Oh the Humanity!!!

Another session with Jen Murphy and another day of feeling like I'm the most out of shape person in the world.  Things are getting so much easier to do, but that's in comparison to barely being able to do anything with ease that she put forth.  My back hurts really bad.  My arms are going to be too sore tomorrow to wash my hair.  And my appetite after these workouts is out of control!  It's such a struggle to not want to eat everything that I possibly can when I get home.  It helps when the hubby is home because I'm more in control when he's around.  He's like my food angel.  He sits on my shoulder watching me (he doesn't actually watch me, but when he's around, I tend to be in more control of the situation).  I had some organic peanut butter with some concord grape jelly, on a spoon... yea that's right, on a spoon because I refuse to make a meal out of it.  I just needed something that was off of my Jenny Craig plan and peanut butter, to me, is like what chocolate is for other people.  It was heavenly.  I'm working tonight and as always I'll struggle to not graze on the croutons that sit out waiting for me to eat them.  That's my goal for tonight: no croutons.  I'm in so much pain right now, so I should make it work for me... I'll skip the croutons.... 

By the way, I hate Jen Murphy...

Exhausted but it Feels So Good!

It's another rainy day in New York but thankfully my friend Trish and I were able to get a nice 5 mile walk in before it started to downpour.  It felt good.  I felt energized.  I'm feeling like everyday that I wake up, I decide that it will be a day that I will conquer.  I've been eating really well and my exercise is definitely on track.  It felt nice to walk for 2 hours and not feel like the end just wasn't coming fast enough.  When I first started walking that's what it felt like.  The moment I started, I wanted it over with.  I always wondered how much longer it was going to be before I could just sit back down and get to my second favorite past time: being a couch potato.  Now I honestly feel motivated.  I'm down 8 lbs since I've started this new plan: exercising and eating right at the same time (what a concept!) I'm loving it.  I love feeling like this weight struggle isn't going to beat me; I refuse to struggle with this anymore!  I refuse to be the girl with the pretty face who could lose a few pounds.  

The walk was nice.  I got to spend time with one of my best friends and I got a great workout in.  We came home, sat on my front porch drinking water and watching the rain.  It was a perfect day.  I love the smell of the rain and I love the feel of it.  I'm just hoping it can hold off until the nights so I can at least keep getting my workouts in.  Tomorrow is my first session with Nykki and Jen Murphy.  Can't wait to be in more pain!  Lovin it, Lovin it... 

Feeling Good and Starting to Believe it...

So another day with Jen Murphy.  Another day of feeling like the most out of shape person that ever lived!  But towards the end of the session I was able to do things that I couldn't last week.  Jen was proud.  I was proud.  I moved through the session pretty well.  Granted I won't be able to wash my hair tomorrow because of the pain my arms and shoulders will be in, but I'm loving it.  I'm going to start meeting with her twice a week: one session with Lori and the other with Nykki.  It's great because I'm getting twice the training for the price I would pay for one session on my own.  It's great motivation.

Another great motivator is my hubby.  The other day, as we were folding and putting away laundry, I caught him staring at me.  When I asked him why, he said, "everyday you get more and more beautiful.  The older you get the more beautiful you are.  You're becoming such a beautiful woman..."  He killed me with that!  He makes me feel so beautiful everyday, but hearing words like that just made me melt over and over again.  I'm a lucky woman.

As for my diet it's also going really well.  When I was up at my moms doing wedding invites and going through her hope chest (which is being passed down to me and will soon be refinished) I didn't eat anything that would trip me up.  My step father has always been a huge junk food junkie and being up at my mom's house is usually torture.  Instead I had a few pretzels, an apple, a banana, some strawberries and a fat free sugar free pudding.  Yea it's a lot but I was up there for hours and it beats eating badly.  I just got home about an hour ago and came up with a delicious way to eat my daily veggies.  Try it, it might sound crazy but it's so tasty:  Take some tomato, green pepper (or any veggie) and place them on a baking sheet with tin foil on it.  Put your oven on broil and then use some wish bone honey mustard spray (the spray dressings) and then put some parm cheese on the top.  Pop in the oven for about 5 minutes or until the cheese browns.  It's a nice quick and healthy veggie snack that beats having a salad every day.  Enjoy!  I'm stuffed from it and can't wait to get some fresh veggies to try again.  Maybe I can get the hubby to eat it too, but it would have to be made with green beans, he hates tomatoes and peppers. I think I'm becoming a housewife, and I love it... how did this happen?! 

Rough Week but It's Getting Better...

So everything seems to be looking good with my mom.  The surgery was successful and the doctors are optimistic that the cancer hasn't spread.  To say the least, I feel so relieved.  I feel so grateful and hope that the doctors are right and my mom's test results come back negative.  Please remember her in your prayers. 

As to my workout week... it's been an interesting one.  I haven't worked out much since my Jen Murphy session last week.  But I have been trying to remain active.  I walked when I was at the hospital with my mother and I have continued to do the criss cross sit ups that Jen has recommended.  Surprisingly, when I went to Jenny Craig yesterday I still lost .6 lbs.  A little over half a pound isn't bad, especially with barely working out and not eating according to the plan.  And it's that time of the month, so I'm a little bloated.  Honestly, I was expecting to gain weight, but to my surprise I still lost, even if it was only a little.  Hey, a little is better than nothing at all, or gaining!  So I'm actually thrilled with my .6 lbs and it's honestly made my week a little better.  I'm pretty much on cloud nine over it.  When I was getting dressed yesterday I went in to show my hubby the progress and he can't believe how flat my stomach is looking.  I can't either!  It's just strange to me because I haven't lost that much weight in the 3 weeks I've been seeing Jen and Jenny Craig.  In total it's 5 lbs.  But my body is changing like crazy.  At least I think it is.  I think I always get discouraged and give up easily because I don't SEE the changes, hopefully this is what I need: to do the eating plan and to see a trainer, maybe that will be what will keep me on track.  I've always done one or the other.  I'm either eating great and doing no exercise or I'm exercising and eating like what I put in my mouth doesn't matter.  I'm changing everyday.  Maybe this is the grown up me looking at weight loss.  I'm not freaking out about losing .6lbs like I would have before.  I'm rejoicing over it.  Hopefully with my optimism this week will be even better...

How to NOT Emotionally Eat!

I've always been an emotional eater.  I was when I was young, and I still struggle with it at 25.  Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room at St. Peter's hospital in Albany, trying to pass some time while my mother is in surgery to remove her womanly parts.  I haven't slept in over 24 hours and all I want to do is cry for my mom, cry for my aunt, and cry for myself.  I've pretty much come to the conclusion that with two female relatives having cancer in my family, it is almost inevitable for me to face the same struggles when I'm in my fifties.  My aunt passed away almost exactly a month ago after a 9 year struggle with breast cancer and now my mom has ovarian.  It's so strange to me.  I always remember as a child that my mom and my aunt would go for walks, eat salads, and fruit salads.  They never wanted to face the same fate that my grandmother held, which was morbid obesity.  Yet, my grandmother passed away at 71- years old and my aunt passed at 61.  My mom is 54, going on 55.  My aunt was diagnosed over 9 1/2 years ago with cancer and fought the most courageous battle.  I couldn't have been more proud of her and I hope she knew that.  We were such a close family when I was younger and I cherish those memories and I only hope that my cousins and I still remain close through the years when we have children and start growing older.  I just think to myself, my mom is 54.  She's so young and my family was hit so hard with cancer-  In the same week we found out of my aunt's sure passing and my mom's diagnosis.  It's been a hard month.  So here I am in the waiting room in Albany and all I want to do is cry.  My mom said to me this morning when I called her to see what time we were meeting for the drive up, that I need to watch myself and make sure I go to the doctor once I have insurance.  It's sad that my mother has to worry about me at 25 - it's sad that she has to worry about me having this damn disease one day.  Cancer- I hate you!  I hate you for putting my family through hell and I hate you for looming around me.  I hate that my mom cries because she no longer has a sister.  I hate that my family has done everything that they're "supposed to do" to take care of themselves and yet this disease still has it's dirty little head involved in all of our lives.  One thinks to themselves, "i'll eat right, i'll exercise, no one says I have to be perfect, but I'll do what I need to do to take care of myself."  And yet it doesn't really matter in the end does it?  My grama didn't take care of herself a day in her life.  She went to weight watchers meetings and then went out to dinner afterwards with her "friends."  She was a sad woman most of the time.  Food didn't make her happy but it helped her mask all the pain she was really in.  Food was the thing she lived for.  Any excuse to eat was an excuse for her to feel happy.  It wasn't the food, it was the companionship.  (A lady just walked around with a basket of food- I took a graham cracker- I didn't reach for the cookie)  So here I am, in a waiting room, staring at a number on a screen that represents my mom- I'm waiting for my moms fate.  Has the cancer spread?  Did they catch it quick enough?  All these questions are running through my mind, yet the person I want to talk to and cry with is lying in the OR, the other is at home laying in bed.  I'm not good with emotions.  I wear them on my sleeve.  I always have.  I want to ball right now, but I know God is listening and this collossal joke that is cancer will not rear its ugly head in our lives anymore.  Are you there God? it's me Dana.  And I'm tired of crying over my weight.  I'm tired of trying to take care of myself if this is all pointless.  So if, in your infinite wisdom you decide to take my mom from me, or you decide to take me from my mom, let me know now.  I'm tired of fighting and struggling to get this thing under control if it's just not worth it.  For years my aunt and my mom walked, they ate salad, they ate fruit and they took care of their families.  They did what I'm doing now.  So let me know, is it worth the effort?  Cuz right about now, I want to grab a cookie...

I Hate Jen Murphy! ok ok I love her...

I'm in so much pain.  Our training session with Jen Murphy just ended a little over an hour ago and I'm already in so much pain.  Now we've been working out for awhile, Lori and I, and I didn't think I could be in more pain than I have been after our sessions, but man was I wrong!  I've never hurt right after working out, normally it takes a day or two.  Planks, roll ups, criss crosses, everything we did kicked my ass.  I love this pain but man I hate it just the same.  Give props to Jen Murphy, she definitely knows what she's doing.  I'm a huge fan of hers, become one too... www.jenmurphyfitness.com

Now is it just me or do you always look fatter than you think you are once you're working out in front of mirrors?! 

Everything hurts...

Everything, I mean everything on my body hurts today.  After the first workout session with Jen Murphy and then working out yesterday with Lori at the gym (Nykki overslept), I feel like every inch of me hurts.  But I love it, it's the best kind of pain.  I love knowing that I'm actually doing something that makes me happy.  I will always continue to struggle with this, but I feel like for the first time I'm actually doing both things that I need to do to lose weight: working out and eating right.  I've never done both things at one time.  It's usually my eating that's on track but then I lay on the couch and continue to be a couch potato, which kind of defeats the purpose of eating right.  No matter how good you eat, the weight doesn't come off because the body just isn't getting what it needs.  I just wish that the rainy summer days would end here in New York.  I can't believe that it's actually June because all I've seen in the past month since school has been out is cloudy skies.  I want to go out for walks and runs and just enjoy what the sunshine brings.  It's definitely uplifting, but I guess I'll just have to wait.  Until then I'm doing what I need to do inside.  Today is just a pilates day and a criss-cross sit ups day (Jen says that doing 50 criss-cross sit ups is what will lead to an even more tone stomach) so I'm pushing through the pain of the last few days and moving my ass at least a little.  A little change leads to bigger ones over time... The sky may be cloudy but my outlook on life is just all sunshiny :)

First Workout Session...

So I had my first workout session with Jen Murphy today.  And I loved it.  Lori loved it too.  Jen is so honest and understanding.  She's not worried about the number on the scale- something people have been telling me to do for years but no matter what, if you're a "recovering" anorexic/bulemic/binger then you are always worried about the number on the scale.  I told her that my ultimate goal is to lose 25lbs.  I guess that was me being really honest with myself.  Sometimes it's only 15lbs but in my perfect world it really would be 25.  We mostly talked about goals and body percentages (mine is 26, i guess i should be 24 to be "normal" although i'm not sure normal will ever be achieved with me).  I just can't wait to really get started with training.  Jen says that 25lbs should be easy by the wedding date of September 21st.  We shall see.  Everyone says it's easy to lose weight, but I think only people who aren't trying to lose it are the ones that say it.  It's a struggle everyday.  I'm always struggling with this.  I just wish there was a point where this all got easier.  I wish there was a day that I didn't think about binge eating.  I wish there was a day that I didn't think about throwing up my food.  I wish there was a day that I didn't step on the scale.  I wish there was a day that I didn't look in the mirror and lift up my shirt to look at my stomach at least 20 times.  I want there to be a day that I wake up motivated to work out, motivated to eat right, and motivated to stick to my goals.  Not that there aren't days that I do this, but I'm looking for it to happen day after day, year after year.  I'm looking to not think about every move I make and every morsel I eat.  I guess I'm looking to feel what people call "normal"... maybe it will happen.  Every time 11:11 hits I make that wish.   One day it might work.

Tomorrow I'm working out with Lori and Nykki (my fellow bartender)... I can't wait.  I love have partners in this... 

Loving Pilates

I'm back to doing my windsor pilates dvds and i'm starting to love them again.  I know the dvds are right when they say "who doesn't have 20 minutes a day?" I know I have 20 minutes a day to do pilates.  It's really the least I can do on my days that I work.  I should do pilates to tone up my stomach on days that I can't get to the gym or I can't go for a walk or jog.  I've been getting back into doing this, I can do something at least once a day to keep me on track.  

Lori and I are heading to Jen Murphy tomorrow for our first training session with her.  I'm really excited.  I love learning new things from trainers.  Hopefully we'll have a great session and I'll be really hurting on Thursday.  My fellow bartender and I are going to work out this summer too and hopefully get to some early morning classes with jen murphy.  I can't wait. I love having partners in crime when it comes to weight loss.  I'm feeling motivated. 

My new kicks and old memories

I've got new running shoes.  Asics 2140 and so far I love them.  They've also got a 15 day return policy if I end up not liking them (this is from the store Finishline). One of my best friends is a physical therapist and so I asked her for her recommendation for new shoes.  I've got an alignment problem that I've had since I was a kid.  It affects my hips, my knees, and my ankles.  I'm pigeon toed from it, which sucks but I've kind of accepted it.  It was worse when I was a kid so I kinda don't think about it anymore, it's just the way I walk.  My hubby mentioned something about how he hates  how people sometimes look at the way I walk and he gets defensive (he told me this on vacation).  He meant it as he gets protective of me, but I never realized that it affected him at all.  I don't think about it, so I guess I think no one does.  I remember one of the first times I met my mother-in-law and she asked if I was bow legged.  That crushed me, but I haven't really thought about it since my hubby mentioned it.  Now I've been a little paranoid about it, so I've been asking my friend on how to help it.  Seems like there's nothing I can do but keep training and toning my body.  Another reason to work out and lose weight added to my list.   

   

Some Pictures From Aruba...

                                                                    My Hubby and I 
                                                              Me and My Cowboy Hat 
                                                  Yea, it's Dessert- It's My 25th Birthday 
                                                      My Bikini Body- I'm Working on it
                                                                 Aruba- Isn't it Beautiful?

Back into the Swing...

It's been a hectic month or so... finals and family aren't exactly the best combination.  Yet finals are over and hopefully the sadness that's been going on with my family is winding down, even though I'm expecting more drama soon.  Deaths in a family are so hard to handle, and it doesn't help with losing weight either!  Everyone brings food and everyone wants to comfort you.  Why is that?  Why do food and comfort go hand in hand?  Ever since I was a little kid I was given "comfort food."  Whether I was good or whether I was bad I went to food for comfort.  Maybe it's because when I was good I was given food as a treat and then if I was bad I wanted to sneak food in order to feel better about myself.  I guess it never fails when there's a funeral that food will be given, but I think I made it through pretty well.  After the drama of sicknesses in the family and deaths, my hubby and I finally went on our vacation to Aruba.  I have to say, I was not looking forward to being in a bikini, but I have to admit, I like the shape that my body has taken more and more.  I haven't lost the weight yet that I want to lose, but i've toned up a lot and my shape is starting to, well, take shape.  But I still want to lose weight before the wedding.  I feel like i'm like the poster child for failed diet attempts.  I can't get on a steady track with anything.  I love my bodybugg but it's really not conducive to wearing summer clothes.  I don't want to be in a tank top or short sleeved shirt wearing my bodybugg.  It's just not going to happen.  So here I am again, going back to square one I feel like.  I'm going back on Jenny Craig.  This is the thing, I know it works for me. I've used it before and stayed with it and lost weight.  Then I started feeling cocky thinking I could do it on my own.  I've read every diet book, every magazine, every news clip on what to eat and how to eat and when to eat.  How could I not lose weight on my own?! Well, let's face it, I can maintain on my own but I can't lose, unless i'm starving myself or sticking my finger down my throat.  The hubby hates when I say I can't do something, but I just can't.  He says if he can quit smoking then I can stop overeating, or purging, or under eating.  The thing he doesn't seem to understand is that he can live without cigarettes, I can't live without food.  I can't say, like he can say, I will never eat food again, because at the end of the day, he can say, I don't need to smoke again, I will never smoke again.  He says it's not about will power- he says, "just do it, just stop doing what u do wrong and fix it, you're a smart woman."  Does that mean i'm weak?  I don't know.  I feel like I am.  I feel like I use my weight as a crutch for problems.  I won't try a stab at my singing because of my weight. When I was a kid i didn't do a lot of things because of my weight.  I don't want to do that.  I don't want to be like that but I just keep getting stopped in my tracks because I'm not satisfied with myself.  I went to jenny craig and they said that for my age and height I should weigh between 111-140 pounds.  Are you kidding me?  Even when I was anorexic I weight 132.  111? seriously?  My goal weight is 145lbs.  It's not far from where I am and I feel like I could be there if I put my mind to it.  It's just the doing it.  It's all about the follow through.  I'm always in extremes.  I can't eat one bad thing without eating bad all day long.  I can't be good without wanting to not eat at all or purge.  I need to be accountable to someone.   For some reason, being accountable to myself just isn't enough.  So tomorrow is day one on jenny craig.  I just don't want to look back on my wedding pictures in 20 years and regret what I look like.  I guess being accountable to a stranger at jenny craig is the only way to keep myself honest.  I just don't want people to look up to me for health tips when I'm not doing the best for myself.  If I like being a role model for people when it comes to being healthy I guess I should be my first biggest fan.  Here's a go at it.  Yeahh me!