Friday, January 10, 2014

Having a Few "Ah Ha" Moments...

I've been very reflective over the past few months.

Reflective on who I've become as a person; who I let myself become. To be honest, I was at a point where I truly hated myself. I stopped working out, I stopped eating right, and I stopped caring about anyone in my life, including myself. Nothing mattered.

Last year was really a bad year for me as a person. As a human being occupying space, I just didn't feel like I was adding anything good to the world. I just felt so much negativity around me. So many ghosts of the decisions I've made over the years. So many what ifs floating around and haunting my head. It's a scary thing when you decide to try to live a dream that seems like a huge stretch, a huge risk, a huge, "you're going to try to do whatttt?" from everyone in your life. You start to second guess yourself. You start to question your sanity. You start to say, I'm not good enough. Why am I going to risk everything for a dream? Why am I risking falling flat on my face and crawling back to my home town?

In my reflection I've realized it's worth it. Not worth the shit that got me to this decision, but this is what I have to do. I've had many late night conversations with my best friend. I've had many early morning conversations with my best friend. I've made decisions that will affect his life in a huge way. I feel so bad that I can't shake this feeling that music is what I have to do. That I'm not meant to be in this town still bar tending and watching my youth fade. He's so supportive in ways that one just wouldn't expect. He's the most encouraging person in the world. When I met him I had this dream of moving to Nashville, but I never went. Years later that dream is still haunting me and I started to resent the good life I have here. It's a hard pill to swallow when you know you have a pretty good life, but your dreams keep telling you to go for it, go for it, go for it… there's more, there's that place where you always dreamt of being.

I've been crying lately. Well, sobbing is more like it. I've been second guessing everything. All the wheels are in motion, and my countdown is on, but I'm terrified.

Is it bad that I want it all? I want a perfect life. I want to be happy at home AND happy with my job. Is it really too much to ask?

I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling determined. But I'm still beyond sad. In order to try for a dream, I have to leave another one. It's beyond heart wrecking.

My life has been pretty freaking fabulous. I've been beyond blessed. It's taken me having to reflect on this life to realize it. I'm scared of this new adventure. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm hopeful that I can have it all.

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