Have you ever felt that way? Even if you're not a woman, have you ever just hated being you? Even just for a second? Have you thought about how nice it would be just to have someone else's life just for a moment in time?
When you're walking down the streets of NYC and you see someone with impeccable style and you think, "wow, I wish I had the guts/money to wear that?" Or you see the girl running on the Hudson river overlooking Manhattan and you think, "I wish I had the energy to do that?" Then you see the woman pushing a stroller in her skinny jeans and you think, "wow, she's got a baby and she's still got it together." I don't look that good and I don't have a baby!
Sometimes you just wish you had it all.
You think about buying an extra MegaMillions ticket. You think about the choices you make on a daily basis that put you where you are. Maybe I should have bought that extra ticket, maybe then the hubby wouldn't have to go to work. I miss him when he's at work.
Am I the cheesy housewife?
Yesterday I found myself explaining the Fall weather to the puppy. She stood on the porch with the wind blowing on her and she looked at me like, "what's going on?" So I stood there and held her and explained that a storm was coming. What the hell is wrong with me?!
Never in my life did I think that I would want to have a child. That's right, I said it. And it ends up that every month I'm disappointed.
After years and years of saying, "whoohoo, no baby this month." Now I'm saying, "yea, well, no baby for us."
It's not like we're trying, trying. I just started having this hope that it would just happen when we least expected it. Just like finding each other.
I don't want to ever have to make a thing of it. I hate myself for thinking about it. I never thought I'd do this. When we first met we both weren't big on kids; how does it happen? How do you suddenly change your mind? I always thought I'd be a career woman. Now I love being a wife and dream of being a mom to our kid. Just one, God, that's all I ask for. But if He's got other plans for me, I'm OK with it. I swear. I just wish He'd let me know as soon as possible so I can get this out of my head.
Can I be the woman who has it all? Can I be the one that has it all together?
I have a great hubby, a great house, a job that I enjoy (most of the time)— I'm just looking for the me that goes for a run because it's what I enjoy (not what I NEED to do), I'm looking for the moment that I can just write books and not worry about the day to day crap that comes with paying bills and making ends meet, and I'm looking for a little baby of our own. Maybe I can make the first two happen, if I had a little bit more drive. But the last one is in the hand's of God. I leave that up to Him.
But where exactly does drive come from? And how can I cash in on it?
Do you know anyone that has it ALL — maybe it's all a facade. Maybe we're just made to think that having it all is the way to go. Maybe I should just be blessed because I have an amazing hubby who loves me more than anything, a family that loves me not because they have to but because they choose to (oh, and Hi Dad, thanks for reading)... I am a lucky woman.
Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop stressing.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
I really thought that I could stay away from HomeGoods, but this weekend, I had an epic fail. My whole trip to the stores came about because I needed to get a new picture frame from Michael's for the photo I had blown up from our wedding of our family members. It turned out amazing...
|Picture this photo with a beautiful black frame around it...|
Unfortunately, Michael's is really close to HomeGoods and I thought that there would be no harm in "window shopping." I guess I didn't realize that there would be so many things that I needed; I guess I just didn't know that I needed them before heading into the store. I knew I needed a new lampshade because the hubby has been constantly complaining about the one I bought about two months ago because of the lack of light it lets out. I found the perfect one. Then I just happened upon the most perfect lamp ever for our living room. I just had to have it. And it was on clearance! Yea, me!
It all started with a little Christmas outfit that I found for Luna. If it wasn't for those little Christmas pajamas I wouldn't of spent any money. I walked out with spending only $49, not that bad for three great purchases! I can't wait for the Christmas cards this year (well, if I actually send them out, I'm really bad with those damn things!)...
No pics until I get new camera batteries. I think the camera is on its' last leg; we just bought new batteries for our Yankee game is September. I guess that just means that the Canon 5D Mark II is next on the need list... dammit, I should have never said I wouldn't spend money. It's like I'm setting myself up for failure... Oh, well... I never said I was perfect.
Until then I'm finishing up my Tuesday with my puppy on my lap, Sex and the City 2 on the TV, and the new Vanity Fair with Marilyn Monroe on the cover... and cooking my hubby some dinner. I'm a good housewife.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Today was a perfect fall day. A little chill in the air and the wind blowing the multi-colored leaves that remain in the trees. It's the time of year when you have to debate; do I cuddle up on the couch with a good book and a blanket or do I enjoy the rest of the fall sunshine? Luckily, I managed to do both.
Luna and I started our walk with a lot of gusto. She's really getting the knack for the walking on a leash thing. I'm a proud momma.
When we rounded the green bridge into town, she started to get tired; jumping on my leg with each step we took towards meeting up with our friend Trish.
I knew that I wanted to get a little bit longer of a walk in, so I decided to see if the hubby's mom was home and willing to puppy-sit while I finished my walk because my back couldn't handle picking her up every time she got a little too tired. It's amazing how heavy four-pounds can feel after a few minutes of carry time. Luna started pulling the instant we were outside of her g-ma's building and when we were buzzed in she ran up the stairs and went right to her door. I couldn't even keep up with her. Thankfully her grama was thrilled to see her and enjoyed every minute of the company.
The walk was perfect.
It was nice to catch up with my friend. It's been awhile since we've been able to talk about everything and nothing. We both are motivated to not just accept what has always been the norm for us. Giving up when things get tough starts to get old after awhile— bad habits are really hard to break, starting new good ones seems even harder sometimes. Walking Luna helps me stay motivated when the blanket keeps calling my name.
|Anyone Know Anything About This?|
We walked through the local cemeteries and I stopped to say a prayer at my family plot and at my aunts.
It's nice to see the love and affection that families put into the graves of their loved ones who have passed. I've never viewed cemeteries as a morbid place, but always a place of love and faith. Mixed with the fallen leaves the cemetery can be so calming.
After we parted ways I went home to get the car so I could pick up my hubby's dry-cleaning. I couldn't decided whether or not to go home first or pick up my furbaby. I decided that it would be easier on her and on my back if I went home first. I was also a little scared that the last of the sunlight was fading so I didn't want to chance it.
I spent some time with my mother-in-law which was nice because I haven't been able to spend much quality time with her or my hubby's family in the past few months. Unfortunately, all the nephews birthday parties are on Sundays and they also fall during football season; there's really no way for me to take off for the parties, but thankfully my hubby can still go.
I just miss family and friends.
I went up to my mom's to see her and the pups and have a huge cup of hot tea. I hate that feeling you get after walking or running in the cold weather; you're sweating and yet you're cold and once you cool down, you still really can't shake that chill that takes over.
More errands after our short visit; I had to go grocery shopping. I'm pretty sure it's been at least 2 weeks since I've done a full shopping trip. Five bags and $100 later, I'm really hoping that I can get by with another two weeks of no grocery shopping; it's just a little hard when you eat a lot of fruits and veggies. Sometimes you just have to go for the frozen variety, otherwise I'll come home with things I really shouldn't be eating. How much hot chocolate can one person have in a two week period without it being just too decadent? How much cheese can one eat for it to no longer be helpful for it's calcium and vitamin D, but is more of an artery clogger and a cholesterol riser?
Overall, I really did have a great Thursday off. I have to say, the four day work week is definitely a treat every other week. The next few weeks should be great; my brother is coming to visit this week, then we're off to Indianapolis for a few days, and then one of my bffs is coming home for a working week. I can't wait to have all the company. It will be a nice change of pace because I know that today was.
Till then, I'm looking forward to another perfect day.
Every morning, my little Luna likes to wake me up by giving me kisses. Not her father, me. She sleeps between our heads and lately, under the covers too. I have to say that I love her little kisses so much, but as the weather gets colder and colder, I try to quietly push her to the other side of the bed so she'll give her dad wake-up kisses instead.
Sometimes her wake-up kisses start at 8 a.m. but mostly around 10:30. It's the worst because I really only have a little bit more time to sleep, but she's decided that it's time to wake-up—now. I'm so warm and then suddenly I have to pee too. She's now decided my bathroom time. Sometimes I think that I can hold it, so of course she can hold it too. Then I lay there and decide that I can't do it anymore- so mommy goes first, then I trek downstairs to take her outside. She likes to take her time. She stretches. She sniffs. She attacks the leaves that have fallen on the porch and then gives them to me like they're presents. She really is the best, but I just can't wait to crawl back into bed.
Then there are those moments where she gives me the, "please mommy, please" look: she wants to climb downstairs and use the grass instead of her porch placed wee-wee pad. Sometimes I give in because she's just too damn cute. Other times, I just keep saying, "no baby, not now, mommy's cold." A lot of the time I just can't help it and I let her do what she wants; it's just that damn look she gives. I wonder how I'd be with a real baby when she gives me that same look and not just my furbaby. I'd probably be just as bad of a sucker. I take comfort in the fact that my hubby is the same.
I love watching her go down the stairs. Butt in the air, legs fling up with every step she takes. Then she gets to the ground with the leaves surrounding her. Her first encounter with leaves was quite amusing. She was walking like it was any normal day in the grass; her favorite spot. Then she felt a crunch and heard the rustling noise. Suddenly, she hopped back. Smelled the leaves. Smelled the grass. Jumped for cover. Then she would take another step, and the same thing just kept on happening. "Crunch" then lots of hopping, running, and spinning. It never fails to make me laugh. She still doesn't get the leaves. It makes me laugh with every step she takes. Even when I take her for a walk on her leash around the neighborhood, she never walks in a straight line, she zig zags through all the leaves on the ground.
It will be interesting to see if anything is better than the little licks and kisses that my Luna gives me every morning. Maybe it's just like the feeling that a real mother feels when she gets love from her children? The little noises she makes, the little sighs of contentment, the feeling of her laying in a little ball on my lap, makes it all worth it.
Sometimes I don't want to be woken up. Sometimes I just want to stay and bed and have her leave me alone. Sometimes I quietly ask her for just five more minutes or one more hour of sleep. Then I remember that I wouldn't know what I would do without her. I remember how lonely I was when the hubby was at work and I was home alone. Like any mother, I count my blessings for the joy she's brought to my life. Still sometimes, I want her to go to daddy when it's time to go out. The scary part is, winter is just around the corner— I know I'm going to hate every minute of the cold mornings, but I just can't wait to see her play in the snow.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
I came to the conclusion today that I spend a good amount of money on things for the home. Not in excess and not on silly things, but in general, it may just be unnecessary.
A few months ago I decided that I would no longer buy cleaning products, make-up, or toiletries unless I was out of something. This has been working out pretty nicely and my cabinets are finally starting to empty out. I just would always like to try the new make-up or the new skin moisturizer or facial cleanser. Even though I've stopped buying new stuff, I can't say the same for the hubby. He always like to have two or three of something. I'm pretty sure we have enough floor cleaner to last the next twelve months. I also think that my weekly runs to the store for Zicam is a little unnecessary, unless of course we are actually close to running out. The hubby likes to have a full bottle as the backup.
I want to start taking pride in the things we already have instead of needing to buy new all the time. Maybe a coat of paint on something or a little change in fabric will do, instead of a whole new purchase.
Maybe I'm saying this now because I know I just spent money on an armoire for our downstairs entryway. But I just couldn't stand to look at the shoes strung all over the place for another month! I hate walking in the door and seeing the mess of every pair of shoes that the hubby and I have worn. I've tried a shoe rack; that didn't work.
I've tried a wicker box to no avail:
So I'm now convinced that this will be the solution to our shoe problem:
I'm really really really trying so hard not to make a trip to HomeGoods and make a new lamp purchase. Why is it so hard for me to pass up a new lamp? Why can't my hubby like a lampshade that I bring home? Why does there always seem to be something I can buy when I enter that store?! Thankfully, I've been bringing my mom lately so she acts as my purchase buffer; that way I won't walk out with a purchase I'll regret later.
So I'm vowing to not buy anything that I don't need from this moment on. More money into savings; that's a good thing right? I think I'll have to do a little furniture arranging and a little cleaning in order for me to get my decorating fix. I can't wait for my brother to get here so I can get my photos hung going up the staircase. He's always had a knack for those things; just like riding a bike.
My new mantra: "I will not spend money, I will not go to HomeGoods..."
Saturday, October 16, 2010
I want to be one of those people that decorates for every little holiday, but I just can't seem to do it. I go to stores like TJ Maxx, Homegoods, and even A.C. Moore, and I see all these wonderful little decorations that are filled with my favorite fall colors, but I just can't seem to open my wallet to pay for it. I see cute wreaths with fall leaves and sunflowers and I grab it and put it in my bag, but then I look at the price tag: $19. Why can I pay $200 for a piece of furniture, but when it comes to a $19 wreath, I can't seem to do it? So I put it back on the shelf and keep saying, "maybe when it goes on sale." Then at least I'd have it for next year, right?
Maybe it's because it's just me, the pup, and the hubby in our house. Maybe it's because in two years, there have been absolutely no tricker treaters that come to our door. But who would I be decorating for?
I always love decorating for Christmas, but it's Christmas! We actually have people stop by and even if we didn't, it's Christmas! I have a really hard time taking down my Willow Tree Manger, so it's usually up until February...
So tell me, does it change if you become a mother? Is that when you want to decorate for every holiday?
I see these decor bloggers decorate to the nines for every holiday and I think, I should do that when (insert holiday) comes around. But I never do.
So until I become motivated to decorate for the holidays, this is how far I got this year...
Now isn't that the cutest six cent pumpkin you've ever seen?
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
That is the question.
Lately, I've been thinking about buying a bike more and more. Is that weird? I'm 26 years old and I live in an area that's not really too keen on biking. Everyone drives here. I mean everyone drives everywhere.
If you have to make a trip to the bank and it's only two minutes from your house. You drive. If you have to go to the post office and it's a four minute walk, you drive.
I guess it's the country mentality. Maybe it's our location. But no one uses the God-given mode of transportation; our legs; walking. Some of us might walk or bike for exercise, but for daily activities? Never.
Why is that? When did this happen?
Maybe it happened when all the grocery stores in the area disappeared. Maybe it's because we have to go to Pennsylvania or New Jersey for something as simple as gas, clothing, milk, or practically any other essential thing that a human being may need to survive. And there's pretty much no way to walk or bike to these stores without risking your life in the traffic flow.
What's wrong with this picture? I wish it was a simpler time when our small "city" actually offered goods to people. And answer me this: How exactly can a place be called a "city" officially when it doesn't even have a grocery store for its citizens? Crazy. Just sad.
Should our title of "city" be dropped back down to "town" status? Is there a way of doing that? I mean I know we had enough people back in the day to be officially called a city, but come on people, are we seriously still a city? No grocery store, no movie theatre... what a fabulous city.
Any business that comes to this place ultimately fails. It is, again, sad. People would rather drive to the mall or go to a Ruby Tuesdays then have a real home-cooked meal, or a meal that's prepared on the spot by a local mom and pop restaurant. Don't people realize that the chains prepare the food and then freeze it and package it for the restaurants? Ugh. There are local places to eat people! Support them!
If we're a little small town, with lots and lots of antique stores and the small town appeal that everyone knows your name and they'll be there to support you when a tragedy happens to you or your family, then why don't we embrace this small town feel?
Why not bike? Why not walk? Why not keep the cafes and restaurants in business?
Wouldn't that be an amazing small town? Couldn't we get there again? I think we can. I actually love this town, I just would love to see it flourish like it did in the days that my mom and my grandparents spoke of.
I think I'm off my soapbox now? Maybe.
So how did I start off on this? Oh yea, should I buy a bike? How silly would I look biking to places in a "city" that doesn't seem to use any mode of transportation besides a car/truck/suv?
Do other people feel like me and want to walk or bike to places but just feel weird about it? Am I the only one? I can't be. Right?
And if I do buy a bike, do I bike to work? I mean it is pretty close, but there is the whole coming home a 2 a.m. thing... not to safe, eh? Hmm, more to think about.
Then there's Luna, I mean, would I be one of those people, that I mocked nearly a week ago?
Then there's the matter of this little thing... I haven't ridden a bike since I was about 14 years old. It was great then. My friends and I used to bike everywhere. So the question is, is it true that once you learn to ride a bike you never forget? Because wouldn't that just be silly if I fell flat on my face after all this ranting?
Anyone with me? To bike or not to bike, that is the question...
Saturday, October 9, 2010
I don't think I've ever had the flu. I do get little colds a lot during the winter, but people say that you'll know it if it's the flu. So, no flu for me. My hubby is dead set on getting the flu shot. We both work in environments that could easily expose us, but I've never really believed in the whole flu shot hoopla. He got his shot a couple of weeks ago. I've been dead set against it. No flu shot for me I've kept saying. I'm not falling into the trap of the media circle and the crazy cooky doctors. Nope, not me.
So, yesterday I went to the doctor for a yearly physical and blood work. I've been really struggling with the idea of doctors lately. I either find a doctor that doesn't listen to the problems I tell them, spends no time with me, or just prescribes drugs as a quick fix. I was so excited to have insurance again once my hubby and I got married because I thought that it would be nice to have my stomach problems looked at or when I'm sick, to see what the problem really is. But ever since I've had insurance, I've decided that doctor's sometimes are a crock.
When I went to get a skin cancer screening by one doctor, she looked at my age on the chart, and then opened my gown and looked at me for about 20 seconds. Then she determined that I was fine because, "you're too young to have problems yet." Never mind that I had severe burns and blisters from the sun when I was about ten. Who cares that I was in tanning booths for like 8 years of my life when I was a teen. No need to ask about my past, I'm 26; what could go wrong with a 26 year old?
So when I called to get a new primary care doctor, I decided to ask the receptionist who she would recommend. I had a good conversation with her on how I hate doctors who don't listen and doctor's who see you for about 2 minutes until they decide to just prescribe you something without asking any real questions. (When I was sixteen I had a doctor prescribe me anti-depressants after randomly asking me if I was ever sad. I was sixteen, what sixteen year old isn't sad?! or pissed off at the world at some point or another! Needless to say, I didn't use them, my mom didn't approve either, and I never went back to that doctor again). The lady on the other end of the phone completely agreed with me about how a lot of the doctors at the system we use are like this and that she hates it too. So she recommended Dr. Herchak. She said that she's a doctor who isn't all about prescribing meds and that she likes to get to the root of the problems and give homeopathic solutions. She sounded like my cup of tea. And she was! So thank you to the friendly lady on the other end of the phone who let me rant.
First off, the doctor was so friendly and actually sat down with me and asked me about my past and my family history before doing anything else. I asked her for certain blood work to be taken, and she did. When I told her about something, she asked questions and looked into it further. It was such a great change of pace from the doctors I've seen. I was in her office for an hour! A whole hour people! Then she told me that once she got the blood work back she would call me. Good news or bad news I would get a call: "I don't agree with the idea that no news is good news, I'll call you to tell you about all the details I find either way." That's crazy and unheard of nowadays! She did convince me to get the flu shot because of my job, and I agreed. I kinda wished I didn't do that, but she had a great argument going, so I went with her on it. Within twenty minutes after the shot, I started feeling sick. By late last night, I was miserable!
Lots of OJ, Zicam, and a whole lot of Nyquil later, I'm still feeling like shit. But I did have a great night of sleep. You've got to love it when customers say you look tired, while your co-workers will flat out tell you that you look like shit. All I'm saying is that next year, regardless of how much I absolutely love this doctor, I will not get a flu shot. My hubby is convinced that I didn't get sick from the shot, but all I know is that I felt fine when I woke up yesterday and by last night, I looked like a train wreck.
I hope Dr. Herchak sticks around. A lot of the doctors in this area stay for about a year and then run away. It would be nice to have a doctor who is out for my best interest, not looking to just make more money from the pharmacy companies.
Kuddos to doctors who actually care about patients. Kuddos to those that went into their practice for the right reasons. But as far as that flu shot thing goes, next year I'm skipping it because right now I feel like a train is driving through the space between my ears.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
I'm so in love with the book, "The Noticer" by Andy Andrews! It is absolutely amazing and inspiring. If someone can come from nothing and become someone who touches millions of people's lives, then why can't anybody?
My best bud passed this book on to me for my birthday this past year and I couldn't be more thankful. I hope that I can follow through with the inspiration it has given me.
So here I am passing it on to you. It's an amazing read. After experiencing this book, I can't help but recognize God in a lot of little things:
"Have you ever heard the saying ‘Don’t sweat the small stuff’?… I’m here to tell you that you’d better. See, the small stuff is what makes up the larger picture of our lives.”
The description by The Noticer, Jones, of people and relationships is absolutely eye-opening. He puts people into four categories based on how they love: A canary, a goldfish, a puppy, and a kitty cat.
Here's an excerpt from goodnewsfl.org that Andrews gave to Karen Granger:
“For example,” Andrews says, “Jones would say my wife is a ‘canary’ – someone who is sensitive to quality time. A canary enjoys sitting on the couch and hopes that someone would just sit and listen to them sing.”
“I’m more of a ‘puppy dog,’” he explains. “Say something nice to me when you walk by like ‘Who’s a good boy?’”
According to Andrews, ‘canaries’ don’t care what you say and ‘puppy dogs’ don’t care about quality time.
“I have to learn canary dialect and my wife has to learn puppy dog dialect,” he says.
Andrews says he majors in puppy dog and minors in kitty cat – the personality type that needs physical touch.
“Then there’s the gold fish,” he continues. “They like little acts of service. All they want from you is to straighten their castle and clean their water.”-
I realized my hubby is a goldfish and a puppy dog, while I'm a canary combined with a kitty. By understanding how we love, we can understand why we can't understand each other at some points in our relationship. He can understand why I always want to cuddle and I can understand why he likes it when I make him dinner so he doesn't have to order take-out.
If you love someone or need a different perspective on life, pick this book up. It's a MUST read!
Up next is "The Traveler's Gift" by Andy Andrews. Hopefully this positive thinking will start a positive outlook on life. I think I'm getting out of my rut?
“Whatever you focus upon, increases… When you focus on things you need, you’ll find those needs increasing. If you concentrate your thoughts on what you don’t have, you will so be concentrating on other things that you had forgotten you don’t have–and feel worse! If you set your mind on loss, you are more likely to lose… But a grateful perspective brings happiness and abundance into a person’s life.”
I think this book is moving me in the right direction. Read it, love it, and pass it on people!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
I'm pretty sure that I wouldn't know what to do without my pup. It's crazy how quickly a furry little thing can become such a huge part of your life. I never thought that I would be this crazy in love with a little dog. But I am. I'm pretty sure that my hubby knew that this would happen. I'm pretty sure he knew that the only way for me to not miss him so much while he's away at work was by giving me a little furbaby distraction. It puts off the real baby too. Man, he's good.
I can't stand to leave her at home in her crate by herself. Before anyone feels bad for us crating her, we have to. She's four pounds. She would chew on wires or get stuck somewhere. I can't risk her getting hurt. So, just understand, the crating is necessary. I just try to avoid it as much as possible. It's nice having a little furbaby because I can take her everywhere; she's easy to hide. I just can't believe that I'm one of those people. You know those people that we make fun of? The people who carry their dogs in their bags? Yup, that is now me. I'm the dog carrying lady. When I was a kid we would think this one little old lady was crazy for pushing her little dog around in a baby carriage. Now, they sell these in stores! She was ahead of her times. I'm really not that bad, consider these other options:
ALL PHOTOS & PRODUCTS FROM WWW.PETCARRIERS.COM
Now that I think about it, carrying her in a bag so I can take her to the store, isn't that bad.
Unfortunately, she wasn't too keen on being in her bag at HomeGoods yesterday, and decided to tear a hole in the mesh surrounding her bag. So now she's grounded. Well, until I can find a new bag. There's a toss up between these two:
My hubby thinks I'm a little crazy. But then again, he's the guy who tries to convince me to take her to work with me on his days off so he doesn't have to "babysit." When I ask him what he would do if we had a real baby when I go to work, he answers, "well a real baby only needs to eat, sleep, and be changed, after that they go in their crib right?" Oh, he has no idea. It's kind of cute. Right? I mean, seriously, how could you not want to love this pup all day long?
No wonder I want to take her everywhere.