Friday, June 19, 2009

How to NOT Emotionally Eat!

I've always been an emotional eater.  I was when I was young, and I still struggle with it at 25.  Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room at St. Peter's hospital in Albany, trying to pass some time while my mother is in surgery to remove her womanly parts.  I haven't slept in over 24 hours and all I want to do is cry for my mom, cry for my aunt, and cry for myself.  I've pretty much come to the conclusion that with two female relatives having cancer in my family, it is almost inevitable for me to face the same struggles when I'm in my fifties.  My aunt passed away almost exactly a month ago after a 9 year struggle with breast cancer and now my mom has ovarian.  It's so strange to me.  I always remember as a child that my mom and my aunt would go for walks, eat salads, and fruit salads.  They never wanted to face the same fate that my grandmother held, which was morbid obesity.  Yet, my grandmother passed away at 71- years old and my aunt passed at 61.  My mom is 54, going on 55.  My aunt was diagnosed over 9 1/2 years ago with cancer and fought the most courageous battle.  I couldn't have been more proud of her and I hope she knew that.  We were such a close family when I was younger and I cherish those memories and I only hope that my cousins and I still remain close through the years when we have children and start growing older.  I just think to myself, my mom is 54.  She's so young and my family was hit so hard with cancer-  In the same week we found out of my aunt's sure passing and my mom's diagnosis.  It's been a hard month.  So here I am in the waiting room in Albany and all I want to do is cry.  My mom said to me this morning when I called her to see what time we were meeting for the drive up, that I need to watch myself and make sure I go to the doctor once I have insurance.  It's sad that my mother has to worry about me at 25 - it's sad that she has to worry about me having this damn disease one day.  Cancer- I hate you!  I hate you for putting my family through hell and I hate you for looming around me.  I hate that my mom cries because she no longer has a sister.  I hate that my family has done everything that they're "supposed to do" to take care of themselves and yet this disease still has it's dirty little head involved in all of our lives.  One thinks to themselves, "i'll eat right, i'll exercise, no one says I have to be perfect, but I'll do what I need to do to take care of myself."  And yet it doesn't really matter in the end does it?  My grama didn't take care of herself a day in her life.  She went to weight watchers meetings and then went out to dinner afterwards with her "friends."  She was a sad woman most of the time.  Food didn't make her happy but it helped her mask all the pain she was really in.  Food was the thing she lived for.  Any excuse to eat was an excuse for her to feel happy.  It wasn't the food, it was the companionship.  (A lady just walked around with a basket of food- I took a graham cracker- I didn't reach for the cookie)  So here I am, in a waiting room, staring at a number on a screen that represents my mom- I'm waiting for my moms fate.  Has the cancer spread?  Did they catch it quick enough?  All these questions are running through my mind, yet the person I want to talk to and cry with is lying in the OR, the other is at home laying in bed.  I'm not good with emotions.  I wear them on my sleeve.  I always have.  I want to ball right now, but I know God is listening and this collossal joke that is cancer will not rear its ugly head in our lives anymore.  Are you there God? it's me Dana.  And I'm tired of crying over my weight.  I'm tired of trying to take care of myself if this is all pointless.  So if, in your infinite wisdom you decide to take my mom from me, or you decide to take me from my mom, let me know now.  I'm tired of fighting and struggling to get this thing under control if it's just not worth it.  For years my aunt and my mom walked, they ate salad, they ate fruit and they took care of their families.  They did what I'm doing now.  So let me know, is it worth the effort?  Cuz right about now, I want to grab a cookie...

1 comment:

Trish said...

I hate it too Dana. Cancer seems to be inevitable in my family as well and it makes you wonder why we even take care of ourselves. Its hard, frustrating, and at times overwhelming to be the type of person that wears their heart on their sleeve. I know because I am the same way. But that makes us who we are and we will continue caring and trying to do what is right. Because that is who we are... who you are. Your aunt was a fighter, your mom is a fighter... you are a fighter... continue fighting... and keep on grabbing the graham instead of the cookie. I love you hun and I'm here for you every step of the way.


Related Posts with Thumbnails