Having a Few "Ah Ha" Moments...

I've been very reflective over the past few months.

Reflective on who I've become as a person; who I let myself become. To be honest, I was at a point where I truly hated myself. I stopped working out, I stopped eating right, and I stopped caring about anyone in my life, including myself. Nothing mattered.

Last year was really a bad year for me as a person. As a human being occupying space, I just didn't feel like I was adding anything good to the world. I just felt so much negativity around me. So many ghosts of the decisions I've made over the years. So many what ifs floating around and haunting my head. It's a scary thing when you decide to try to live a dream that seems like a huge stretch, a huge risk, a huge, "you're going to try to do whatttt?" from everyone in your life. You start to second guess yourself. You start to question your sanity. You start to say, I'm not good enough. Why am I going to risk everything for a dream? Why am I risking falling flat on my face and crawling back to my home town?

In my reflection I've realized it's worth it. Not worth the shit that got me to this decision, but this is what I have to do. I've had many late night conversations with my best friend. I've had many early morning conversations with my best friend. I've made decisions that will affect his life in a huge way. I feel so bad that I can't shake this feeling that music is what I have to do. That I'm not meant to be in this town still bar tending and watching my youth fade. He's so supportive in ways that one just wouldn't expect. He's the most encouraging person in the world. When I met him I had this dream of moving to Nashville, but I never went. Years later that dream is still haunting me and I started to resent the good life I have here. It's a hard pill to swallow when you know you have a pretty good life, but your dreams keep telling you to go for it, go for it, go for it… there's more, there's that place where you always dreamt of being.

I've been crying lately. Well, sobbing is more like it. I've been second guessing everything. All the wheels are in motion, and my countdown is on, but I'm terrified.

Is it bad that I want it all? I want a perfect life. I want to be happy at home AND happy with my job. Is it really too much to ask?

I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling determined. But I'm still beyond sad. In order to try for a dream, I have to leave another one. It's beyond heart wrecking.

My life has been pretty freaking fabulous. I've been beyond blessed. It's taken me having to reflect on this life to realize it. I'm scared of this new adventure. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm hopeful that I can have it all.

The Path Not Taken...

I'm feeling kinda crazy.

I'm going to take on this crazy, new adventure and I can't believe what I'm about to do.

Two weeks.

Holy shit.

I've been at my current job for over 8 years. A college graduate, magna cum laude, and I'm still bar-tending. Those people who say that money isn't everything, you really need to rethink that. Money makes the world go round is definitely a better saying.

I'm so anxious right now. For the first time in years, I won't have a job. To say the least, I'm terrified. I can't wait to get settled in and go job hunting. But to say I'm anything but terrified would be a lie. I know that I need to do this. I need to follow my dream. I have such an amazing support system. But that doesn't change the fact that for at least a few months I'll be in Nashville on my own.

I'm going to miss my husband. He's truly my best friend. I'm scared. I'm terrified to be without him. I know I have to do this. I know I have to try my hand at this.

There are too many musicians that I know who say that their biggest regret is that they never tried. I don't want to be saying that. Time is not on my side. But i'm still scared. This is a long shot. I'm taking a huge risk. I'm risking everything in my life that is good for a dream I've had for my entire life. Ever since I saw LeAnn Rimes perform when I was like ten or eleven. Damn her.

It was always a dream. Nothing more. I never thought i'd ever be crazy enough to try for it. I don't want to resent my life. It's a good life. But it's felt like something is missing. It's been missing music. My music. Our music.

Two weeks from today we'll be on the road to our Nashville town home. I'm freaking out. Not from excitement, but from sheer fear of the unknown. God please treat me well. I don't deserve your prayers for something so trivial, but please help me on this new path; I know I'll need some sanity in the next few months.

They say dream big. I'm following a dream that is bigger than anything I ever thought possible. Wish Amy and I luck, she'll be following suit in June. Say prayers. Help me realize this path that I never thought was possible.

Stop it Little Voice...

I hate the little voice that's always been in my head telling me I'm fat. Even when I felt great, I was still fat. At least to that little voice.

But, Holy Lord I need to go back to the gym. Because honestly, I just feel like shit. I feel lazy, I feel frumpy, I feel like I've given up.

I need to start up my running. Again.

I need to start eating right. Again.

I'm so tired of complaining. I'm so tired of the woe is me shit. But man, can't I just be one of those people? The ones that annoy the shit out of everyone and say that they can eat everything, yet still remain so svelte? Well, annoying people, I guess I'm just as annoying. At least I feel that way. But i'd rather be the skinny annoying person. I'd love to tell people my whoas of being fat, as I weigh 115 pounds. But, alas, whoa is me. I'm not.

I was so proud of myself up until about a year and a half ago. Then I decided to play the woe is me game and stop working out. I'd like to say that it was just my back surgery that stopped me from working out, but i'd be lying. I mean it was definitely a factor, a huge factor actually, but after I started my recovery, I just never really got back into the swing of things, and my life kinda got crazy so I just started feeling sorry for myself and eating my feelings. Shock. Again. As always. Granted, I know i'm not the only one in the world that does this, over and over again, but man I only know how I handle it and I handle it like shit. It takes so much for me to get my ass in gear, it's taken a really long time for me to realize just how much weight i've gained, and even when i realized it months ago, I still only half-assed an attempt at working out again.

I have a half marathon i'm supposed to do in September. Or is it October? Maybe I should get on top of that.

Damn. Stupid goals I set for myself. Well, actually that my best friend sets for me to motivate my ass. Well, at least i've got that. A really great ass.

Okay. Here goes nothing. An attempt, yet again to motivate myself to work it. And work it hard.

I've been attempting to eat better for the past month or so. It's been going, okkkk. Not perfect, but not total shit either. Ok, it's a start right? Right?!

A really great person told me not to be hard on myself. It's hard not to, but she's right. It's amazing how we forget how much hard work really does pay off. It's amazing that I thought I was huge in these pictures, yet I felt more confident than I ever did.

I remember this girl. I remember my fabulous belly button ring. About time I feel proud and put that shiny thing back in there.

Here goes nothing. Again.

So Why Pearls & Poison...

In this world there are very few things that I love more than writing.

I'm not the best writer. I don't even write everyday. I'm not the most observant of grammar. I have never really cared. It has always been about the feeling. The ability to put what I need to say down on paper. Down somewhere. Let's be honest, sometimes my iPhone is a lot more handy than a pen and pad. But it has to go somewhere so it can get out of my head and stop haunting me in the middle of the night or in the middle of conversations. Words. Ideas. Melodies. Just the flow of something that I feel needs to be said. Something that hasn't been said the way that I need to say it.

There are so many songs about love. There are so many songs about heartache. But they aren't my songs. They aren't the words that keep me up at night. They aren't my feelings. They aren't my observations.

But this is what scares me. When people see my words, i'm afraid that they automatically feel that it's MY life i'm writing about. Well, in a way it is. But they're not always verbatim. I do have a creative mind. I do elaborate. I do put more into my words than just my personal feelings or just my observations. Please, don't feel sorry for me when you read my words. Feel happy for me that I was able to put them on to paper to make you feel that sorrow. To make you say, "that made me want to cry" or "Oh my God Dana, did that really happen?" 

People ask us constantly, well, men ask us constantly, "so, which one is pearls and which one is poison?" — my answer, neither and both. We write love songs. We write breakup songs. The ups, the downs, the joy and the heartache. That's what Pearls & Poison is about. That's what it means. We write about that moment when the gifts come, when everything is perfect and then we write about when it all falls apart in one way or another. There's always that moment in every relationship when you just wish the other person would just disappear; even just for a second. That's the poison. It's either that thought that crosses your mind, or that moment when you want to just scream for that person to just have never stepped foot into your life. It's the craziness between the two extremes. The love and the hate. The pearls and the poison.

I love writing. It keeps me sane. It's my outlet. But it's not my life to a tee. I do kinda consider myself creative. My husband gets mad sometimes when a song comes. He's never understood the writing part. To him they're just words on a page. He doesn't understand. When I listen to a song, I only hear the words. The music part comes later for me. The words are what pull me in. People relate. They know that not everything can always be flowers, hearts, and roses. The shit happens, and if no one else will write about it, I damn well will.

So please don't feel sorry for me when you hear our songs. It's my therapy. It's my ability to see how your relationships are going too. So, if you find me watching your interactions one day, or counting on my fingers as I have a pen in hand or my iPhone, there's probably a song being written, and it might just be about you, not me. There's no better feeling than when it just clicks. I'm so glad that I can make you feel emotional. I hope I always can.

I Think I Can, I Think I Can...

Well, 2013 good riddance!

I'm kinda excited that you're almost over. Not gonna lie, you weren't the best year, not the worst either, but definitely not the best. Maybe it's because I'm getting cynical in my old age, but I keep on looking back on my life and thinking about which years were the best. Well, 2013 you were almost the worst. I'd say 2003 beats ya, maybe even 2005, but hell, that was ten years ago, and I was still a kid! So in my adult-ish life, you sucked more than most years.

This has been by far my laziest year on record. I think I hit the gym til about March and then crapped out. I'd pick it up here and there, but mostly I just was a lazy ass and my ass shows it.

I felt very unfulfilled at most things this year. I love the people I work with, but I think I've reached the age to safely say that bar tending is just not the fun that it used to be. It's always been nice to walk away with cash in hand at the end of the night, but I must say that I'd trade it for a normal routine in a heartbeat. I wish I realized that in 2010. Dinner at home, at my unused dining room table would be really kinda awesome. Poor, beautiful, table. At least it's used for collecting mail.

I'd have to say that by far, 2013 was the best year for my music. So, 2013 you do have some redeeming qualities. We got to play at the Bluebird, and we've successfully played a bunch of gigs in our hometown area. Plus our demo is almost done, but i'll push that to 2014 for the true excitement, seeing that I don't have it in my hands yet.

This is my last New Year's Eve working at my bar. It's kinda bittersweet. I've never been a big NYE person, everyone knows that, but there's definitely something about it that feels like a true ending. You can start new at the stroke of midnight. And that's what this year is all about—I've got some big promises to fill this year. I'm not good at keeping promises, so I try not to make them, and I hate when other people do, but I'm going to keep this promise and try like hell to make the most of our music this year. I'm going to work my ass off. And hopefully in doing so, some of my ass comes off in the process! Double score!

So, goodbye 2013.

Hello 2014. Nice to meet you. Please treat me well.

So Amazing…

Friday night was just incredible.

It was incredibly humbling and I felt so blessed.

Every once in awhile when you feel alone, that people think you're crazy, and that no one believes in your big dreams, God shows you that you are completely wrong in thinking so.

Friday we played at the bar that I've been bar tending at for 8 years. Most people who frequent the place know that I have big dreams to be a singer/songwriter, but some still haven't heard me sing. Between karaoke and jumping in on a Patsy Cline song with one of our regular musicians, you'd think that almost everyone has heard me by now, but they haven't! So, when I booked our gig at my home bar I still really wasn't expecting everyone to come out. You know how it is when everyone promises to come and see you play; that they wouldn't miss it for the world, but then, no one shows up, well that was exactly what I was expecting. I was so wrong!

The night started off with just a few family members and then more family members. We were happy to see that, but then about two songs in, it happened! The place started getting packed! Call it good timing with the holiday season or call it good promotion on my part, but man I couldn't believe it. Six o'clock on a Friday night and there was standing room only and a wait list at the door. Everyone was asking the hostess if they could be seated where they could see the band. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was unbelievable and the best feeling in the world. Talk about feeling famous in a small-town!

I Could Never Get Enough...

My pups are the cutest thing ever, right?! 

They make mommy and daddy so proud. They are the greatest gift ever. Not only do they add so much joy to our lives, but they helped make us feel more and more like a family, even without human little ones running all around. We always promised ourselves that we wouldn't call each other mommy or daddy to our dogs, but it took us only about a week of having Luna in our lives that we slipped up. I can't believe she's going to be four this year and Stella will be two. The time has just flown by. They give us so much love. These babies are just as loved as any kid could be.