The Path Not Taken...

I'm feeling kinda crazy.

I'm going to take on this crazy, new adventure and I can't believe what I'm about to do.

Two weeks.

Holy shit.

I've been at my current job for over 8 years. A college graduate, magna cum laude, and I'm still bar-tending. Those people who say that money isn't everything, you really need to rethink that. Money makes the world go round is definitely a better saying.

I'm so anxious right now. For the first time in years, I won't have a job. To say the least, I'm terrified. I can't wait to get settled in and go job hunting. But to say I'm anything but terrified would be a lie. I know that I need to do this. I need to follow my dream. I have such an amazing support system. But that doesn't change the fact that for at least a few months I'll be in Nashville on my own.

I'm going to miss my husband. He's truly my best friend. I'm scared. I'm terrified to be without him. I know I have to do this. I know I have to try my hand at this.

There are too many musicians that I know who say that their biggest regret is that they never tried. I don't want to be saying that. Time is not on my side. But i'm still scared. This is a long shot. I'm taking a huge risk. I'm risking everything in my life that is good for a dream I've had for my entire life. Ever since I saw LeAnn Rimes perform when I was like ten or eleven. Damn her.

It was always a dream. Nothing more. I never thought i'd ever be crazy enough to try for it. I don't want to resent my life. It's a good life. But it's felt like something is missing. It's been missing music. My music. Our music.

Two weeks from today we'll be on the road to our Nashville town home. I'm freaking out. Not from excitement, but from sheer fear of the unknown. God please treat me well. I don't deserve your prayers for something so trivial, but please help me on this new path; I know I'll need some sanity in the next few months.

They say dream big. I'm following a dream that is bigger than anything I ever thought possible. Wish Amy and I luck, she'll be following suit in June. Say prayers. Help me realize this path that I never thought was possible.

Almost a Month...

It's been almost a month since I started to feel like a kid again.  When I was ten I remember sitting on my front porch and looking across the street and not being able to see the leaves on the trees anymore- just blobs of green color.  I remember becoming scared about taking the eye exam at school the next time it came up.  Oh God, I knew I'd have to get glasses!  And when I was in school, glasses weren't fashionable and they weren't worn just to look cool- they were metal framed and round and you were lucky if at best you only had to wear them just to see the chalkboard.  Thankfully, after I failed the test and had a good cry, I did only have to wear them for the chalkboard.  

Since I was about 13 or 14 I've had to wear contacts or glasses on a full-time basis.  It sucks.  It always has sucked.  Even though the glasses have become cooler and the contacts had become more comfortable to wear, I kept dreaming of the day where I would be able to see again without them, if that was at all possible.  I heard about my cousin getting LASIK done and thought, "If I ever have the money, I'm totally getting that!"  For years I kept on saying to my mom that I was going to get it done- but then LIFE got in the way; a car, college tuition, then a wedding, and then a mortgage.  Finally, I just decided one day, after my contacts ran out, that I was going to do it.  My insurance through my hubby was crap for glasses and I rationalized getting the surgery because over the years, I'd pretty much pay more for contacts and glasses then I would for the surgery.  So I got the information, traveled to Philadelphia, and started to get the ball rolling.  I was going to be able to see again.  No squinting.  No more fear of fans drying my eyes out.  No more Mr. Magoo.

I'm not a JETS fan, this was all for the hubby, a day before my surgery.

Let me tell you, the fear of the surgery, the fear of the unknown, the fear of going blind, was so much worse than the actual surgery!  I couldn't sleep for two days.  The anxiety was killing me!  Everyone was telling me to calm down, but could you imagine the fear?!  It's not like getting bridgework done, it's messing with your eyesight!   

After having to wear my glasses for a month straight and getting plenty of "sexy librarian" comments, which by the way, I didn't mind too much, I finally went in for surgery.  After a last bit of testing, I was told by my nurse how fabulous my glasses were while another nurse told her not to say that right before I was going in for LASIK!  They were so friendly and the laugh helped calm my nerves, along with some calming drugs; then I was given a sexy paper gown, shoes, and hat—I was going in for surgery.  

My hubby was prepared to sit it out for the long haul while I was in surgery.  Little did he know, it wasn't going to last long.  

A nice nurse in a paper gown came to get me out of the waiting room and reluctantly left my hubby's arm.  She asked me my name and asked me what I was in for.  After being a little drugged up, I said, "my eyes."  She definitely had a good laugh because apparently I was suppose to say LASIK, because there are different kinds of eye surgeries going on at Kremer.  

I was laid down on a chair that looked like a dentists' chair and the doctor greeted me by asking me my name once again.  And then the sci-fi moments began...

I remember Dr. Aronsky, who is so nice, and not too shabby looking either, asking me to close my eyes and then he said he was going to push on my eye to see how the pressure would be on my eye and if I was ok with it; it was nothing.  He put this little circular thing in my eye to hold it open, and then it started.  I remember laying there and knowing that my eye was open, but I couldn't see, everything went black and I thought to myself, Oh Geeze what is going on...  I felt something circle my eye, but it wasn't painful, I just knew something was happening.  In the background I heard one of the friendly nurses doing a countdown, "19 seconds doctor, 14 seconds..." and then when that countdown was done they went to the other eye and the countdown continued.  When they said they were done with that part of the surgery I felt like I couldn't open my eyes.  It was a weird feeling.  I didn't know if my eyes were open or closed.  They gave me a blanket because I was cold, and then they told me to open my eyes and see if I could get up and walk to the next laser.  I said I couldn't for some reason, but they convinced me I could, I did, and then moved to the next chair.  

The doctor asked me how I was doing and I said fine in a very loopy voice.  Then I told him that this felt like,"sci-fi shit" with the countdown going on and all the feelings and sights, it definitely felt like a sci-fi movie.  He laughed and agreed on it being sci-fi shit and then he said that the hard part was over.  I couldn't believe that because it felt like nothing!  Just, weird.

They then covered my face and covered one eye while they started work on the other.  Again, my eye was held open and the doctor told me every step of what he was doing.  It was so weird to see what was going on but not feel a thing!  I was told to continue to stare at a yellow beam and then I was told to listen to the sound of the laser just so I wouldn't be startled by it later.  I saw water go over my eye with a little tool that looked like what you'd see at a dentist— you know how weird it is to see water go over your eye, but you can't feel it!?  It's weird; the first reaction to water is to normally close your eyes, but with this it was like looking at it with glass over top, it looked cool.  Then air came, then it kinda looked like he was painting something on my eye, possibly my lens thing?! I don't know!  and the order could definitely be messed up, but then I heard the "da da da da da" of the laser and it was over with.  Then we were on to the other eye.  Again, the countdowns were going, "19 seconds, 10 seconds..." Hearing people working around you working and saying, "yes doctor"-  Now I know what the aliens feel like in those sci-fi movies!  

After a minute they sat me up and told me all was finished.  It was like my eyesight was better but like swimming under water.  Just a little grainy.  I got up and walked to a room where the doctor checked my eyes and said the nurse would be in with my care package and that I was good to go.  With my fabulous goggles.  

Had to wear this fabulous eye wear every night when I slept for a week.

I came out of the office and my hubby looked up and couldn't believe I was done.  It took ten minutes.  Literally.  

I could see.  My eyes felt like they had sand in them and I didn't want to keep them open.  They also make sure that for healing you have to have them closed for six hours.  I fell asleep on most of the car ride home and then when my hubby stopped for food I peeked out from my goggles and noticed that I could see!  Like no longer grainy, but my eyes were still sensitive.  The surgery was done at two in the afternoon.  After I woke up from sleeping at nine at night, my eyesight was perfect!  No sandy eyes.  No pain.  No sensitivity.  It was amazing!  I cried and cried.  

The next day I drove down for my follow up appointment and couldn't stop crying over how amazing it felt to see.  I was back at work that day too.  My only complaint is that I never saw Dr. Aronsky again to thank him personally for the amazing gift I received.  How do you thank someone for the gift of sight?  You honestly can't.  It's something I dreamt of but never thought I'd have.  No more glasses, which disappoints some people, but makes me smile from ear to ear.  It was the best decision I ever made.  I can't wait for the summer so I can swim under water with my eyes open again and really feel like a kid with not a care in the world.  I can get splashed in a pool, I can shower without my contacts falling out, I can use fans, and I can work my long hours without pain. 

It's been almost a month and I've never felt more free.  The first two days I had to set my iPhone every hour for eye drops, but let me tell you how soon you forget the little inconveniences once you can see!  I can wake up whenever and be able to see.  I can run and be able to see the leaves on the trees.  It's the most amazing feeling in the world.  I've never felt more happiness.

Halloween, four days after my surgery

So it's Been Insanely Long...

Like I can't even tell you the last time I read a blog, let alone, wrote one.  I am the worst kind of blogger.  The one that finally gets people to read some of her stories and then stops dead in her tracks because that whole thing called LIFE gets in the way.  I'm not going to try to redeem myself here, not even for a second... ok, maybe I will.

I love blogging, but I started to get all into this whole working out thing and started to actually enjoy going to the gym- one opened up a little less than a mile from my house- so I honestly had no excuse not to go.  So those mornings when I would normally sit my lazy ass on the couch with a cup of tea were suddenly being spent waking up and going immediately to the gym.  NEVER in my life did I ever believe I'd be the person who wakes up and before even a taste of caffeine hit the gym!  But here I am- a certifiable gym rat. When I missed two weeks after getting LASIK eye surgery about a month ago, my first day back I was met with greetings by my fellow gym goers asking where I was and if everything was OK.  I guess the two weeks off did me good too because they also told me I looked fabulous.  Oh, hell, eating right and exercising on a regular basis does actually do good things for your body!  Who would have thought!? What a crazy concept right?  I've done the gym classes and I've had great results, but the way my body looks now, is just, well, like pure happiness.  I'm far from perfect and I'm far from done, but I'd say I'm 90 percent happy with where I'm at.  So, if I lag a little, well a lot, at the whole blogging thing, give me a little leeway because you should just know how HOT i'm looking right now and smile for me!  I'm not being conceited, I'm just being a little fat girl that realized she doesn't always have to be, if she's willing to put the effort and time into it.  Somehow my blog always ends up going back to me and my weight.  I guess that is my LIFE.

I'll post pictures at some point.  But right now, I didn't feel like going all out.  I just wanted you to welcome me back.  I didn't realize how many people actually read my posts until I went to my hairdresser and she asked me where my blog was, and then a relative, and then another... it made me feel good and then horrible because I never realized so many people read it!  So thanks to my blogger creepers!  I'm glad you're out there, even if you never let me know!

I've also been working a lot at my job and stepping into a manager role which has definitely been taxing on my time and my emotions, but I'm trying to find time to do my music and continue to write.  I don't want to live a life without passion and writing is that for me.  I've been so inspired in the past year to get my butt in gear and continue to sing and to write.  I'm trying to find like-minded people who have the same goals as me, but time and LIFE always gets in the way.  But I know beautiful music is going to get made and that makes me smile and keeps me writing.

I've updated you a little... please allow me to welcome you back into my life and i'm really hoping that you'll let me back into yours.  I hope you're all still out there and are looking forward to what is to come... I've promised my mom I'd set up a YouTube account and start copyrighting my music so I can get it out there.  Sometimes all you need is the right people in your life to light a fire under your butt to get you back into the swing of things; I'm glad I have the best people in my life to do so.

More Often Than Not...

What do you do when your, ever so often days, turn into your more often than not days?  For me, I feel like I've been in a rut. Ever so often, I like to sit on the couch and watch an old movie or just veg out in front of the tv, but more often than not (damn you Netflix!), I find myself sitting on the couch and watching an old movie with Shirley Temple, Joseph Cotton, or Cary Grant; or I'm just catching up on the latest of House Hunters. I just can't tear myself away.  

Ever so often I would love to take a bath, but I find myself wanting one more and more and more, even though my hubby isn't a big fan because of the water waste.  Today, he even gave his blessing on my bathly desires because of how hard I worked on shoveling the snow... like he had a choice.

Ever so often, I wouldn't mind the snow in New York.  I would see beautiful snowy landscapes out of our window and I would think wow, we've really got a nice setup here.  More often than not, with our eighth storm of the season, I find myself hating the fact that we bought a house in New York because we have to plow the driveway, we have to clean the porches—we have to do everything!  I used to feel so spoiled in the winter when I didn't have to do any of that stuff, more often than not, that princess, spoiled stuff has been thrown out the window, in a snowstorm. I find myself shoveling.  A lot.  Today, I sat on the couch before my hubby went to work and he asked me what my game plan was for the day in order to take care of the snow while he was gone; what's my game plan?  My game plan is to pout every second that I'm in the snow, that's my game plan! And I succeeded.  I went outside and tried really hard to figure out how the hell to get the snow up over the mounds that were already there from the previous storms; I kept cursing the storm and kicking the snow—maybe I should've had a game plan after all.  After finishing the driveway an hour later, I felt like I accomplished something, but then I remembered that I had to clear a pathway to the porches and to the propane tank.  I stood there and I cried...  

More often than not, I find myself crying; about silly things, about nothing.  It's not that I'm sad, I'm a happy person and I love every second of my life.  But things that I would think of as an accomplishment, have become a burden or a worry.  My hubby worries about things around the house falling apart, so I've found myself having the same little OCD things; will this break, how would we pay for this if something broke, is this safe, can I hang that there or is there not a stud in the wall, will we be able to sell when my hubby retires??? I blame him for all of this.  I love him to death, but his worrywart-ness has become a burden that I now bare...

Ever so often I would go into work and I would think to myself, "how the hell did I end up here, how did I end up bartending for a living?" More often than not, I look around me and think how lucky I am to have a job that pays well and is pretty darn steady;  I work with great people, I have a great boss, and I have customers who have become a part of our little work family.  More often than not i count my blessings that I have a great job...

More often than not I think about the struggle that I have with my weight. Instead of being happy that I'm at a good weight, I think that I could easily get back to being that fourteen year old who weighed 192lbs.  I refuse to ever get back up there again, or be close to it.  I'm 26 going on 27 and more often than not I still find myself hating the image that I see in the mirror.  No matter the stupid shit I did to myself as a teen, I still did everything to my body on my own.  The person that's in the mirror is me; good or bad.  More often than not, I hate when my hubby brings up anything that has to remotely do with weight; he'll never understand.  But I need a change.  A for good change though, not just a, "to get me through bathing suit season" kind of change...  

More often than not I take solitude in the happiness that I have when I'm alone.  Sometimes I wish that I still had the friends that I had in high school, but I know as an adult that I have the best friends that a person could ever ask for, even if I don't get to see them that often. But I've got two great friends that I can count on in life, not including my mom and my hubby.  Ever so often I think about why I've lost friends over the years; was I not a good friend, was I not a good person?  People change, I've changed over the years.  People grow together or they grow a part.  Some people just grow differently, they have different desires.  I find myself sad over the friendships I've lost or the ones that never got there chance to grow, but I find myself rejoicing over the friendships that I know I'll keep forever.

More often than not, I miss my brothers.  One lives in Vermont, the other in Florida.  I find myself yearning for that joking, wise ass, family that I grew up with.  I wish I could go see my brother for his thirtieth birthday.  Sometimes plans just can't work.  I find myself wanting family more than anything.  When I was younger we had family dinners every week; we're trying to start that tradition again.  Something to feel connected; more often than not my hubby and I are in our own little world separated from everybody—just me, the hubby, and the puppy.  Sometimes you need more than just the person who sleeps next to you at night; you need the people who've seen you since birth and grew up with you on every step you took on your journey through life (including the braces and bad hair days)...

More often than not I start thinking about far away places.  Anywhere but here.  I want to be at that happy place where we don't live for our jobs.  I think about where I'd be if my parents grew up in California instead of New York; would I be a bleach blonde California girl?  Would I be thin?  Would that make my self image better?  

One day I'll get there.  Being happy no matter what the day brings.  More often than not I find that my hubby's smile is the best part of my day. Having him say he loves me, before I say I love you to him, is even better.  More often than not I find myself questioning everything I do.  I always thought that by 26 I would figure it out; do I want to be a writer, a musician, a mother,  do I just take my chance and go for it?  More often than not I find that I want to chance it and try to write music, somehow, someway.  More often than not, I think that the stress that I put on myself with trying to become a mother, is just not healthy.  I've lost myself.  Maybe it's just not meant to be, maybe it's not meant for me...

Do you ever find yourself thinking, how did I get here?  

Where do I want to be? Am I there?

More often than not, I find myself knowing that my life will turn out to be exactly how I dreamed it would be—half my dream is already with me every night when I sleep next to him.  I know we'll end up there- but More often than not, it feels like life gets in the way of the big picture...

Final Car Payment...

I was so excited last month because I was finally going to make my last car payment! Sixteen months early! I was so excited, key word is, was. I had my statement balance in hand and went online to make my final payment and then I anxiously awaited my new title that would say I was finally the owner!

I bought my 2007 Honda Civic in October of 2006. Before that I was driving my mom's 1999 Buick whenever she wasn't using it. I was living at home so it really wasn't an inconvenience for either of us, until I started dating my future hubby in September 2006. It's weird to ask your mom if you can borrow her car for the night. It's great when she doesn't mind, but that's when I started to feel like I was taking advantage of my car driving privileges. It was time to get my own car. I love my little civic and I plan on keeping it for as long as it's convenient for both the hubby and me. If we have a baby someday, my little two-door won't exactly be the best car.

This car has taken me on great rides. It's been the best gas-saver on my commute to college. I've never had a problem, other than sometimes keeping it as dirty as I would my room when I was a kid (sorry about that mom, I understand now that I have my own home)... It's been a good little car.

But thinking about my last payment made me think of the future of cars for me. My first choice is the new Honda Accord Crosstour.

I love the feel of a car, and we're not planning on having kids (plural that is) so I will never drive a mini-van. The hubby is not a big fan of the look of the car, he says it's similar to a bubble, but I love it! I think it's a perfect car, so I went and test drove it last week. Unfortunately, the guy who sold me my first car was off for the day, so I had to settle on his partner. The man was very nice, of course he said all the right things that a salesman says, "Oh, look at you in that car, it's a perfect fit!"— You know the regime if you've ever bought a new car from a dealer... then I went for the test drive and it was amazing. It has the feel of a car, but it's 4-wheel drive and has lots of room. Loved it!

Then we started to talk about trade-in value. He said that they would give me $10,000 for my little beautiful civic. I think she deserves more. He said that I would get more on the private market for her because she is in great shape. Then it happened. The little words that just piss a woman off! "I'm sure when you come back in with your husband, he can wheel and deal the price for your trade in up a few hundred bucks."

Seriously?! This is my car. I don't need my hubby to wheel and deal for me on my car. I ask his input because we're in a partnership. But the nerve of him! It just totally turned me off. I wasn't going to buy anytime soon anyway, unless we needed to, I guess I just didn't realize that there are still people out there that are male chauvinists.

If that wasn't enough, I finally got what I was waiting for from my bank that I had the car loan with. I was so excited for it to be opened. My hubby got the mail that day and he knew I was waiting for it, so I asked him to open it, then he laughed and said he was sorry: my balance is $2.23! What?! Apparently, I have to wait another month to get my title amendment because they decided to charge the interest at the end of each month. Lucky me.

So finally, my final car payment is actually a final payment! I'll be waiting for the postal carrier to deliver it, just so I can be proud of my first big purchase I made on my very own. Yeah me! Maybe next time I go to the dealership I'll find a salesman who thinks I'm "man enough" to make a big girl purchase on my own...

I'm a College Graduate...

Since I've been dating my hubby, I've been going to college. In a few weeks, on my 26th birthday, I will finally be graduating from college. It's a strange feeling. A part of me wants to go back for another major. Now isn't that the craziest thing? Me? The person who dreaded early morning wake-ups for early morning classes and the long commutes has actually considered going back for another round. I'm pretty sure that I've got that crazy idea out of my head, but it has crossed my mind. I know there are no jobs in the journalism field so I've considered another, but then again, I love to write, so I think I'll stay true to my first instinct. But don't quote me on any of this because you never know what crazy idea I'll come up with in the next few years.

I hate to say this, but I think college was probably the easiest thing to do when it comes to schooling. I mean I dreaded the general education credits and I have hated a teacher or two or the assignments I was given, but to get good grades in college is a lot easier then trying to get them in high school. I'm not trying to sound crazy, so hear me out. In high school you have to take classes everyday, five days a week, but when you're in college you could have one class one day and maybe three on another day... Hello?! Come on now, after getting up at 6:30 a.m every day in high school, college is like easy street. Granted, you might get stuck with the shitty teacher and you might pull a couple more all nighters, but in general, it's an easier schedule, that's for sure. I would always love hearing kids at college complain about their work load. Come on, I work a full-time job and I go to school, and I commute. If you just stop partying every night, maybe your work load might get a little easier. Anyway, end of my rant, I just can't believe it's over. Amen that it is over, but it's going to be very strange. No whining about assignments I don't want to write, no complaining about professors that shouldn't be teaching, and no long commutes. It's a little strange. And I like it.

So what do I do with my time now that I'm a college graduate?

Well, after the 10 a.m. commencement ceremony, which for me starts at 8:30 (UGH!)- I'm pretty sure we'll go out to lunch. It is my birthday. Although soon enough I'm pretty sure that I will just have to stop celebrating these birthday things because I can't really handle that my age keeps going up. I mean seriously, when did I become an adult? Because I'm pretty sure I'm still my mother's princess and that I'm still the baby, so when did I start thinking about having one of my own? How does this all happen?!

So back to what I'll do with my time now that I'm a college graduate.

Well, I'm writing. Little by little I've started my book. I'm pretty happy with that prospect and with what I've written so far, but I just wish I had like five days in a row to just sit and write all day long. Hopefully, I can keep the flow going. I'm so afraid to lose it because I'm out of school. I can so easily fall into a pattern of reading books that I haven't been able to read, catching up on old t.v. shows that I haven't been able to fully enjoy, or now, enjoying my little pup that just brings a lot of happiness and a lot of work! I mean come on, how many times can I possibly take the little one to the vet? Her poor little eyes get infections because she's too small to fight them off. Why does she get them? The vet says if she even gets dust or dirt in her eye, poof, infection. Vet bills and visits, making special trips to pick up her food, and loads of her laundry! Now, try to tell me that I'm not a mother! I've got a lot that I'm going to try to do. I just hope that I can get my book finished. Then, I hope to get it published. Then, I hope that it makes money and then I can just live a life of luxury. Sigh. Oh, wouldn't that just be peachy?

So I'm a college graduate with no prospect of really having a job. Thankfully, I have a job. But not one that has anything to do with my field of study. But isn't that how it happens more often than not? Isn't it sad? I can't tell you how many of us were in graduation practice yesterday talking about how there are no jobs and how many times I heard, "hello unemployment line"— it's just sad. You work your butt off, for what? I know I feel great about my accomplishment. I just hope that I can have it pay off with my book. At least I know that on the sleeve it will say something about me being a college graduate. I guess that makes it all worth it. And I get to see my family smiling when they call my name.