It's Been Awhile But I Haven't Been Slacking...

So Thanksgiving has passed and it's getting so much closer to Christmas, which also means the end of my semester.  So I have been slacking with my writing on here but for good reason... I've been writing for school, continuously.  

I made it through Thanksgiving with flying colors... no big eating, no desserts.  Plus I've been working out on a more regular basis than I was in the past.  I'm going for my walks and when I'm not doing that I've been at the gym or on my wii fit.  It's crazy to say but I think the wii fit kicks my ass more than the gym sometimes.  I just can't get motivated on some days and if I head to the gym on those days I usually put in a lackluster effort, but when I use the wii fit I find myself saying that I'll do at least a half hour but then I can't help but push myself to the hour.  By the end of that I'm sweating my ass off and the next day I can barely walk up the stairs, then the next day I'm in even more pain.  And I love it!  It feels so great to have that workout pain back.  The other day when I was leaving my class I got into a little coughing fit, and all I wanted to do was stop because my abs hurt so much.  Yea, I said abs, I know they're under there somewhere!  

I've been so busy the past week or so and I think I'm finally getting a handle on things.  My bartending buddy ended up working for me the other night and it was a big help.  I got some final papers done and I had time to study my lines for my Broadcast final.  

We're planning on having Christmas dinner at our house and I'm so excited.  I bought a manger (we didn't have one before, and with the new house it didn't seem complete without one) and my mom and I are putting up the tree tomorrow before I head out to work.  I love having our house and being able to do whatever we want with it.  I'm so grateful for all we have.  I just love sharing it with our family and friends.  It's going to be nice to have a full house.  One of my best buds is heading home for the holidays and I finally bought a bed for her (and others) to sleep on.  My friend from nyc might be heading up here too after we spend a day catching up with our old gym buddies.  I can't wait to be done with school for a month.  It'll be nice to have the time to devote to myself and my health.  We're definitely going to Aruba in May, so I have to keep this up... 

I've Come to Realize...

that I'm a big time emotional eater.  I've known this for awhile, but I've been having such a good last couple of weeks, that for some reason I guess I thought I could handle anything.  Let's just say I had a busy weekend, and during that busy weekend I barely ate.  Which is bad.  Then last night and today I was very emotional; I was up and down all day.  All I've thought about doing is eating.  I was to eat everything and anything.  I've kept myself in control, but honestly if I wasn't in classes all day I probably would have come home and just vegged out in front of the TV and ate everything in this house.  I don't know how to stop pairing my emotions with my eating, good or bad.  It's like when I'm in a great state of mind I completely forget about eating, and when I'm in a shitty place, all I want to do is eat.  I had these chips in my car that I bought about a month ago, but I hated because they were spicy and I'm not into the spicy foods.  But after I hit the gym today I saw the bag in my trunk and had to eat some.  Granted I only ate like 10 chips then smartened up and threw out the bag, but I hated the taste of them.  They're disgusting, but for some reason I just couldn't resist them.  I hate being moody.  I hate being a woman sometimes because I can't handle these emotions.  I feel like until you're a mom, what the hell do you need these hormones for? Come on, why not just cash those emotions and hormones in when you're ready to have a baby?  Wouldn't that be a great idea?  At least I think so.  I need to get out of this funk that I'm in.  I hit my emotional brick wall today and I can't shake it.  I love my life but sometimes I get thrown into stuff I wasn't expecting.  My school life saved me today from cascading into a downward spiral of bad eating.  Hopefully I can wake up tomorrow and stop thinking about general tso's chicken, philly cheesesteaks, and ice cream.  Hi, my name is Dana and no I'm not pregnant, I'm just an emotional eater... 

Sooo excited... Wow I'm a Dork...

So yesterday my mom and I went on our long walk.  Let me tell you, it's freaking cold out and it gets dark out so early, but we're still pushing on.  We're going to try and walk through the winter, other than when it snows; on those days we've agreed to get on our home machines, me on my elliptical and her on the treadmill.  We had such a great walk, and burned over 1100 calories on our 9 miles.  It was so weird because I was getting excited the whole day about the possibility of burning 3000 calories.  By 5:30 I was already at 2190 so I knew with a busy night at work I could push over the 3000 point.  And I did!  I burned about 3100 and walked over 24000 steps!  I know it's dorky and I know I'm happy about it, but I can't help it.  I've never wanted to push myself like this, and normally I would try to find any excuse to get out of exercise; now I'm the one pushing other people to do it.  I like the fact that my mom is up and moving more often; she may look good but she's got high blood pressure and high bad cholesterol, so sometimes I get scared when she gets lazy.  I've had friends drop me emails about how they like my blog and that makes me happy.  I feel like if people are tracking my progress, then they'll be the ones to keep me accountable.  I love it!  I need a swift kick in the butt every once in awhile; the people that tell me they're reading this are the ones that are inspiring me and keeping me in gear.  

I want to get back into doing my Wii fit.  I love that "game."  It really is like having a personal trainer in your home, but for me sometimes that's why I DON'T want to step on and play.  I hate trainers.  I hate the fact that they think that they have the perfect solution to everyone's weight problem.  They never take in to account that all people are different.  They never talk about your eating, they never talk about WHY you overeat or WHY you decided not to eat.  And I feel like they need to do it all.  A good trainer should be a nutritionist, a therapist, and a trainer.  I guess I've always expected too much out of the trainers I've trusted.  I guess I've expected them to fix everything, and I've put all my eggs in one basket and I've been disappointed over and over again.  I'm so done with trainers.  They get paid too much money for too little results.  Same thing with the weight loss centers.  I've done the whole Jenny Craig thing and yea, you'll lose weight.  But damn, you spend way too much money.  When I didn't have bills to pay, that was a great solution, but the second you stop the weight comes right back on.  It's just frustrating to do another yo yo diet.  I don't want to eat little prepackaged meals for the rest of my life.  Plus so much of it is processed and artificial.  With my stomach problems all the processed stuff hurts me.  I like eating organic, even though I spend so much more money.  I like using whole grains and whole fruits and vegetables.  No more weight loss centers for me, no more overpriced trainers.  I'm going to do this on my own... well with a little help from my friends... 

calories burned: 3030

calories consumed: 740 (I know, I know, but I was really busy)  

Freakin' Pizza in My Fridge...

Ok, I'm pretty good when it comes to my diet.  A big thing that helps is that my "husband" doesn't eat junk food either.  So there's no cookies, no chocolate, no ice cream.  Let me say, if it wasn't for that, if my cupboards were full with junk, I'd be at least 40 lbs heavier.  But every once in awhile on my "husband's" day off, he gets a pizza.  Now i'm usually not the biggest fan, but every once in awhile I get in the moods where I can't stop opening the damn box and looking at it.  Now there's a pizza place around here called Len and Jo's which is pizza I can't resist, but this is from some random delivery pizza place, so I thought I'd be ok.  But I can't stop looking at it.  I haven't had a piece and I'm still resisting.  I just wish he didn't get in those take out moods because it's just too damn tempting!  

So I'm staying out of the fridge and I made myself some veggies with some low fat cheese and a healthy version of grilled cheese.  I just can't resist cheese.  I think the pizza put me in that cheese mood.  So I made some grilled cheese on some whole grain organic flax bread and some laughing cow cheese (which is highly recommended! only 30 calories a wedge, i love the french onion flavor) and some garlic low fat cheddar.  No butter, just some butter spray, but it still tastes sooo good; of course with organic ketchup.  Yea i know, I'm a little weird.  But it really does taste better than it sounds, well at least to me.  

So it's almost 3 and my mom is back on board with going for our long walk.  So I've gotta put dishes in the dishwasher and put away clothes.  My "husband" likes to do laundry but he never puts it away, so I've got that fun job.  I'm looking forward to my walk.  It's supposed to be busy at work tonight because we've got a really popular band playing, so I'm hoping to surpass my highest calorie burn.  I'm going to get home late, and I have to be up at 9 tomorrow morning, so I can interview someone for an art piece.  I'm hoping it turns out good, even if I'm not completely functioning.  Maybe I should get up at 8:30 so I can get some green tea in.  I have to buy my "husband's" nephew a birthday present tomorrow too; he never knows what to choose... Nap time tomorrow before work here I come...

Long Walk...

On Tuesdays my mom and I have been going for walks, but she goes to the doctor every 2 weeks on Mondays to get a plantars wart removed from her foot, so every other Tuesday she can't go because she's in so much pain.  I feel bad for her because I went through the same thing about 4 years ago, and it took me just as long to get rid of them too.  After working at a gym in Manhattan, I got these really bad ones that took 2 years to get rid of.  I went to the dermatologist for everything under the sun that they could think of: burned off, dug out, and injected with cortisone (the latter being the most painful because there's thick skin that he had to stick the needle in, so I felt like I was dying!).  Finally I found something that said to put duct tape on them, and finally they started to go away and then they were gone.  My mom is on 2 years now too, that's why she's going every 2 weeks.  She's in so much pain afterwards that she has to take vicadin.  

So I didn't want to give up my long walk, so I called up my fellow bartender and asked her if she'd go with me.  To my surprise she said yes.  Her and I share similar woes when it comes to our weight.  We're always exercising and always trying to think of new ways to get where we want to be when it comes to our weight.  But Tuesdays are both of our days off, so I wasn't expecting her to be all gung hoe for it.  But she was and we were off.  We did about nine and half miles; over 19000 steps.  They say that in order to lose weight you should have 10000 a day, so on my walk days I surpass that.  I have to admit, the last hill that's been killing my mom and I lately was a lot easier then it was when we first started, and I'm so proud of myself for that.  Now my bartender wasn't too thrilled about that last hill, but she'll love me this morning.  We were both in pain afterwards, but I have to admit, I look at my mom with a new respect.  She's 54 years old and she puts me to shame half the time.  If I can be as strong as her in 30 years I'll be so happy.  Hell, if I look like her in 30 years I'll be thrilled.  My final burn count for my calories was the most I've had since I started my bodybugg.  I'm pretty proud of myself, and I can't believe how motivated I am still.  Normally my motivation starts to fade, but now I started off a little unmotivated and now it's building.  I'm so excited to get this under control.  Can't wait for my next long walk on Friday...

Calories consumed: 1440

Calories burned: 2724

Just Gotta Keep Moving ...

My main goal for the past couple of days has been to just keep moving.  On the weekends I really can't get too much exercise in because I'm working.  Plus I work at a restaurant, so I have to make sure that I keep moving, and I don't fall into the trap of eating there when I'm bored.  

My Sunday was pretty steady so I knew that I would be good on my calories burned; my Sundays are usually my biggest calorie burn day, even though I don't get to hit the pavement or the gym on that day.  But towards the end of the night I had no customers and an 80 year old dishwasher who takes forever to clean the kitchen.  So I did a little extra cleaning and a little extra moving around, but by the time I was done with everything, he still hadn't even washed the floors.  So I was on to plan B... instead of sitting on my ass and watching TV like I normally do when I wait for him, I decided that I would do the stairs at my job.  So for 35 minutes I just continually went up and down the stairs.  I have to admit, I'm exercising a lot lately because I'm bound and determined to reach my goal, but I was sweating my ass off!  And it felt great! I was proud of myself for being productive at a time when normally I opt for relaxing and unwinding. 

Mondays are always a killer for me.  I go to sleep too late on Sunday night and waking up at 10am doesn't help when it comes to my energy levels.  So I have my cup of green tea and I head off to school (after making my "husband" his sandwich for the day).  I park in the farthest parking lot from my building.  I'm a big fan of "accidental exercise."  Just from parking far away I get my steps up by at least 3000 to 4000, but then I get home from classes and the last thing I want to do is exercise.  I have the time, but the couch just calls my name.  I can't take a nap; there's this weird thing in me that unless I'm sick, I just can't sleep during the day (even when it's dark out at 4:30 like it is now).  After laying around and catching up on my shows from the weekend (I love dvr!) I decided that I had to get up and get to the store... Now I hate walmart and I try to avoid it like the plague but it was a needed trip today.  I parked as far away as possible and headed in to pick up some things.  I wanted to get this stuff that's advertised called "bio-oil" for stretch marks and such.  With gaining and losing so much weight over the years, I have this fear that I'm going to get bad stretch marks.  I have little tiny ones here and there, but I want those gone and I don't want anymore.  So hopefully this will be my preventative medicine.  Thank the lord walmart wasn't the crazy madhouse it normally is but I felt so uneasy leaving.  I was so mad at myself because I saw the guy in front of me pretty much steal something but I didn't say anything.  I was so scared about going to my car alone if he was found out.  He was being all slick by leaving big items in his cart while the little old man just use his little hand scanner to get to the items.  He just didn't see that the guy had some stuff behind some pillows in his cart.  The thing is, I thought, if i said something after he left the guy could have just said he missed that one or forgot about that one and would be let go.  Then there's me walking to the farthest parking lot away by myself after I told on him.  I opted not to say anything, but I wish I did.  I never understand people; why steal?  It wasn't a loaf of bread, it was like home goods stuff.  There just wasn't a need for it.

I bought some bee pollen today too.  My manager gives my fellow bartender and I it on big nights where we need energy, and it works really nicely; especially since I can't do the coffee thing.  So I bought a bottle for us; this weekend should be crazy busy because we're having a really popular band, so I made sure I was prepared.  I felt all energized so I decided that I would do the stairs at my house while I watched TV.  So while I cooked dinner for my "husband" I went up and down the stairs and did arm curls with 8lb weights.  I made myself some grapes with sugar free jello.  One of my customers told me about taking grapes and putting jello mix on them and then freezing them.  I guess on weight watchers they're a "free" food, and they taste like skittles.  I can't complain; every once in awhile you need something sweet.  I don't know what's going on with me but I'm getting motivated.  Finally!  It feels kinda nice to actually say I'm going to be productive when it comes to my weight and actually do it.  More and more people are noticing my bodybugg now, so I tell them what I'm doing and they all seem intrigued.  We shall see... Just gotta keep moving...

Calories consumed: 1330

Calories burned: 2018

It's the Little Things...

I've come to realize that it's the little things in life that really make me happy.  Today I was in my downtown area just walking around.  I went to an art gallery called "UpFront" and just looked around at the art and wished I could afford some of it.  It always amazes me that galleries that are just starting, have artists who are charging $8000 for a piece.  In this town, I hope they'll be able to survive; It's a nice change of pace.  I also went down to the shoe repair shop, which by the way I'm amazed we still have; walking in there it feels like I stepped back into the 1950's.  I loved it.  The smell of brand new shoes and leather.  This little German man runs the store; I remember him from my church.  I couldn't believe he charged me $5 to fix my UGGS.  It was so cute, he says to me "well these are going to have to be hand sewn so it's going to cost you a little bit more"  I'm expected $25 or more, which I'd be willing to pay because those damn ugly things are so comfortable, but he charged me $5!  I can't believe he's still in business after all these years with prices like that.  I know a little bit about his life; about the loss of his son, who was the designated driver one night but was killed by an oncoming driver while taking his friends home.  People like his son are looking down on him from Heaven; maybe that's why his store has been open so long.  

I had another great day with my mom.  I couldn't ask for a better mom.  She is my best friend, well her and my "husband."  I love going for walks with her.  Granted we kick each other's ass and do 8 miles, but man if I can do what she does at her age, I'll be in a pretty damn good place.  I love talking with her; I love reminiscing with her about my grama or about her life growing up or even mine.  I know it's crazy, but she better live forever or my "husband" is going to have a really hard time keeping me from crying day in and day out.  I  think my mom doesn't realize sometimes how much she means to us, meaning my brothers and I, but without her, we wouldn't be the family we are, or the people we are.  She's done so much and she doesn't even realize how grateful we all are.  I hope she realizes it someday.  We might move out of the house and we might not be able to get together on all the holidays, but we would do anything for each other, and we'll always pick up the phone to see how life is going.  She's the reason I could never move away without knowing I could take her with me.

I had a good day at work.  I really like working with my boss, we're both wise asses so it works.  Oh how things have changed since I first started there.  No more taking anybody's crap.  I like having days with no stress, it feels like such a relief.  I came home from work and I have warm peppermint tea waiting for me on the counter.  I really couldn't ask for a better man.  It's the little things that make me happy; he makes me so happy... 

Calories burned: 2665

Calories consumed: 1460 

Almost done...

Thursdays for me feel like the longest day of the week.  I get up at 10am and I'm in classes until 10 at night.  It's just exhausting.  I think that's a recurring theme in my life; just exhausted.  The sad part is I feel like I'm doing so much, but so little really gets done.  At least when it comes to what I really want to do.  I've been writing papers and listening to lectures for so long.  I'm so glad I took time out from college to figure out what I really wanted to do in life, but I just want to be "there" already.  I'm tired of writing papers that are just handed in for a grade; I want to do fieldwork, I want to be out there in the thick of things, but until then I have one more semester of classes and then an internship.  Hopefully I won't just be getting people coffee.  Hopefully I'll actually get some experience.  I just love writing.  I guess everyone has there thing in life; I guess mine is just venting through either a pen and notebook or my mac.  I don't know where I'd be without it sometimes; probably the psych ward.  I don't know how people get through life without venting somehow.  For me it's not really a good cry, but a good sit down with myself and the words that come out of my head.  

I've been writing in one way or another from the time I was 8 (obviously earlier for school, but for fun it started at 8).  I guess that really does make me a big dork, but I was never really good at anything else.  I wasn't athletic.  I wasn't the drama queen.  I wasn't the cheerleader.  But I've always loved to write and to sing.  I knew when it came to singing I would always have an uphill battle.  I really don't know many singers, other than opera singers, who could be successful and fat.  And I always fought the idea of being that big, so putting a big ball gown and horns on me wouldn't of been the look I was going for. Plus, I have this big stage fright that I could never seem to shake.  And everyone around me was so good at hamming it up for anytime on the stage and I just never got it.  I never got how people could let themselves be so vulnerable in front of everyone.  I guess for me I always loved to sing, but my fear of being ridiculed or not accepted by people overtook that love.  I remember my grama always telling me to sing louder because people couldn't hear how good I was unless I was louder.  I loved my grama more than anything and she's my inspiration for everything I do in life.  The first time I ever really sang in front of people was at her funeral.  Her favorite song was "Amazing Grace" and I sang that it for her.  I knew she heard me.  I remember people being shocked on that day that it was me singing.  No one knew I could sing "like that" but my grama knew.  She always knew.  I've finally pushed myself to sing in front of people.  Granted it's for karaoke at my bar, but it still makes me smile because I know she helps me stand in front of people when all I want to do is run out the door screaming.  Maybe one day i'll take it further.  I always promised her that I would at least try.  But I know if I can't be the one singing the songs, hopefully I'll be the one writing them.  She'll hear me sing the songs.  I know she still hears me.

Why all these memories?  Today I watched the movie "Young at Heart" in my arts criticism class and I couldn't help but think about my grama.  I couldn't help but picture my grama with her amazing voice singing those songs and bringing the house down.  I remember her singing in church and being so proud of her.  So proud to know that voice could come out of me one day.  These old people were an inspiration.  I couldn't help but get teary eyed.  I couldn't help but think to myself, "if these people can do it, why can't you?"  Hopefully it won't take me until I'm 80 to get my ass out there and stop being so scared.  I'm not the best singer in the world; I know i'm not Mariah Carey or Martina McBride.  But I have a love for country music and I have a love for the songs I've been writing for the past 10 years.  One day I want the world to hear them, even if they're not coming out of my mouth.  I just wish I could get paid to sit in a studio all day and try to figure out the next hook and the next chorus.  I wish life would just stop for awhile while I try to figure out how to make money and do what I love.  Will someone just pay me to lay on a beach with my notebooks?  If there are any takers, let me know... I'm waiting...

calories consumed: 1330

calories burned: 2008

So much time spent being busy, yet nothing gets done...

So today was a typical Wednesday for the "husband" and I.  We wake up playing around and "fighting" over who is going to make "breakfast" or in our case who is going to go out and buy it.  We have eggs here.  We have cheese here.  But for some reason we go to the local diner to buy omelettes.  Yea sometimes we just like being lazy.  Pretty much when we get the chance, we like to be lazy.  I love Wednesdays.  I love being able to just lay around with him until I have to go to work.  But today I had to cut my cuddle time in half and get up off the couch and out of his arms in order to clean up a little bit more.  Now our house is always clean.  I guess my mom was right when she said it was annoying to clean up after people because now I love keeping my house clean.  I guess it's just different when something is your own.  I take pride in our home and I love knowing that if someone stopped by, our house would still look good enough to not be embarrassed to show.  But today I felt the need to have our house look nice because the "husband" was planning on having a guest over.  There's this girl from work who he's friends with that couldn't come to our housewarming party but has wanted to see the house.  So he asked me yesterday if I was ok with her coming over while I was at work.  And I was fine with it, I have no issues when it comes to him.  I know this man loves me more than anything in this world and the last thing he would do is cheat on me.  So I cleaned a little bit extra today and made sure that the house looked really nice, just to show off I guess.  I'm not sure what else it could be.  The funny thing is a part of me got jealous when my "husband" first mentioned this girl.  They kissed in 2001.  Now mind you, they kissed and that was all.  But for some reason I still got jealous.  Now I've obviously kissed other men, and he's obviously kissed other women. But I still felt this weird feeling overtake me.  Then I remembered that in 2001 I was in 11th grade and 17yrs old and that if we were together at the time it would have been totally illegal.  So I laughed it off and came back to reality.  I will never get jealous again.  

My day at work was uneventful.  The bar was dead, I made shitty money and I missed my baby.  The sad part is, my job really isn't half bad.  For us it's Wii Wednesdays, so once the bar died down a bit more, I played Wii.  I pretty much kick ass at tennis so for me I had a great end to the night. 

Let's see, I ate my egg white and spinach omelette, some sauteed broccoli with garlic and sun dried tomatoes, and a slice of pizza.  I'm pretty much happy with that.  I didn't get much exercise in, but cleaning today definitely burned the calories (2253 to be exact).  So it was a good food day; I just wish my stomach would cooperate and feel better.  I have IBS so most of the time it's killing me.  I have no insurance so medicine is out the window, but I do follow what the doctors told me to eliminate.  No artificial sweeteners, no white bread, and no... Coffee.  Yea the last one pretty much kills me, but I've switched to green tea and peppermint tea over the past 8 months or so, so I'm definitely getting used to it.  I just really miss my iced caramel lattes.  

So tomorrow is my long day of classes.  I'm there from 12 to 10 at night and it's pretty much non stop.  I just can't wait for this semester to end; I'm just exhausted.  I'm going to push myself tomorrow to try and hit the gym or hit the track at school.  Yesterday I did 2 hours around town; 8 miles.  That's my plan for Friday before work too.  I'm going to do this... the countdown continues.  

First... What the hell it's my day "off"

My life is busy, to say the least.  I'm a full time bartender, a full time journalism student, a full time house "wife" and a part time couch potato/exercise enthusiast.  I wear a lot of hats, but a part of me wouldn't want it any other way.  I've had a lot of time in my life where I didn't have enough to do, so too much to do is a nice change of pace.  But this change of pace has been for the past 3 years, and to say the least, most of the time I'm just exhausted.  I'm a night owl and if I don't have 8 hours of sleep, I'm also a bitch.  Sometimes I just wish there were more hours in the day to get everything done.  I love writing, I love reading, and most of the time I can't do it for enjoyment because I'm doing it for classwork, but it's still my love.  

I'm turning 25 on May 23rd.  I've had a lot of ups and downs in life, mostly when it comes to my weight.  At my highest weight I weighed 192lbs at the age of 15.  At the age of 16 I weighed 129lbs.  To say that my weight loss at the time was healthy would be a lie.  I did everything in my power to lose that weight and it's been my struggle ever since to try to keep it off.  I did everything from taking ephedra, to drinking kool-aid all day, to taking epicac to get sick when I did eat.  I will not do that again.  My senior year of high school was filled with days of me laying at home in bed because I couldn't get up without feeling like I was going to pass out.  I will not do that again.  I gained a lot of weight back when I moved down to Manhattan in 2004.  I could only afford to eat cereal, ramen, tuna, and chips- I was back up to 189lbs and I worked at a gym, how funny is that.  Then I moved back home and started bartending.  I was moving around and I wasn't getting advice everyday from every trainer under the sun on how to lose weight.  I knew I was fat, but I knew I had to do it on my time, or else I'd do it for everyone else and do it unhealthy again.  I will not do that again.  

When I met the man of my dreams in 2006, I wanted to do better.  I wanted to be better for myself and I wanted to care about what I looked like.  My "husband" is beautiful.  He's 37 years old and looks like he's 29.  He's sexy and I couldn't ask for a better man.  He treats me like his princess.  To say the least, I'm a lucky woman.  As cheesy as it sounds I'd love to be his trophy wife.  I'm 13 years younger than him so I damn well should be.  I know it sounds like I'm not a feminist, but I really am.  I love being an independent woman, but I also love knowing that my "husband" couldn't ask for a better woman to be on his arm.  I do everything from work, to go to school, to cleaning, to cooking... I want to manage it all, I want to be it all; not for him, but for me.  I have this image of a 1950's housewife that I know is inside of me, only I'm better.  I not only take care of my man, but I take care of myself before anything else, and I work my ass off while doing it.  I lost a lot of weight and I've kept it off for the past 2 years.  But with my past ups and downs, it's just never enough. I'm never happy.  Right now I weigh *cough 152.*  I can't believe I put that down, but it is what it is.  I'm a size 10 and I want to be a size 6 again.  I was happy then, at least in my mind I remember myself being happy at that point.  I have these size 6 A&F yellow shorts that I dream about fitting into again.  I'm not even sure if I like them, but in my mind those are my mental goal that I need to be in to.  But I want to be healthy, I don't ever want to act like a child again and starve myself to get what I want.

Right now I'm using this thing called a "bodybugg" that I saw on the biggest loser.  It keeps track of how many calories I burn, while I keep track of how many calories I eat.  The whole concept is that I have to burn more calories than I consume.  It seems easy enough.  But I've been using this damn thing for 5 weeks and I've only lost 2lbs.  I can't take it!  I want it off and I want it off now!  I wish it could be that easy.  One day I'd like to have a child, but I don't think I could do it while I obsess over my weight like I do.  I couldn't let myself gain all that weight without feeling like I was losing my mind.  So i want to be "there."  I want to be in a place with my weight where I feel like I'm in control so one day I'll be able to not think about every morsel that I put in my mouth without then thinking how I can burn it off or get rid of it.  I promised my "husband" that I would never allow myself to get to a place where I would stop eating or start purging.  I will never be there again.  I'm going to do this the healthy way, even if it takes me all the way to my 25th birthday to do it.  

So I want to lose 20lbs.  But I also want to save money so we can go on a nice tropical vacation in the spring.  But this time I want to be in a bikini and take tons of pictures of how sexy the two of us look.  I don't want to feel like I need to cover up or that he isn't proud of me for one second.  We just bought a house together this past July, so we've cut back on the vacations, but I'm determined to save enough money to be able to go away again... this time to Aruba!  

I love my life right now.  I never knew that life could be this good.  I have the best "husband" in the world.  I have a beautiful house.  I have a job that I enjoy.  And I'm almost done with my college education.  I am a lucky woman.  I just want to believe in myself and I want to look at myself in the mirror and know that he's a lucky man as well.  I have a passion for writing, I have a passion for music, and I have a passion for the love of my life... I just want to believe in myself and know that I'm going to get "there" someday.  This is my journey to my 25th birthday.