Stop it Little Voice...

I hate the little voice that's always been in my head telling me I'm fat. Even when I felt great, I was still fat. At least to that little voice.

But, Holy Lord I need to go back to the gym. Because honestly, I just feel like shit. I feel lazy, I feel frumpy, I feel like I've given up.

I need to start up my running. Again.

I need to start eating right. Again.

I'm so tired of complaining. I'm so tired of the woe is me shit. But man, can't I just be one of those people? The ones that annoy the shit out of everyone and say that they can eat everything, yet still remain so svelte? Well, annoying people, I guess I'm just as annoying. At least I feel that way. But i'd rather be the skinny annoying person. I'd love to tell people my whoas of being fat, as I weigh 115 pounds. But, alas, whoa is me. I'm not.

I was so proud of myself up until about a year and a half ago. Then I decided to play the woe is me game and stop working out. I'd like to say that it was just my back surgery that stopped me from working out, but i'd be lying. I mean it was definitely a factor, a huge factor actually, but after I started my recovery, I just never really got back into the swing of things, and my life kinda got crazy so I just started feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings. Shock. Again. As always. Granted, I know i'm not the only one in the world that does this, over and over again, but man I only know how I handle it and I handle it like shit. It takes so much for me to get my ass in gear, it's taken a really long time for me to realize just how much weight i've gained, and even when i realized it months ago, I still only half-assed an attempt at working out again.

I have a half marathon i'm supposed to do in September. Or is it October? Maybe I should get on top of that.

Damn. Stupid goals I set for myself. Well, actually that my best friend sets for me to motivate my ass. Well, at least i've got that. A really great ass.

Okay. Here goes nothing. An attempt, yet again to motivate myself to work it. And work it hard.

I've been attempting to eat better for the past month or so. It's been going, okkkk. Not perfect, but not total shit either. Ok, it's a start right? Right?!

A really great person told me not to be hard on myself. It's hard not to, but she's right. It's amazing how we forget how much hard work really does pay off. It's amazing that I thought I was huge in these pictures, yet I felt more confident than I ever did.

I remember this girl. I remember my fabulous belly button ring. About time I feel proud and put that shiny thing back in there.

Here goes nothing. Again.

Hi Thursday...

I love myself a Thursday off. I know I've mentioned this plenty of times. I don't know what it is about Thursdays. I have Mondays off, but for some reason a Thursday off is just so fabulous.

I woke up at noon. I watched three episodes of Law and Order SVU. I took the dogs to the groomers. Then I came back and decided that I should tackle some tasks that I haven't been to in months. Well, at least it feels like it. Ok, maybe it really has been. Remember that funk I've been in? Yea, it's kinda affected the housework too. What can I say, everyone has a good funk they get into now and then. I feel detached from my house, so I haven't really put too much time into it other than the time I spend on the couch while watching Law and Order or whatever is in my DVR at the time. 

But for some reason it hit me today that the house needed a good one over. I started by cleaning out the junk drawer so I could put my K-cups in it. I was so tired of seeing the boxes on the counter and there's no room to speak of for extra cabinet space; I've pretty much maxed that out. I think if I didn't do anything else today, this would still feel like I ruled the world after this accomplishment...

I think it's all my friend Joanna's fault for coming over to make her famous pizza. If it wasn't for her I'm pretty sure I would have been happy and braless watching TV all day. But alas, I'm queen of the world and I couldn't let my home be overruled by K-cups and a messy table. I don't think this table is used for more than storage of the mail other than on holidays. It was kinda nice to actually eat at the table. I loved her pizza. And some bottles of Angry Orchard hard cider. Both were so worth putting a bra on for. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Philly for her new job. Damn her. But I'm thinking that means that I'll just have to make a visit to see her and my other friend down there. I love an excuse to escape for a bit.

After she left I needed to do something I've been dreading. Clean the tub. I hate cleaning the tub. My back hates when I clean the tub. But my hard water needs me to clean the tub a lot more often. I let bleach sit in it for a few hours. Then I scrubbed it down. Although I kinda let the jets run a little too long with cleaner in it. Oops...

Gosh I guess I'm really not good at this suzy homemaker stuff. I've never been much for all that. But I do love the finished product when my house is all shiny and organized. I need to go through all of the stuff in the house and start getting rid of things that aren't used anymore. I'm tired of seeing the clutter. But man, my couch is so comfy and there's always an SVU marathon on. It's just so hard to manage my time on my days off. 

Oh. I almost forgot. Luna discovered the duck. Over and over again. So I tried to capture the moment a few times and this is the best I could get... Oh, Lordy.

Leaving On a Jetplane...

I need a getaway. I'm one of those people who tends to get incredibly restless after being in stuck in the same routine for too long. I also live in the northeast and it's not a secret how much I dislike the winter. I'd love to stay in the three seasons instead of the four; it's not all it's cracked up to be.

People tend to hate on me for taking vacations, but without a conventional job and without traditional babies to take care of, it's a tad easier for me to getaway than it is for most. As long as my shifts are covered, my boss approves, and I've got the funds, I start feeling the itch to run away for a bit. 

Unfortunately, I need to save money, so there's not exactly the extra funds for vacation time. The bad thing about not having a conventional job is that I don't get paid to take off. That, is one thing I'm jealous of from those nine to fivers. So, on top of having to save up money for vacation, we have to make sure the bills are covered too because I'm not making any money either during the away time. See haters, it's really not that easy!

I'd love to visit with one of my bests in California, but with an upcoming wedding I'm in and with trying to get some studio time, it's looking like I might not be able to get out there before her hubby and her move back East—possibly back East. I'd be really sad if I miss this opportunity to see her, so I'm going to try my hardest to be as frugal as possible so I can. It's been months since I've bought a dress or boots! Be impressed people.

It's looking like my next big trip will be to my favorite place—Nashville. I mean there's Hawaii and there's Aruba, but when I go to Nashville I feel like I'm home, not on vacation. I tend to go to places I love over and over again. Just like some people are with their favorite movies that they can watch over and over again without being bored. When I'm in Nashville I feel like I have the world I love at my fingertips. Everything I love surrounds me there. I can't wait to go again in June. I can't wait to enjoy the music, feel the freedom, and not have a worry in the world.

When I'm here, when I'm in our little house in New York, I can't help but feel like there's so much more I need to experience. I feel a need to just get away from life, from responsibilities, from work—basically from it all. Vacation gives me a sense of sanity in an insane world. I always get a tad jealous when people go away, but I always know that there's nothing like it in the world. There's nothing like experiencing a different life, even if it's only for 6days/7nights.

Bringing Sexy Back...

Okay, I'm making my way back to the gym! I'm pretty happy with that! I'm not going to lie, ten extra pounds does not make the elliptical any easier! Here's a "cheers" to getting those ten pounds off as soon as possible! I can't keep these pounds on and I can't get them off quick enough! I just feel uncomfy and that's just the worst feeling in the world. But my ass is in gear. Hopefully some lunges and squats will kick it into a higher and firmer gear. Summer is just around the corner and I'd like to show off. The moments that women love when it comes to their bodies are those moments when you're happy bathing suit shopping and when you're happy stark naked. I'm bringing sexy back. Indeed, sexy left for the winter.

Besides getting my ass to the gym, there are other things I need to do to keep the ball rolling on bringing sexy back.

I need to walk my dogs. Poor Stella hasn't even been on a leash. I'm pretty sure she'd absolutely love it. She loves being outdoors and just running like a crazy kid. And Luna has become a fatty. Shhhh, don't say it to her face, she'd be really upset about it, but she's become a chunkier like her mom has for the winter. My pups like to follow my lead. We all need some motivation.

I need to not eat at work. Ever. Stupid menu changes are so damn tasty and I can't help but indulge. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I can't wait for the change in the weather. Why does nice weather always just feel extremely motivating? Maybe I should have followed one of my best friends to Florida or California. Hmmm. The nicer weather just sounds so fabulous. The idea of being in a bathing suit three hundred and sixty five days of the year is definitely motivating. Maybe someone I know needs to move to Hawaii. At least I always have great vacation destinations. But I'd rather just have my friends closer.

It's a Saturday and I'm off from work. I have no desire to go out. I have no desire to be social. All I want to do is watch some old movies and some soaps and drink really crappy, fabulous wine and take a melatonin to fall asleep early. How very Marilyn Monroe of me.

Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.

I gotta bring sexy back and better than ever.

Are We There Yet?

I'm not going to lie, I've without a doubt disappeared from the blogging world. I haven't only stopped blogging, but I haven't read a blog in about 6 months either. I just lost all touch with a lot of things in my life. I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed. I've been completely lost. I'd like to say that I've had a quarter-life crisis because it sounds really cool, but I'm 28 now and I'm pretty sure it's not a quarter of my life; unless of course I become a health nut and live into my hundreds like those old people in Japan. One can only hope right?

I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a big dreamer.  My blog name has a lot to do with those dreams. I'm always striving to be "there"— that place where one envisions themselves being at the point that they'll be most happy in their life.

Just a commercial that makes me smile because I always think of "There" - courtesy of Mercedes-Benz

I want that place; I've always wanted that place where I can have everything. I'm incredibly selfish when it comes to that I guess.  I want it all.

I've had this dream since I was about 16 to write music. It's my passion. Writing is my passion. I went to college for Journalism and to be honest, it's just not my thing; even going through those classes I knew, I knew it wasn't really what I wanted to do, but we all do things and finish things to just get through the day and hopefully move on to the next step in life. That's what college was for me. It was passing the time. It was educational and honestly I found it enjoyable. I liked the deadlines. I liked being under pressure on no sleep. It was intense sometimes and I loved it.

I don't have that anymore. I don't have that pressure and I've completely lost that drive that I had even just a few years ago when I was in college. I live off of that. At least I did. Now, I just feel like a lost soul trying to find its' place in this world.

But things are coming together, even when everything sometimes feels like it's falling a part at the same time.  Does that sound confusing or do you completely understand what I mean? If you understand me, then maybe you know exactly where I'm coming from.

Sometimes everything that we dream of comes true.

Sometimes our dreams change and we have new dreams.

Sometimes our dreams get crossed and we get lost along the way because we're not sure if we can live both dreams simultaneously.

Around August I started writing music with a girl named Amy. She's young and she's a sweet heart and she's inanely talented. She also thought that I was like 23— God bless her.

I absolutely love the stuff that we've been coming up with together. It feels serendipitous. I've never felt so comfortable showing my words to someone and having someone just "get it." You can show words on a page to anyone and all they see are words and can't see it as a song. This girl can see the song. She can feel my feelings and make a melody out of it. It's kinda perfect. I'm giddy.

We're heading into the studio in February to record some of our stuff. I'm excited and yet scared out of my mind. But I can't wait to hear the result. I can't wait to start trying to figure out how to sell things. I need to figure out how to copy right and how to sell our demo. I guess I need to get on top of these things.

It's insane what we're trying to make a reality.

This is my childhood dream. I'm pretty sure this is hers too.

Sometimes my life feels like it's in a whirlwind. I'm so up and down and all over the place. I'm thankful to have friends, new and old, who are attempting to keep me sane. I don't know what I would do without a "Thinking of You" card and call from Florida, or a text message from California or Philly. My Golden Girl and I always pick up where we left off and if something happens in our lives we're always the first to know. We have all been through a lot in the past year. Lives are changing so fast. We've lost loved ones, we've gained new loves either in relationships or in forms of babies, and we've been with each other every step of the way. A vacation to brag about, a new job, a birth, someone sending flowers when you feel down and out, or even a new friend knowing that sometimes you just need to gossip and have a glass of wine in order to get through the next few days, weeks, months, or years.

I have to say, I don't have a huge group of close friends, but those that I hold close and trust are so dear to me and I wouldn't know what to do without them. As cheesy as it sounds, and I've said it before, I'm so thankful for the iPhone.

I refuse to believe that people can't have it all. I think that one can live their childhood dream and live the dreams that have already become reality. I want it all.  I want to be selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too (I've never really understood that saying, who would want cake without eating it?!).

I'm going to blog again. I love blogging and I miss it. I've just been in a rut and then in more of a rut. I'm hoping to get my ass out of it in every way. I want to focus on the things that have made me happy, but that I've lost sight of in the mess of every day life. For the few that read this, I hope you continue to again. I'll try not to disappoint and be all rutty again, instead I'll focus on being moony.

It's Totally My Birthday Month...

So why am I not excited?

I'm not going to lie, since my last post, the months have been a bit hard.  My back was worse then thought and I needed to have back surgery.  Let me just say, the surgery and the recovery is so much better than the pain that I was having; at least so far.  The pain was so intense.  Granted I'm only a few days off of my surgery, but I feel so good, at least no more leg pain, just some pain at my incision site.  I'm definitely still in my funk that this all created, but I'm really going to try so hard to get myself out of it.  But this back issue took away all the things that I have come to love in my life.  No gym, no earrings, no guitar, no work, no walking, no gym, sigh.  It's so nice out too, and I can't ride my fabulous bike to the gym either... Did I mention how much I hate not having money already and i'm only a few days into my no work thing!?  Wow, I take so much of my money for granted.  I think I need to revamp my budget—AGAIN!  Especially when I get the chance to get back to work in 6 weeks—6 WEEKS! I need to totally not take for granted the position I'm in.  I'm really good with my money, but I could be even better.  Guess this is what people think of when they have no income coming in and they have way too much time on their hands.  At least it's what I'm thinking of.

I'm totally a person that revels in their birthday month.  I don't limit it to a day or a week, it's always a month.  Yup, I'm that annoying person.  But this time is so different.  I'm not even a little excited.  I'm going to be 28.  I've already had back surgery.  I feel like I'm falling apart.  Emotionally.  Physically.  I'm drained.  Everyone is totally trying to keep my spirits up and I really appreciate it.  From my family, to my coworkers, and my customers, everyone has been keeping in contact and checking in on me.  A lot of people that I never expected.  It means a lot.  I just wish that their positive thoughts could rub off on me just a tad more.

So my birthday is coming up on Wednesday and I'm determined to be a little bit more motivated and a little bit more positive by then.  I don't know how I'm going to do it, but I am.  Twenty-eight huh?  Lordy, I thought I'd have abs by this month, but instead I'm missing pieces of my back!  But I'm determined to get back to my normal routine.  I'm determined to fight my deteriorating back.  Somehow.  I wish I could get motivated with my writing, but I'm in such a funk that I can't get the next scenes to pop into my head.  Hopefully, this will work to motivate at least that end of my creativity.  I have a pretty good set of friends and a great family to rely on.  Did I happen to mention that my cousin in law gave me a brand new pair of Christian Louboutin's?  Yea, I'm kinda giddy over the fact that after my recovery I'm going to rock them!  Somewhere, anywhere!  I love it!

I guess just writing this post has put me in better spirits.  It makes me realize all the things I have to be thankful for.

More to come...

How to Get Out of A Funk...

Surprise, Surprise.  I've been in a funk.  Actually, I'm trying to NOT be in a funk.  Confused?  Well,  I'm pretty sure that normal people call it hormones.  I think men call it the devil that visits monthly.  I'm not exactly sure what I want to call it, other than a Funk.  Stupid hormones.  If they can't give me a baby, then why the heck do I have them?!  Ugh, sigh.  

So, for women, who like me, get in a funk once a month, I'm going to show you how to get out of it.  It's kinda fabulous.  I call it my Six Steps to Sanity.

One.

Cuddle and Talk to Someone Who Doesn't Talk Back.

Two.

Go on a Tiny,  Little Shopping Spree.  

Three.

Continue the Shopping Spree and Proceed to Get Ready for Vacation.  Preferably, Buy a New Suitcase that No One Could Possibly Mistake for Theirs (This Will Keep You Non-Hormonal When Said Vacation Happens and You Are at a Crowded Airport).

Four.

Relax.  Enjoy the Things You Love.

Five.

Go for a Drive.  A Long Drive.  Enjoy the Scenery.  Get Lost in the Moment.

Six.

Workout.

There's nothing you can do about the hormones, the devil, or whatever you want to call your monthly visitor, but I can sure try to ward it off from ruining my days and putting me into a funk. Today was a fabulous day because I followed my Six Steps to Sanity.  

You can totally work the steps and have good days no matter what time of the month it is.  Try it.  I swear it works.

A Tad Better...

I think I got one sip or two of wine in before I fell asleep pretty early last night.  I asked the hubby to pour me one, and for some reason he never uses one of the twelve wine glasses we have.  It's always some big old mug.  He gets an "A" for effort. 

But I think my body needed the sleep.  I think mentally I needed it.  Nine hours of sleep.  How unbelievably perfect right?  I mean, seriously, when's the last time you got that many hours in?  I hit the gym early and hard and felt like a new woman.  I think the sun was even shining today.  I'm totally taking that as a sign to try to stop being all moody.  We shall see how well that works for me.  

On the other hand I did wake up to seeing my favorite Super Bowl commercial.  Sure, there were some funny ones, but there's only one that made the ladies in the bar stop chatting and clap at the end.  Ok, I think I might have started the clapping.

Credit H&M

Oh, David Beckham.  Somehow, you just know exactly how to put a smile on a girl's face.  I think my day just got totally better.

One of THOSE Days...

I have been so incredibly moody today.  Moody enough to change my blog header at least 14 times in the past 12 hours.  Enough to never want to see Photoshop or InDesign for a few days.  I'm feeling so dang indecisive about everything. 

I didn't go to the gym today.  I ate a pack of starbursts. I drank soda. I'm in total sugar addiction mode.  Stupid hormones.  I even drank a beer last night.  Today, in total need of a glass of wine.  

But I did take Luna for a haircut and she looks fabulous.  I was ten minutes late on dropping her off and ten minutes late on picking her up though.  I figured I'd stay consistent.

Then I stood in front of the moisturizers at Kmart for at least a half hour tonight trying to pick out a brand since the one I've been using and that has been recommended is out.  And has been out for two weeks.  I couldn't decide if I should prevent wrinkles, prevent the sun, stop wrinkles, reduce wrinkles, clarify my pores, reduce acnes marks, tone my skin, or look refreshed and renewed.  It was an exhausting process.

I finally decided on Aveeno Smart Essentials.  The nighttime moisturizer at night and the eye thingy for those puffy eyes I get when I only have a few hours of sleep.  Which is too often.

I still will always use Vaseline on my eyes and lips at night.  It's a little tip a friend gave months ago on her Vlog that I still follow.  It always makes me feel refreshed in the morning and it's great at getting off waterproof mascara.  

We'll see how I like them.  Tomorrow I'll probably change my mind.  But I'm going to use them consistently unless I totally hate them.  I need a refreshing change.  I'm such a sucker for advertising.  They say they're the smart, natural choice.  They must be telling the truth right?  

I wish I could live one day as my hubby and he could live one period day as me.  Poor guy.  Hopefully, I wake up on the right side of the hormones, I mean bed, tomorrow.

No More Facebook (At least for now)...

So, I've been realizing that lately I've been wasting a lot of time on Facebook.  Like three hours a day total time.  It's addicting.  It's silly.  I do nothing but open, close, and reopen my laptop, just to check Facebook. It's addicting. 

I need a break.

So I'm taking my own little version of a sabbatical.  A sabbatical from Facebook.  

I waste so much time just checking and rechecking people's status' and pictures.  It's crazy.  I don't know how this happened, but it did. 

So, I want to see what I can accomplish when I'm not on Facebook.  I thought that this would be a good way to start my week of getting on track with my diet (lifestyle change, isn't that what they tell you to call it these days).  Think of all the time I will have when I don't have Facebook to keep me distracted.  We also just got the Rosetta Stone in the mail, so now I can have a good addiction (hopefully).  

I've told people to follow my blog, snail mail me, e-mail me, or, brace yourself... call me!  I'm not available on Facebook for at least the next the week.  My hubby is changing my password for me and under no circumstances can he give it to me!  So, I hope no one does anything exciting this week!  I hope I don't miss being a voyeur for a week.  It's going to drive me nuts, at least for the first few days, to not see 300+ for status updates...

Here goes nothing.  

More Often Than Not...

What do you do when your, ever so often days, turn into your more often than not days?  For me, I feel like I've been in a rut. Ever so often, I like to sit on the couch and watch an old movie or just veg out in front of the tv, but more often than not (damn you Netflix!), I find myself sitting on the couch and watching an old movie with Shirley Temple, Joseph Cotton, or Cary Grant; or I'm just catching up on the latest of House Hunters. I just can't tear myself away.  

Ever so often I would love to take a bath, but I find myself wanting one more and more and more, even though my hubby isn't a big fan because of the water waste.  Today, he even gave his blessing on my bathly desires because of how hard I worked on shoveling the snow... like he had a choice.

Ever so often, I wouldn't mind the snow in New York.  I would see beautiful snowy landscapes out of our window and I would think wow, we've really got a nice setup here.  More often than not, with our eighth storm of the season, I find myself hating the fact that we bought a house in New York because we have to plow the driveway, we have to clean the porches—we have to do everything!  I used to feel so spoiled in the winter when I didn't have to do any of that stuff, more often than not, that princess, spoiled stuff has been thrown out the window, in a snowstorm. I find myself shoveling.  A lot.  Today, I sat on the couch before my hubby went to work and he asked me what my game plan was for the day in order to take care of the snow while he was gone; what's my game plan?  My game plan is to pout every second that I'm in the snow, that's my game plan! And I succeeded.  I went outside and tried really hard to figure out how the hell to get the snow up over the mounds that were already there from the previous storms; I kept cursing the storm and kicking the snow—maybe I should've had a game plan after all.  After finishing the driveway an hour later, I felt like I accomplished something, but then I remembered that I had to clear a pathway to the porches and to the propane tank.  I stood there and I cried...  

More often than not, I find myself crying; about silly things, about nothing.  It's not that I'm sad, I'm a happy person and I love every second of my life.  But things that I would think of as an accomplishment, have become a burden or a worry.  My hubby worries about things around the house falling apart, so I've found myself having the same little OCD things; will this break, how would we pay for this if something broke, is this safe, can I hang that there or is there not a stud in the wall, will we be able to sell when my hubby retires??? I blame him for all of this.  I love him to death, but his worrywart-ness has become a burden that I now bare...

Ever so often I would go into work and I would think to myself, "how the hell did I end up here, how did I end up bartending for a living?" More often than not, I look around me and think how lucky I am to have a job that pays well and is pretty darn steady;  I work with great people, I have a great boss, and I have customers who have become a part of our little work family.  More often than not i count my blessings that I have a great job...

More often than not I think about the struggle that I have with my weight. Instead of being happy that I'm at a good weight, I think that I could easily get back to being that fourteen year old who weighed 192lbs.  I refuse to ever get back up there again, or be close to it.  I'm 26 going on 27 and more often than not I still find myself hating the image that I see in the mirror.  No matter the stupid shit I did to myself as a teen, I still did everything to my body on my own.  The person that's in the mirror is me; good or bad.  More often than not, I hate when my hubby brings up anything that has to remotely do with weight; he'll never understand.  But I need a change.  A for good change though, not just a, "to get me through bathing suit season" kind of change...  

More often than not I take solitude in the happiness that I have when I'm alone.  Sometimes I wish that I still had the friends that I had in high school, but I know as an adult that I have the best friends that a person could ever ask for, even if I don't get to see them that often. But I've got two great friends that I can count on in life, not including my mom and my hubby.  Ever so often I think about why I've lost friends over the years; was I not a good friend, was I not a good person?  People change, I've changed over the years.  People grow together or they grow a part.  Some people just grow differently, they have different desires.  I find myself sad over the friendships I've lost or the ones that never got there chance to grow, but I find myself rejoicing over the friendships that I know I'll keep forever.

More often than not, I miss my brothers.  One lives in Vermont, the other in Florida.  I find myself yearning for that joking, wise ass, family that I grew up with.  I wish I could go see my brother for his thirtieth birthday.  Sometimes plans just can't work.  I find myself wanting family more than anything.  When I was younger we had family dinners every week; we're trying to start that tradition again.  Something to feel connected; more often than not my hubby and I are in our own little world separated from everybody—just me, the hubby, and the puppy.  Sometimes you need more than just the person who sleeps next to you at night; you need the people who've seen you since birth and grew up with you on every step you took on your journey through life (including the braces and bad hair days)...

More often than not I start thinking about far away places.  Anywhere but here.  I want to be at that happy place where we don't live for our jobs.  I think about where I'd be if my parents grew up in California instead of New York; would I be a bleach blonde California girl?  Would I be thin?  Would that make my self image better?  

One day I'll get there.  Being happy no matter what the day brings.  More often than not I find that my hubby's smile is the best part of my day. Having him say he loves me, before I say I love you to him, is even better.  More often than not I find myself questioning everything I do.  I always thought that by 26 I would figure it out; do I want to be a writer, a musician, a mother,  do I just take my chance and go for it?  More often than not I find that I want to chance it and try to write music, somehow, someway.  More often than not, I think that the stress that I put on myself with trying to become a mother, is just not healthy.  I've lost myself.  Maybe it's just not meant to be, maybe it's not meant for me...

Do you ever find yourself thinking, how did I get here?  

Where do I want to be? Am I there?

More often than not, I find myself knowing that my life will turn out to be exactly how I dreamed it would be—half my dream is already with me every night when I sleep next to him.  I know we'll end up there- but More often than not, it feels like life gets in the way of the big picture...

Kitchen. Done...

I cannot even explain to you about how happy I am to finally post this:

Our Kitchen, is finished!

Ever since we bought our house in July of 2008, we noticed something about the kitchen that we hated: the sink.  It was a double, stainless steel sink that was all bent around the edges; it looked crappy.

We decided that we weren't always going to be able to handle its crappiness and we would have to change it.  That time finally came around the last week of August of this year; we bought a sink from Lowes and decided to have it installed by them.  After they came to measure and said everything was a go, we set up the date.  The date came and the installer magically came to the conclusion that it wouldn't work.  Our last sink was rigged into a hole that was cut too large into our crappy laminate countertop.

  

Great.  So our little weekend project turned into what I like to refer to as 

The Weekend Project from Hell!

So our choices came down to these:

1) We buy new cabinets for under the sink

2) We buy new countertops

WHAT!?

Either way, our little weekend project that we thought was going to cost us a few hundred dollars, turned into a project that would cost us a thousand or more.

We decided that we would no longer work with Lowes and would go through my Uncle's business, Neversink Lumber.

The hubby and I never planned on living in this home forever, so we didn't think that the Corian or granite options were good ones for us.  For our tiny kitchen it would cost us over $3000 for either option; it just wouldn't be worth the investment.

Thankfully, I saw a great high end laminate version at my cousin's house and thought that it would be the perfect solution.  I'm pretty sure that I'll take a $700 option versus a $3000 one any day.

After months of this garbage, the laminate people called Wednesday at one in the afternoon to let us know that they would come the next day, Thursday, to install the countertop.  Problem is, we'd have to have our old sink and countertop uninstalled before they came.  

Ridiculous!  Talk about great timing!

Thankfully, my brother-in-law, who was sick as a dog, came on Wednesday to take the old out; my mom came over to help.  I wasn't sure they could handle it without the help of my massive muscles, so I escaped from work for 30 minutes in order to help.

I'm not going to lie: when the new countertop was installed, I was disappointed.

It didn't look like what I ordered.  But then again, I guess when you look at a little tiny square, there's pretty much no way to see how it would look when it's on a large scale.

Now that it's installed with the sink and new faucet, I think it looks fabulous!

Does that make me crazy?

I'm pretty sure that I'm happy with the choices we made.  Unfortunately, I had to paint the edges where the old countertop was; I'm still not a big fan of painting.

But, I love it.

Unfortunately, we still haven't paid for it.

I'm just so thankful that our kitchen is finally done.

There are Times When I Hate Being a Woman...

Have you ever felt that way?  Even if you're not a woman, have you ever just hated being you?  Even just for a second?  Have you thought about how nice it would be just to have someone else's life just for a moment in time?

When you're walking down the streets of NYC and you see someone with impeccable style and you think, "wow, I wish I had the guts/money to wear that?"  Or you see the girl running on the Hudson river overlooking Manhattan and you think, "I wish I had the energy to do that?"  Then you see the woman pushing a stroller in her skinny jeans and you think, "wow, she's got a baby and she's still got it together."  I don't look that good and I don't have a baby!

Sometimes you just wish you had it all.

You think about buying an extra MegaMillions ticket.  You think about the choices you make on a daily basis that put you where you are.  Maybe I should have bought that extra ticket, maybe then the hubby wouldn't have to go to work.  I miss him when he's at work.

Am I the cheesy housewife?

Yesterday I found myself explaining the Fall weather to the puppy.  She stood on the porch with the wind blowing on her and she looked at me like, "what's going on?"  So I stood there and held her and explained that a storm was coming.  What the hell is wrong with me?!

Never in my life did I think that I would want to have a child.  That's right, I said it.  And it ends up that every month I'm disappointed.

After years and years of saying, "whoohoo, no baby this month."  Now I'm saying, "yea, well, no baby for us."

It's not like we're trying, trying.  I just started having this hope that it would just happen when we least expected it.  Just like finding each other.

I don't want to ever have to make a thing of it.  I hate myself for thinking about it.  I never thought I'd do this.  When we first met we both weren't big on kids; how does it happen?  How do you suddenly change your mind?  I always thought I'd be a career woman.  Now I love being a wife and dream of being a mom to our kid.  Just one, God, that's all I ask for.  But if He's got other plans for me, I'm OK with it.  I swear.  I just wish He'd let me know as soon as possible so I can get this out of my head.

Can I be the woman who has it all?  Can I be the one that has it all together?

I have a great hubby, a great house, a job that I enjoy (most of the time)— I'm just looking for the me that goes for a run because it's what I enjoy (not what I NEED to do), I'm looking for the moment that I can just write books and not worry about the day to day crap that comes with paying bills and making ends meet, and I'm looking for a little baby of our own.  Maybe I can make the first two happen, if I had a little bit more drive.  But the last one is in the hand's of God.  I leave that up to Him.

But where exactly does drive come from?  And how can I cash in on it?

Do you know anyone that has it ALL — maybe it's all a facade.  Maybe we're just made to think that having it all is the way to go.  Maybe I should just be blessed because I have an amazing hubby who loves me more than anything, a family that loves me not because they have to but because they choose to (oh, and Hi Dad, thanks for reading)...  I am a lucky woman.

Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop stressing.

Getting Back into the Swing of Things...

Let me be honest, I've been trying to slack lately. I've been trying to cuddle up inside my robe and blankets and keep inside the house as much as possible. I keep thinking that doing these things are going to make me feel better, that this laziness is going to make me feel like I'm on vacation. But to be honest, it's put me in a funk. An honest to goodness funk. So these past couple of days I've been determined to get out of it. I've finally taken down the Christmas tree, I refinished the pantry that I bought a few weeks ago, I trimmed my hair, and I've gotten back into my workout routine. And as good as it felt to sit on the couch and do nothing, it's felt even better to get out of this funk. Do you ever get this way? Do you get the feeling that no matter what you do, it's not enough? So you'd rather just sit on the couch and watch day turn to night without ever leaving the comfort of home. Oh winter, how I hate you and the funk you put me in! But I refuse to let it bring me down. I'm officially declaring myself, funkless.

Here's what I've been up to...

I bought this pantry a few weeks back and finally got around to doing a finish on it. With the unbearably cold weather, this took longer than I predicted to dry and a second coat was definitely needed. I'm still going to work on "antiquing" it a little bit with some sandpaper, but I'm really happy with the end result, and the extra storage.

I bought some new bed side table lamps for me and the hubby. He's never had a lamp and I've been looking for some matching ones for a long time now. These were a steal at TJ Maxx for $34. Once I get these pictures hung, I'll show the end result of how our bedroom has turned out over the past year of so of living in our home. I just love shopping to help get me out of my funk...

The office with my hubby's new computer is next on my list. Although we are definitely keeping the desk (it was my grama's and I will never part with it) I need to get some paint color on the walls to make the space more inviting.

These pictures are finally framed from our wedding, now all I'm waiting for is for the hubby to get out his trusty hammer and nails to hang them. I can't wait to have some memories from our wedding day hanging on our walls.

So much to do so little time. At least I'm finally getting the ball rolling and not just working on the magazine that I'm interning for. There's just so much research involved that by the end of the day, there seems to be no me time. I guess I finally realized I was using my "me" time to sit on the couch and do nothing and that was defeating the whole purpose of me time. Soon (two weeks to be exact) I'll be soaking up the bubbles of my new jetted tub. The date is set for two Fridays from now and I can't wait. Now I'm off to do some pilates and pick out some bathtub pictures before work. The sun is shining, but I know it's deceiving because it's still unbearably cold outside. But I've gotta suck it up, I've got things to do!