Friday, November 14, 2008

Almost done...

Thursdays for me feel like the longest day of the week.  I get up at 10am and I'm in classes until 10 at night.  It's just exhausting.  I think that's a recurring theme in my life; just exhausted.  The sad part is I feel like I'm doing so much, but so little really gets done.  At least when it comes to what I really want to do.  I've been writing papers and listening to lectures for so long.  I'm so glad I took time out from college to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, but I just want to be "there" already.  I'm tired of writing papers that are just handed in for a grade; I want to do fieldwork, I want to be out there in the thick of things, but until then I have one more semester of classes and then an internship.  Hopefully I won't just be getting people coffee.  Hopefully I'll actually get some experience.  I just love writing.  I guess everyone has there thing in life; I guess mine is just venting through either a pen and notebook or my mac.  I don't know where I'd be without it sometimes; probably the psych ward.  I don't know how people get through life without venting somehow.  For me it's not really a good cry, but a good sit down with myself and the words that come out of my head.  

I've been writing in one way or another from the time I was 8 (obviously earlier for school, but for fun it started at 8).  I guess that really does make me a big dork, but I was never really good at anything else.  I wasn't athletic.  I wasn't the drama queen.  I wasn't the cheerleader.  But I've always loved to write and to sing.  I knew when it came to singing I would always have an uphill battle.  I really don't know many singers, other than opera singers, who could be successful and fat.  And I always fought the idea of being that big, so putting a big ball gown and horns on me wouldn't of been the look I was going for. Plus, I have this big stage fright that I could never seem to shake.  And everyone around me was so good at hamming it up for anytime on the stage and I just never got it.  I never got how people could let themselves be so vulnerable in front of everyone.  I guess for me I always loved to sing, but my fear of being ridiculed or not accepted by people overtook that love.  I remember my grama always telling me to sing louder because people couldn't hear how good I was unless I was louder.  I loved my grama more than anything and she's my inspiration for everything I do in life.  The first time I ever really sang in front of people was at her funeral.  Her favorite song was "Amazing Grace" and I sang that it for her.  I knew she heard me.  I remember people being shocked on that day that it was me singing.  No one knew I could sing "like that" but my grama knew.  She always knew.  I've finally pushed myself to sing in front of people.  Granted it's for karaoke at my bar, but it still makes me smile because I know she helps me stand in front of people when all I want to do is run out the door screaming.  Maybe one day i'll take it further.  I always promised her that I would at least try.  But I know if I can't be the one singing the songs, hopefully I'll be the one writing them.  She'll hear me sing the songs.  I know she still hears me.

Why all these memories?  Today I watched the movie "Young at Heart" in my arts criticism class and I couldn't help but think about my grama.  I couldn't help but picture my grama with her amazing voice singing those songs and bringing the house down.  I remember her singing in church and being so proud of her.  So proud to know that voice could come out of me one day.  These old people were an inspiration.  I couldn't help but get teary eyed.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "if these people can do it, why can't you?"  Hopefully it won't take me until I'm 80 to get my ass out there and stop being so scared.  I'm not the best singer in the world; I know i'm not Mariah Carey or Martina McBride.  But I have a love for country music and I have a love for the songs I've been writing for the past 10 years.  One day I want the world to hear them, even if they're not coming out of my mouth.  I just wish I could get paid to sit in a studio all day and try to figure out the next hook and the next chorus.  I wish life would just stop for awhile while I try to figure out how to make money and do what I love.  Will someone just pay me to lay on a beach with my notebooks?  If there are any takers, let me know... I'm waiting...

calories consumed: 1330
calories burned: 2008

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