Wednesday, October 27, 2010

There are Times When I Hate Being a Woman...

Have you ever felt that way?  Even if you're not a woman, have you ever just hated being you?  Even just for a second?  Have you thought about how nice it would be just to have someone else's life just for a moment in time?

When you're walking down the streets of NYC and you see someone with impeccable style and you think, "wow, I wish I had the guts/money to wear that?"  Or you see the girl running on the Hudson river overlooking Manhattan and you think, "I wish I had the energy to do that?"  Then you see the woman pushing a stroller in her skinny jeans and you think, "wow, she's got a baby and she's still got it together."  I don't look that good and I don't have a baby!

Sometimes you just wish you had it all.

You think about buying an extra MegaMillions ticket.  You think about the choices you make on a daily basis that put you where you are.  Maybe I should have bought that extra ticket, maybe then the hubby wouldn't have to go to work.  I miss him when he's at work.

Am I the cheesy housewife?

Yesterday I found myself explaining the Fall weather to the puppy.  She stood on the porch with the wind blowing on her and she looked at me like, "what's going on?"  So I stood there and held her and explained that a storm was coming.  What the hell is wrong with me?!

Never in my life did I think that I would want to have a child.  That's right, I said it.  And it ends up that every month I'm disappointed.

After years and years of saying, "whoohoo, no baby this month."  Now I'm saying, "yea, well, no baby for us."

It's not like we're trying, trying.  I just started having this hope that it would just happen when we least expected it.  Just like finding each other.

I don't want to ever have to make a thing of it.  I hate myself for thinking about it.  I never thought I'd do this.  When we first met we both weren't big on kids; how does it happen?  How do you suddenly change your mind?  I always thought I'd be a career woman.  Now I love being a wife and dream of being a mom to our kid.  Just one, God, that's all I ask for.  But if He's got other plans for me, I'm OK with it.  I swear.  I just wish He'd let me know as soon as possible so I can get this out of my head.

Can I be the woman who has it all?  Can I be the one that has it all together?

I have a great hubby, a great house, a job that I enjoy (most of the time)— I'm just looking for the me that goes for a run because it's what I enjoy (not what I NEED to do), I'm looking for the moment that I can just write books and not worry about the day to day crap that comes with paying bills and making ends meet, and I'm looking for a little baby of our own.  Maybe I can make the first two happen, if I had a little bit more drive.  But the last one is in the hand's of God.  I leave that up to Him.

But where exactly does drive come from?  And how can I cash in on it?

Do you know anyone that has it ALL — maybe it's all a facade.  Maybe we're just made to think that having it all is the way to go.  Maybe I should just be blessed because I have an amazing hubby who loves me more than anything, a family that loves me not because they have to but because they choose to (oh, and Hi Dad, thanks for reading)...  I am a lucky woman.

Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop stressing.

1 comment:

Trish said...

I think about kids almost on a daily basis..... I was in the same boat with you. And I'm now still in the same boat with you.... I wonder too when and why did that change?


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