Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Back into the Swing...

It's been a hectic month or so... finals and family aren't exactly the best combination.  Yet finals are over and hopefully the sadness that's been going on with my family is winding down, even though I'm expecting more drama soon.  Deaths in a family are so hard to handle, and it doesn't help with losing weight either!  Everyone brings food and everyone wants to comfort you.  Why is that?  Why do food and comfort go hand in hand?  Ever since I was a little kid I was given "comfort food."  Whether I was good or whether I was bad I went to food for comfort.  Maybe it's because when I was good I was given food as a treat and then if I was bad I wanted to sneak food in order to feel better about myself.  I guess it never fails when there's a funeral that food will be given, but I think I made it through pretty well.  After the drama of sicknesses in the family and deaths, my hubby and I finally went on our vacation to Aruba.  I have to say, I was not looking forward to being in a bikini, but I have to admit, I like the shape that my body has taken more and more.  I haven't lost the weight yet that I want to lose, but i've toned up a lot and my shape is starting to, well, take shape.  But I still want to lose weight before the wedding.  I feel like i'm like the poster child for failed diet attempts.  I can't get on a steady track with anything.  I love my bodybugg but it's really not conducive to wearing summer clothes.  I don't want to be in a tank top or short sleeved shirt wearing my bodybugg.  It's just not going to happen.  So here I am again, going back to square one I feel like.  I'm going back on Jenny Craig.  This is the thing, I know it works for me. I've used it before and stayed with it and lost weight.  Then I started feeling cocky thinking I could do it on my own.  I've read every diet book, every magazine, every news clip on what to eat and how to eat and when to eat.  How could I not lose weight on my own?! Well, let's face it, I can maintain on my own but I can't lose, unless i'm starving myself or sticking my finger down my throat.  The hubby hates when I say I can't do something, but I just can't.  He says if he can quit smoking then I can stop overeating, or purging, or under eating.  The thing he doesn't seem to understand is that he can live without cigarettes, I can't live without food.  I can't say, like he can say, I will never eat food again, because at the end of the day, he can say, I don't need to smoke again, I will never smoke again.  He says it's not about will power- he says, "just do it, just stop doing what u do wrong and fix it, you're a smart woman."  Does that mean i'm weak?  I don't know.  I feel like I am.  I feel like I use my weight as a crutch for problems.  I won't try a stab at my singing because of my weight. When I was a kid i didn't do a lot of things because of my weight.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to be like that but I just keep getting stopped in my tracks because I'm not satisfied with myself.  I went to jenny craig and they said that for my age and height I should weigh between 111-140 pounds.  Are you kidding me?  Even when I was anorexic I weight 132.  111? seriously?  My goal weight is 145lbs.  It's not far from where I am and I feel like I could be there if I put my mind to it.  It's just the doing it.  It's all about the follow through.  I'm always in extremes.  I can't eat one bad thing without eating bad all day long.  I can't be good without wanting to not eat at all or purge.  I need to be accountable to someone.   For some reason, being accountable to myself just isn't enough.  So tomorrow is day one on jenny craig.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding pictures in 20 years and regret what I look like.  I guess being accountable to a stranger at jenny craig is the only way to keep myself honest.  I just don't want people to look up to me for health tips when I'm not doing the best for myself.  If I like being a role model for people when it comes to being healthy I guess I should be my first biggest fan.  Here's a go at it.  Yeahh me!  

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