Stop it Little Voice...

I hate the little voice that's always been in my head telling me I'm fat. Even when I felt great, I was still fat. At least to that little voice.

But, Holy Lord I need to go back to the gym. Because honestly, I just feel like shit. I feel lazy, I feel frumpy, I feel like I've given up.

I need to start up my running. Again.

I need to start eating right. Again.

I'm so tired of complaining. I'm so tired of the woe is me shit. But man, can't I just be one of those people? The ones that annoy the shit out of everyone and say that they can eat everything, yet still remain so svelte? Well, annoying people, I guess I'm just as annoying. At least I feel that way. But i'd rather be the skinny annoying person. I'd love to tell people my whoas of being fat, as I weigh 115 pounds. But, alas, whoa is me. I'm not.

I was so proud of myself up until about a year and a half ago. Then I decided to play the woe is me game and stop working out. I'd like to say that it was just my back surgery that stopped me from working out, but i'd be lying. I mean it was definitely a factor, a huge factor actually, but after I started my recovery, I just never really got back into the swing of things, and my life kinda got crazy so I just started feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings. Shock. Again. As always. Granted, I know i'm not the only one in the world that does this, over and over again, but man I only know how I handle it and I handle it like shit. It takes so much for me to get my ass in gear, it's taken a really long time for me to realize just how much weight i've gained, and even when i realized it months ago, I still only half-assed an attempt at working out again.

I have a half marathon i'm supposed to do in September. Or is it October? Maybe I should get on top of that.

Damn. Stupid goals I set for myself. Well, actually that my best friend sets for me to motivate my ass. Well, at least i've got that. A really great ass.

Okay. Here goes nothing. An attempt, yet again to motivate myself to work it. And work it hard.

I've been attempting to eat better for the past month or so. It's been going, okkkk. Not perfect, but not total shit either. Ok, it's a start right? Right?!

A really great person told me not to be hard on myself. It's hard not to, but she's right. It's amazing how we forget how much hard work really does pay off. It's amazing that I thought I was huge in these pictures, yet I felt more confident than I ever did.

I remember this girl. I remember my fabulous belly button ring. About time I feel proud and put that shiny thing back in there.

Here goes nothing. Again.

I'm Up, I'm Up...

Those were usually my famous last words to my mother before I nodded off again when I was suppose to be getting ready for school.  It's almost ten years later and I'm still doing the same thing.  I think that to myself every time the alarm goes off, and I push the snooze button.  The hubby and I have a horrible sleep schedule, but in the past week and a half it's been affecting my workouts as well.  Going to bed at 4 a.m. doesn't really equal wanting to wake up and hit the gym.

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I need to get back into my morning workout habit and start getting motivated to greet the sunshine again.  I love being able to say that 9 or 10 a.m. is early for me.  I have to admit, it feels pretty good to feel the sunshine.  I can't wait for spring!

I came across this article while looking for my favorite Marilyn Monroe workout picture.  How perfect.  I still think it's funny that people insist Marilyn was fat, when in all actuality she died weighing 117 pounds.  The photo below was part of her last photo shoot she took before her death.   

Oh well, I guess you'll never change the minds of women who really want the ideal American woman to be larger than she actually was.  Yea she had curves, but curves aren't a bad thing.  I wish I had curves like her!  She was tiny for 5'5!  

Anyway, off to the gym I go!  What inspires you to keep working out?  How do you stay in shape?  Any star that you idolize? 

My AH HA Moment...

I haven't had a night out with girlfriends in a really long time.  I'm not a drinker and I'm not one for spending money on things that don't last (If I buy furniture, I have it forever, if I have a meal at a restaurant, it's gone within a twenty minute period).  But I have to admit, I had a really good time.  We only thought we'd be out for an hour or two but to my surprise I lasted a whole four hours!  Impressive for an old lady like me.

I like being able to chat about life with my work buddies without having that whole work thing get in the way.  The three girls I went out with all have kids; I love hearing their stories about raising their children.  The funny thing is, I can compare most of their kid stories to a story with my pup.  Is that sad?  I think it's hilarious.  If one of them talks about how their daughter takes out underwear to put it on their head, I start picturing how Luna finds my underwear and gets stuck in it while rolling around with it on the floor.  I guess I really do take comfort in the fact that I have her as my furbaby in lieu of my own child.

As I had my second drink and a shared plate of nachos, we were talking about how hard it is to stay motivated when it comes to losing weight, maintaining weight, or getting toned.  It's a constant struggle.  Then one of my friends told me that I was her husband's motivation for eating healthy—it was like a punch to the head.  He's been on the P90X for awhile now and looks fabulous!  I on the other hand have lost all of my motivation, but I am back up to 3 workouts a week.  It doesn't do anything other than help me maintain the weight that I'm at now (which isn't where I want to be) so I know I need to step it back up to 5 workouts a week, but I'm always feeling so run down.  I hate the winter, I hate the way it makes me feel.

I've been mulling over the idea of going vegan for a little while now; not that I have anything against people who eat meat or animal bi-products, I just started realizing how much dairy products I consume, and with my stomach problems, I'm thinking that it might not be the best idea to keep doing to myself.  I'm not a red meat eater (just never acquired a taste for it really), but I do like chicken and I eat way way too much cheese.  Cheese is probably the worst thing for my stomach problems that exists.  I need to walk away from it.  I think the only way to do it is by going cold turkey—hey I gave it up for Lent once (and felt fabulous!), I'm sure I can do it again; it's just a huge adjustment.

I read an article recently about centenarians (people who live to the age of 100) in Live Right magazine (It's free in our local ShopRite).  It says that in order to live to a ripe old age you need to decrease calorie intake, walk at least a mile a day, and keep up social interactions (also no tobacco use).  These are things I can do and should be able to do in order to live a healthy long life.

I had a great night with friends and had a huge realization, all in one night.  If I'm someone's motivation for eating right, then why can't I be my own motivation and stick with it?  The answer is, there is no reason for me to not stick with it.  I'm going to try the vegan route for awhile (while keeping my protein levels up, don't worry!) and I'm going to see how it makes my body feel; if I can increase my energy levels and get myself motivated to get back up to a 5 day workout schedule, I'll keep it going.  I need a change.  I've said that before and it's never stuck, hopefully I can really help myself stay on track this time.

Sick Again...

I'm sick again. I'm so tired of being sick. This is the second time in two weeks and I have so much school work to do and catch up on. So many interviews to do and I can't keep my eyes open or keep a tissue off of my nose. It's Christmas in October because I definitely look like Rudolf. I have a doctor's appointment for NEXT Thursday. The first time I've been to the doctor in almost three years. Hopefully she can let me know why my immune system sucks so bad because I seem to always be getting sick and I'm the healthiest person I know. I take vitamins, I eat right... granted I never get consistent sleep, but sometimes I get eight hours. Oh well, I've got to head to the bank and then up to New Paltz for class. Yesterday I finally bought some new shirts to fit me from Target and a new comforter for the bed (one that covers both sides of the bed, yea for oversized king comforters!). Now hopefully I don't look like too much of a slob because my clothes don't fit. Then I made dinner for the hubby that he's going to love: thin sliced chicken rolled up and stuffed with laughing cow french onion cheese and parm cheese. He's going to love it.

So, one class and one paper to write for class tomorrow morning, then I'm hitting my bottle of Nyquil because I need to get some sleep and feel better tomorrow morning. Six a.m. comes way too quick. And I've got way too much work ahead of me. I hate not being able to work out right now too because of being sick. But Friday I made an eye doctor appointment too, to figure out why my contacts are killing my one eye. I've been wearing my glasses for over three weeks now and it's getting really old...

Procrastination is a Bitch!

I just realized that I'm again falling behind on school work and hoping to win the lottery is just not going to cut it. I had every intention to wake up early today and actually get some things accomplished, but after having breakfast and turning on the Golden Girls, I found myself drifting back to sleep. Then after my husband woke up, I finally got my ass in gear. Rushing as always.

12:30- I leave the house with books in tow, a 32 ounce bottle of water, my husband's dry cleaning that he needs for Thursday, my half-charged cell, and unfortunately without any green tea. I was a hot mess, dropping stuff while heading downstairs to my car. Stop at a local orchard really quick because I need fresh almond butter, peanut butter, apples, concord grape spread, and apple cider. Luckily my bill was $38 because I had exactly $40 in my pocket.

1:40- I arrive at New Paltz and thankfully pulled right into a parking spot because I was running late and had to go to the bathroom (my 32 oz water was finished on my car ride up).

1:45-4:40- My investigative reporting class. Which I'm realizing I'm falling a little bit behind on, so I'm getting scared. Again, procrastination is a bitch.

5- Drive very quickly out of New Paltz to Middletown in order to drop of my husband's dry cleaning so it can be ready for him to pick up for work on thursday. For some reason he decided it would be great to wait to the last minute... hmmm, I think we're perfect for each other, eh?

6ish- I'm home and have just enough time to change my clothes for work and fill my 32 ounce water bottle back up. I head off to work for a shift that is supposed to start at 4 p.m. but because of school and my very understanding co-workers/friends and boss I'm given lots of leeway on the time.

6:30-1 a.m.- I work and painfully think of the fact that I have school work to do before doing it all over again and waking up at 6 a.m. As one of my customers annoyingly reminded me, my not sleeping thing is, "very dangerous and not good for your health." Really? Thanks, I thought only sleeping an hour or two was completely healthy. Thanks for the input.

1 a.m.-4:45 a.m- I work and research.

4:45 a.m.- Finally I sleep. I e-mailed my professor the homework.

I'm becoming a walking zombie at this point, but I know that it will all be worth it in the end, when I get "there." I just can't wait for those golden moments of eight hours of sleep. I remember them from the summer. I can almost taste them. I still need to get my exercise in because I'm realizing that it keeps me sane. But on days like this one was, it will only be a 20 minute pilates dvd, no Jen Murphy. After class again today, I've got work again tonight. Thankfully, my boss and friends are letting me sleep and I'll be in at 6 p.m. Thank God for friends! Now it's time for bed so I'm not "dangerous" to myself and others.

Step by Step...

Went for a nice walk yesterday with my best bud and it felt great.  My back is hurting a little bit today, but I'm pretty much convinced that it's from my long night at work and not from the walk.  So I'm relaxing at home and sitting on my heating pad.  It's been awhile since I've needed to relax my muscles like this, but it's definitely feeling good.  I got my new easytone shoes from reebok in the mail on Tuesday.  I've been talking about these shoes for awhile, but finally broke down and bought them about two weeks ago.  I needed new shoes for work, so of course, I had to buy them in black.  With as much walking and standing I do at my job, I figured these shoes would be perfect to help me tone up the tush a little bit more.  It could be all a fraud, but I let you know how I feel once I look in the mirror in a couple of months.  Anything to supplement my workouts and eating lifestyle is welcomed.  I like the shoes.  I feel like my legs are a little more achy by the end of the night, so in my eyes, aches mean that post workout feeling that I'm starting to love.  The walk with my bb was so nice.  We walked through a local cemetery that is just beautiful (in the day time).  It leads to the spot where our two local rivers meet, and three states meet.  Unfortunately, our town has let this land get a little overgrown, but we decided that it might be our job to complain to the common council.  They act like they're proud of this spot, yet they've let it become something that doesn't even remotely look like a landmark.  Our walk kept us intrigued... looking at the dates of those who have passed, what names were popular during which time periods, and which names we couldn't even pronounce.  It's a great spot to walk in the sunlight of the afternoon because there are so many trees; you actually forget that it's hot out.  Tomorrow we're walking in High Point.  It's a great walk which can be followed by a swim in a lake.  I don't think it gets any better than that... 

Keep Moving Forward...

Jen Murphy is the best motivation for me to get my ass off the couch.  I can't stop reading these past few weeks and I'm getting addicted to tv.  It's so nice to just have to work and not go to school at the same time.  I wish life was always this simple.  Just work at night, sleep in till before noon and keep night owl hours with my hubby.  I'm loving it.  But Jen is keeping me working out and our upcoming wedding is my other motivation to keep eating right.  I had to work out with Jen on my own on Monday because my workout partner couldn't make it.  I don't mind going one on one with Jen but sometimes I like having a partner to grunt and complain with me while working my ass off.  I'm starting to love the pain.  I know it's working.

This past weekend was my bridal shower (AHHHH! sooo emotional!) and I loved every minute of it.  It was nice to have everyone together for a happy reason and not for a sad one (these funerals have got to stop!).  It was hard to be perfect with all the amazing food around, but I tried to stick with the fruit and veggie platters.  Ok, I had some Herr's sour cream and onion chips and a piece of my amazing cake, but other than that I thought I did pretty good.  I skipped the ziti and the sandwiches from my favorite sub place.  I'm trying to not strive for perfection, but just for consistency.  I just want to be on track to losing 10 more pounds before the wedding.  I can't wait for my next fitting, but I won't like it if I haven't lost anymore.  So I got to keep moving forward and stop being stuck in this rut.  Now I have the memories of my bridal shower cake, and the future of my wedding cake to get me through these next couple weeks without junk food... Oh yea, and the wedding license application that's sitting in our safe.  What a motivation, seeing my new last name in print (AHHH! sooo emotional)  let's just keep the emotions for my tears and not soak them up with food...