Here's a go at it.  Yeahh me!  

So tired, but can't stop...

I'm on my second wind right now because earlier today I was about ready to pass out.  I worked last night till 12:30 am and went to bed about an hour later, then woke up at 6am.  I have to admit, it kinda sucked.  But I kept my eyes open through my classes and went to the gym with Lori.  I have to admit I wanted to get a text message from Lori all day long.  I wanted her to cancel.  I wanted to cancel on her, but I refuse to ever do that to her.  So I started off with a little bit of a struggle but I started feeling more and more energized and finished feeling great.  I do love the gym.  And I got an inspirational phone call to on my ride home.  Throughout our workout today I kept telling Lori that all I wanted when I went home was a piece of our sample wedding cake (we went wedding cake testing yesterday and we got the sample in our fridge... it's pretty much been screaming my name!)  So when I was driving home Lori called me and told me to drink a protein shake and to not eat the cake.  Or if I did eat the cake, at least I had the protein shake.  We talked for a little bit and she vented over her breakup and I vented over my cake!  I did come home and make a protein shake, but I also had a piece of cake.  I didn't want to keep thinking about it and obsessing over it.  But I don't really like cake, I just liked the filling and the icing, so the cake part is in the garbage and the rest is in my belly.  I know it doesn't justify it, but I refuse to obsess over the foods that I can and "CAN'T" have.  I had a bowl full of veggies afterwards and I'm feeling pretty good.  Still awake and waiting for the hubby to come home because I'm missing him like crazy.  There's also a thunderstorm going on outside and I'm terrified of them.  I had a great gym day and a good food day.  Now I just need some sleep... 

Back into the Groove of Things...

I woke up sick today.  I woke up tired.  Still I decided to get out of bed and head to school.  The sun was shining and I take some B vitamins and I started feeling so much better.  I really think the weather helped out so much.  It's hard to feel sick when the sun is shining and it's 60's out for the first time in a long time.  I met up with Lori after classes and she looked so sad, but the workout definitely kept her mind of things so I'm hoping I helped out a little bit with the breakup.  It was a great workout and everything is getting easier to do.  So I had to up my weight on the machines and do more reps.  But it felt so damn good to be back in the gym and hitting it hard again.  I needed it.  I need to stay motivated. 

On another high note, I headed to Target to buy some tanning lotion for the tanning bed so I don't burn like crazy in Aruba, and I couldn't resist looking at some clothes.  I bought a pair of shorts and a new pair of thinner workout pants for the summer, plus about 7 t-shirts.  I spent a little over $100- so I was pretty damn proud of myself.  I need to buy the hubby some shorts for the summer too, but I couldn't remember the size that he likes so I opted to do his shopping another day.  I love shopping, regardless of who it's for.  

I called up my mom today to see if she was up for doing an aerobics class.  She keeps on telling me that she would love to find a gym with aerobics classes, she says that's what she needs to get motivated.  She tried so hard to get out of it, but we headed to the class and man did it hurt like hell!  On top of just finishing a 3 hour workout with Lori, I did this class with my mom.  It was a Core class so it was mostly ab work.  We both got through it and plan to keep going every week.  It's good to have more options.  My mom doesn't want to go to the kickboxing class that Jen (the aerobics lady) has on Tuesday but Lori is excited about it.  So i'll be doing Tuesdays with Lori and Thursdays with mom... If anyone is interested in going with us just let me know, or show up!  It's fun and a big kick in the ass.  Go to Jen's site !  It's worth a look!  She's crazy buff and motivating... can't wait till Tuesday!

I've Been Out of Commission

So I've been pretty sick with my stomach problems since Friday so I haven't been able to get to the gym.  It was a really hard weekend to suffer through but I finally got some relief yesterday.  My hubby went to the doctor for his own checkup and told the doctor about my symptoms (we're not officially married until September, so no medical insurance for me until then) and the doctor was really understanding about how worried the hubby was about me and printed out stuff for me to do in order to get some relief.  Thankfully, after 4 days of really suffering, I'm feeling so much better.  But now I'm going to start working more since my manager quit, on top of my gym buddy not getting back to me, so I'm really worried about sticking with my routine.  It's just hard to stay motivated when you've been feeling like shit and when you're just completely exhausted.  I wish someone could just give me tips on how to keep going when you've had a support system and now you're on your own.  I'm always looking for that magic number or that magic moment when everything clicks.  I've let go of the number on the scale lately because I've been doing so much strength training, and it's been hard to let go.  I've been so obsessed with the number on the scale for so long.  I just need support to keep going...

My mom and I are hitting up an aerobic class this Thursday- hopefully it will keep me motivated.  I need to keep changing it up...