I'm turning 25 on May 23rd. I've had a lot of ups and downs in life, mostly when it comes to my weight. At my highest weight I weighed 192lbs at the age of 15. At the age of 16 I weighed 129lbs. To say that my weight loss at the time was healthy would be a lie. I did everything in my power to lose that weight and it's been my struggle ever since to try to keep it off. I did everything from taking ephedra, to drinking kool-aid all day, to taking epicac to get sick when I did eat. I will not do that again. My senior year of high school was filled with days of me laying at home in bed because I couldn't get up without feeling like I was going to pass out. I will not do that again. I gained a lot of weight back when I moved down to Manhattan in 2004. I could only afford to eat cereal, ramen, tuna, and chips- I was back up to 189lbs and I worked at a gym, how funny is that. Then I moved back home and started bartending. I was moving around and I wasn't getting advice everyday from every trainer under the sun on how to lose weight. I knew I was fat, but I knew I had to do it on my time, or else I'd do it for everyone else and do it unhealthy again. I will not do that again.
When I met the man of my dreams in 2006, I wanted to do better. I wanted to be better for myself and I wanted to care about what I looked like. My "husband" is beautiful. He's 37 years old and looks like he's 29. He's sexy and I couldn't ask for a better man. He treats me like his princess. To say the least, I'm a lucky woman. As cheesy as it sounds I'd love to be his trophy wife. I'm 13 years younger than him so I damn well should be. I know it sounds like I'm not a feminist, but I really am. I love being an independent woman, but I also love knowing that my "husband" couldn't ask for a better woman to be on his arm. I do everything from work, to go to school, to cleaning, to cooking... I want to manage it all, I want to be it all; not for him, but for me. I have this image of a 1950's housewife that I know is inside of me, only I'm better. I not only take care of my man, but I take care of myself before anything else, and I work my ass off while doing it. I lost a lot of weight and I've kept it off for the past 2 years. But with my past ups and downs, it's just never enough. I'm never happy. Right now I weigh *cough 152.* I can't believe I put that down, but it is what it is. I'm a size 10 and I want to be a size 6 again. I was happy then, at least in my mind I remember myself being happy at that point. I have these size 6 A&F yellow shorts that I dream about fitting into again. I'm not even sure if I like them, but in my mind those are my mental goal that I need to be in to. But I want to be healthy, I don't ever want to act like a child again and starve myself to get what I want.
Right now I'm using this thing called a "bodybugg" that I saw on the biggest loser. It keeps track of how many calories I burn, while I keep track of how many calories I eat. The whole concept is that I have to burn more calories than I consume. It seems easy enough. But I've been using this damn thing for 5 weeks and I've only lost 2lbs. I can't take it! I want it off and I want it off now! I wish it could be that easy. One day I'd like to have a child, but I don't think I could do it while I obsess over my weight like I do. I couldn't let myself gain all that weight without feeling like I was losing my mind. So i want to be "there." I want to be in a place with my weight where I feel like I'm in control so one day I'll be able to not think about every morsel that I put in my mouth without then thinking how I can burn it off or get rid of it. I promised my "husband" that I would never allow myself to get to a place where I would stop eating or start purging. I will never be there again. I'm going to do this the healthy way, even if it takes me all the way to my 25th birthday to do it.
So I want to lose 20lbs. But I also want to save money so we can go on a nice tropical vacation in the spring. But this time I want to be in a bikini and take tons of pictures of how sexy the two of us look. I don't want to feel like I need to cover up or that he isn't proud of me for one second. We just bought a house together this past July, so we've cut back on the vacations, but I'm determined to save enough money to be able to go away again... this time to Aruba!
I love my life right now. I never knew that life could be this good. I have the best "husband" in the world. I have a beautiful house. I have a job that I enjoy. And I'm almost done with my college education. I am a lucky woman. I just want to believe in myself and I want to look at myself in the mirror and know that he's a lucky man as well. I have a passion for writing, I have a passion for music, and I have a passion for the love of my life... I just want to believe in myself and know that I'm going to get "there" someday. This is my journey to my 25th birthday.
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