Stop it Little Voice...

I hate the little voice that's always been in my head telling me I'm fat. Even when I felt great, I was still fat. At least to that little voice.

But, Holy Lord I need to go back to the gym. Because honestly, I just feel like shit. I feel lazy, I feel frumpy, I feel like I've given up.

I need to start up my running. Again.

I need to start eating right. Again.

I'm so tired of complaining. I'm so tired of the woe is me shit. But man, can't I just be one of those people? The ones that annoy the shit out of everyone and say that they can eat everything, yet still remain so svelte? Well, annoying people, I guess I'm just as annoying. At least I feel that way. But i'd rather be the skinny annoying person. I'd love to tell people my whoas of being fat, as I weigh 115 pounds. But, alas, whoa is me. I'm not.

I was so proud of myself up until about a year and a half ago. Then I decided to play the woe is me game and stop working out. I'd like to say that it was just my back surgery that stopped me from working out, but i'd be lying. I mean it was definitely a factor, a huge factor actually, but after I started my recovery, I just never really got back into the swing of things, and my life kinda got crazy so I just started feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings. Shock. Again. As always. Granted, I know i'm not the only one in the world that does this, over and over again, but man I only know how I handle it and I handle it like shit. It takes so much for me to get my ass in gear, it's taken a really long time for me to realize just how much weight i've gained, and even when i realized it months ago, I still only half-assed an attempt at working out again.

I have a half marathon i'm supposed to do in September. Or is it October? Maybe I should get on top of that.

Damn. Stupid goals I set for myself. Well, actually that my best friend sets for me to motivate my ass. Well, at least i've got that. A really great ass.

Okay. Here goes nothing. An attempt, yet again to motivate myself to work it. And work it hard.

I've been attempting to eat better for the past month or so. It's been going, okkkk. Not perfect, but not total shit either. Ok, it's a start right? Right?!

A really great person told me not to be hard on myself. It's hard not to, but she's right. It's amazing how we forget how much hard work really does pay off. It's amazing that I thought I was huge in these pictures, yet I felt more confident than I ever did.

I remember this girl. I remember my fabulous belly button ring. About time I feel proud and put that shiny thing back in there.

Here goes nothing. Again.

Just Not Feeling Right...

Ok I've broken some rules when it comes to my stomach problems (IBS... at least that's what they think it is).  Let me explain...  For the past week since my last weigh in I've been feeling really cocky.  I do this all the time when I start losing weight.  I start feeling like I don't need to stick to a plan and I can do it on my own.  I know I'm wrong.  I'm always wrong with it.  That's why I never get to my goal weight.  I had at least 2 dunkin donuts coffee coolattas this week (skim milk no whip, as always)- this is rule number one with my IBS- NO COFFEE!  Then I ate cheese.  Not just a little bit of cheese, which doesn't hurt my stomach, but a lot of cheese.  Three times this week I had some mozzarella and some parm cheese.  It just tasted so good the first time, that I wanted it again and again.  That's rule number two- NO CHEESE!  So what happened this weekend?  I suffered from massive stomach problems.  Doubled over in pain and complaining and complaining.  It was, of course, my own fault, but I'll only admit to that here.  I had to take this nasty drink stuff (magnesium citrate) in order to help, but it's my own fault... Hopefully I've learned my lesson.

So today was another Jen Murphy day.  I talked to her a little about the pain that I've been in from the workouts and that afterwards I just have no energy to do anything.  It's getting frustrating because I want to workout three days a week to four or five, but it's really hard when all I want to do is sleep on the days that I'm off from working out.  I just need time to recover it feels like.  She thinks it might be the fact that I am on a calorie restricted diet.  She thinks that I need more protein after our intense workouts.  So I followed her recommendation today and took a protein shot.  I have to admit, I do feel a little better today.  But that might also be because we did a lot of pilates today and not as many squats and lunges.  We shall see tomorrow when I wake up-  we'll see how much pain my muscles are in.  The hubby and I went for a walk tonight too.  I have to admit, I absolutely loved every minute of it.  Unfortunately, he got bit up constantly, so I'm not really sure if they'll be a second go at it.  But, I did love it, so I might have to finagle my way into another night out with him like tonight.  Anything is possible...  Like me giving up cheese again- I did it for Lent, maybe I should try to give it up for good... 

Feeling Good and Starting to Believe it...

So another day with Jen Murphy.  Another day of feeling like the most out of shape person that ever lived!  But towards the end of the session I was able to do things that I couldn't last week.  Jen was proud.  I was proud.  I moved through the session pretty well.  Granted I won't be able to wash my hair tomorrow because of the pain my arms and shoulders will be in, but I'm loving it.  I'm going to start meeting with her twice a week: one session with Lori and the other with Nykki.  It's great because I'm getting twice the training for the price I would pay for one session on my own.  It's great motivation.

Another great motivator is my hubby.  The other day, as we were folding and putting away laundry, I caught him staring at me.  When I asked him why, he said, "everyday you get more and more beautiful.  The older you get the more beautiful you are.  You're becoming such a beautiful woman..."  He killed me with that!  He makes me feel so beautiful everyday, but hearing words like that just made me melt over and over again.  I'm a lucky woman.

As for my diet it's also going really well.  When I was up at my moms doing wedding invites and going through her hope chest (which is being passed down to me and will soon be refinished) I didn't eat anything that would trip me up.  My step father has always been a huge junk food junkie and being up at my mom's house is usually torture.  Instead I had a few pretzels, an apple, a banana, some strawberries and a fat free sugar free pudding.  Yea it's a lot but I was up there for hours and it beats eating badly.  I just got home about an hour ago and came up with a delicious way to eat my daily veggies.  Try it, it might sound crazy but it's so tasty:  Take some tomato, green pepper (or any veggie) and place them on a baking sheet with tin foil on it.  Put your oven on broil and then use some wish bone honey mustard spray (the spray dressings) and then put some parm cheese on the top.  Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes or until the cheese browns.  It's a nice quick and healthy veggie snack that beats having a salad every day.  Enjoy!  I'm stuffed from it and can't wait to get some fresh veggies to try again.  Maybe I can get the hubby to eat it too, but it would have to be made with green beans, he hates tomatoes and peppers. I think I'm becoming a housewife, and I love it... how did this happen?!