Tuesday, November 11, 2008

First... What the hell it's my day "off"

My life is busy, to say the least.  I'm a full time bartender, a full time journalism student, a full time house "wife" and a part time couch potato/exercise enthusiast.  I wear a lot of hats, but a part of me wouldn't want it any other way.  I've had a lot of time in my life where I didn't have enough to do, so too much to do is a nice change of pace.  But this change of pace has been for the past 3 years, and to say the least, most of the time I'm just exhausted.  I'm a night owl and if I don't have 8 hours of sleep, I'm also a bitch.  Sometimes I just wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done.  I love writing, I love reading, and most of the time I can't do it for enjoyment because I'm doing it for classwork, but it's still my love.  

I'm turning 25 on May 23rd.  I've had a lot of ups and downs in life, mostly when it comes to my weight.  At my highest weight I weighed 192lbs at the age of 15.  At the age of 16 I weighed 129lbs.  To say that my weight loss at the time was healthy would be a lie.  I did everything in my power to lose that weight and it's been my struggle ever since to try to keep it off.  I did everything from taking ephedra, to drinking kool-aid all day, to taking epicac to get sick when I did eat.  I will not do that again.  My senior year of high school was filled with days of me laying at home in bed because I couldn't get up without feeling like I was going to pass out.  I will not do that again.  I gained a lot of weight back when I moved down to Manhattan in 2004.  I could only afford to eat cereal, ramen, tuna, and chips- I was back up to 189lbs and I worked at a gym, how funny is that.  Then I moved back home and started bartending.  I was moving around and I wasn't getting advice everyday from every trainer under the sun on how to lose weight.  I knew I was fat, but I knew I had to do it on my time, or else I'd do it for everyone else and do it unhealthy again.  I will not do that again.  

When I met the man of my dreams in 2006, I wanted to do better.  I wanted to be better for myself and I wanted to care about what I looked like.  My "husband" is beautiful.  He's 37 years old and looks like he's 29.  He's sexy and I couldn't ask for a better man.  He treats me like his princess.  To say the least, I'm a lucky woman.  As cheesy as it sounds I'd love to be his trophy wife.  I'm 13 years younger than him so I damn well should be.  I know it sounds like I'm not a feminist, but I really am.  I love being an independent woman, but I also love knowing that my "husband" couldn't ask for a better woman to be on his arm.  I do everything from work, to go to school, to cleaning, to cooking... I want to manage it all, I want to be it all; not for him, but for me.  I have this image of a 1950's housewife that I know is inside of me, only I'm better.  I not only take care of my man, but I take care of myself before anything else, and I work my ass off while doing it.  I lost a lot of weight and I've kept it off for the past 2 years.  But with my past ups and downs, it's just never enough. I'm never happy.  Right now I weigh *cough 152.*  I can't believe I put that down, but it is what it is.  I'm a size 10 and I want to be a size 6 again.  I was happy then, at least in my mind I remember myself being happy at that point.  I have these size 6 A&F yellow shorts that I dream about fitting into again.  I'm not even sure if I like them, but in my mind those are my mental goal that I need to be in to.  But I want to be healthy, I don't ever want to act like a child again and starve myself to get what I want.

Right now I'm using this thing called a "bodybugg" that I saw on the biggest loser.  It keeps track of how many calories I burn, while I keep track of how many calories I eat.  The whole concept is that I have to burn more calories than I consume.  It seems easy enough.  But I've been using this damn thing for 5 weeks and I've only lost 2lbs.  I can't take it!  I want it off and I want it off now!  I wish it could be that easy.  One day I'd like to have a child, but I don't think I could do it while I obsess over my weight like I do.  I couldn't let myself gain all that weight without feeling like I was losing my mind.  So i want to be "there."  I want to be in a place with my weight where I feel like I'm in control so one day I'll be able to not think about every morsel that I put in my mouth without then thinking how I can burn it off or get rid of it.  I promised my "husband" that I would never allow myself to get to a place where I would stop eating or start purging.  I will never be there again.  I'm going to do this the healthy way, even if it takes me all the way to my 25th birthday to do it.  

So I want to lose 20lbs.  But I also want to save money so we can go on a nice tropical vacation in the spring.  But this time I want to be in a bikini and take tons of pictures of how sexy the two of us look.  I don't want to feel like I need to cover up or that he isn't proud of me for one second.  We just bought a house together this past July, so we've cut back on the vacations, but I'm determined to save enough money to be able to go away again... this time to Aruba!  

I love my life right now.  I never knew that life could be this good.  I have the best "husband" in the world.  I have a beautiful house.  I have a job that I enjoy.  And I'm almost done with my college education.  I am a lucky woman.  I just want to believe in myself and I want to look at myself in the mirror and know that he's a lucky man as well.  I have a passion for writing, I have a passion for music, and I have a passion for the love of my life... I just want to believe in myself and know that I'm going to get "there" someday.  This is my journey to my 25th birthday.  

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