I'm a Big Baby...

So i have to get my tonsils out. I'm 29 years-old! Who gets their tonsils out at 29? Well, i guess the same girl who has back surgery at 27! UGH!

I'm really not looking forward to it, since every Ear, Nose, and Throat doctor has painted a really crappy picture for the recovery. I've been told that I'll be in pain for a minimum of 10 days and a maximum of three weeks. Let's just say, i'm really not looking forward to it. I'm kind of a big baby. And i really love being taken care of. Let's just say thankfully mom is up for the challenge. Everyone says, "Oh exciting, at least you get to eat ice cream..." well not me, unless you've got a massive box of Lactaid along side of it. That's right, what's more torturous than giving a girl the freedom to eat ice cream for three weeks straight, then making her lactose intolerant so she can't without doubling over in pain?! I mean seriously! How rude!

Thankfully, I really do love rainbow sherbet. Mom better turn on the extra freezer to keep me in constant supply. Nothing like mom and sherbet to make you feel young again. So cool.

This looks fun. I keep occupying myself with nasty pics of tonsils and comparing mine. Mine keep winning too. At least before my 1700 mg of amoxicillin i'm taking each day.

Wish me luck. August 2nd is D-day.

After that i'll be in rainbow sherbet/pain killer coma. Please don't disturb.

This Crazy Life...

It's been one of those weeks where I just have to take a step back and wonder how God works his many wonders. My life has been insanely blessed. I have come from a broken home and yet I learned to love with all my heart. Instead of my heart being depleted by the sadness, I was lucky enough to be loved by extra people. I dreamt big as a little girl and always wanted to just be special in the eyes of my friends and family. I always wanted love. The love that people write about. The love that cheesy Lifetime movies are made of. The love that songs are written about. I always wanted someone to look at me and know that they were special in my eyes and that without them I wouldn't be the woman I am today. I found that love.

I've never stopped wanting to put all of the emotions I feel into song. I wrote my first poem when I was 8-years-old when I liked a boy that no one from my school knew. He was an older, church boy. How scandalous. I remember writing down these poems in my diary and then making melodies to them. Crazy, cheesy songs. I remember singing them in my closet so no one else could hear. Over the years, the child in me left and the adult took over. Logic took hold. It always does.

Something keeps calling my name. I can't stop feeling as if the child in me, that is still alive in my heart and in my words, is the reason that I don't have a child of my own yet. The Lord works in mysterious ways. I will not question Him. He knows more than I do. He knows the plan, but if He doesn't and is just letting me take the driver's seat, my life's journey will be scattered with Him carrying me through the trying times. I need Him more than I've ever needed him. He will not steer me wrong. But if He lets me take control, I sure hope He gives me a lot of understanding and continues to let my angels watch over me.

God, if you hear me, thank You for everything and everyone You've put in my life. You are truly amazing. I can't imagine my life being even a little different. You knew exactly who I need when I need them. It's a pretty freaking amazing life You've given me. I hope it only gets better.

I have been blessed.

My 29th Year...

My birthday has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. I felt such a massive build up over turning 29 this year; it's the year before the big 3-0 so of course, as a woman, it's suppose to mean something. I completely fall into this category of women who believe that all things in life need to be accomplished by this age milestone; Marriage, Family, Career.

However, at the age of 29 I've decided that instead of focusing on all of these things, I really have only one thing that I really need to concentrate on: My happiness.

I don't know where we lose this. Where we lose the concept that our lives need to revolve around the needs of others and not on our own needs as human beings. I've had a long year of reflection this past year and I have to say I'm not happy with all of the decisions I've made, but my sometimes in my moments of clarity I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had one of my friends from high school message me while I was in Nashville and I have to say, it brought tears to my eyes. We use to be inseparable back in high school. The older I get, seeing her successes and hopes and dreams makes me excited.

"so...i don't know if you know/believe in the saturn returns...but it turns out it starts around 29 instead of 27 like i orginally thought...which gives me hope because I see you are on a new path and I think I am too...and it bodes well for us both because we can make our dreams come true now!! so that might have been lame, but i hope you enjoy nashville and keep going for your dreams and you and I can laugh and one day remember way back when our journeys to the top!! 

It's amazing what age does and how it changes the desires of your soul. Three of us friends had dreams of making it big, I'm still hoping those dreams come true.

My lyrics have grown through my struggles and through my new sense of creativity. Not only can I write from my own perspective, but my creative side is just overflowing with ideas lately. I've never felt so proud of the work I've done, like the work I'm putting out now. I have such a huge desire to succeed at music. I'm taking lessons. I'm entering contests. I feel proud. Finally.

I'm still struggling with the guitar, but I struggle with everything that I don't feel at home with. If it's out of my comfort zone, I tend to shy away from things instead of pursuing it further. I don't know why I still have a sense that people will judge my passions instead of accepting them. It's a hard struggle when the thing you love in life is the same as so many others. When you're not the only game in town, it's hard to make yourself stand out. Hopefully, with my writing and singing partner by my side, we can do just that. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm excited.

Please Check Out "Pearls and Poison"

I hope you like some of the stuff you hear. Hopefully, this summer will include some pictures and some more originals and covers. I feel renewed and reinvented. I feel hopeful.

https://www.facebook.com/PearlsAndPMusic

Friendships and Relationships...

There's a strange thing that happens in life with friendships. Most people will make friends in school that they keep for life or that are in their lives only for that moment. I don't have a huge group of friends, but the friends I do have are irreplaceable.

It's strange apparently to people when you make friends when you're considered an adult. I guess you're suppose to have friends from your childhood or from your teenage years only. I have those friends that I still count on. One I've had since first grade, the other fourth grade, and the last of my childhood besties I became friends with in seventh grade, but we became the best of friends actually after high school ended.

Why is it that as adults people find it strange when you make new friends, unless it's part of your other half's group of friends? Sometimes we all need a new perspective no? We all need a friend that hasn't been through all the trials and tribulations of your life and doesn't know the ins and outs of your past. They can help you through today, and help you through the moments that you're dealing with now. What a concept. For a person to start liking you as an adult. Not because they've been your friend forever, but because they like the adult that you turned into.

Sometimes I just get a tad sentimental, just sometimes.  I just love my friends, old and new.

Hi Thursday...

I love myself a Thursday off. I know I've mentioned this plenty of times. I don't know what it is about Thursdays. I have Mondays off, but for some reason a Thursday off is just so fabulous.

I woke up at noon. I watched three episodes of Law and Order SVU. I took the dogs to the groomers. Then I came back and decided that I should tackle some tasks that I haven't been to in months. Well, at least it feels like it. Ok, maybe it really has been. Remember that funk I've been in? Yea, it's kinda affected the housework too. What can I say, everyone has a good funk they get into now and then. I feel detached from my house, so I haven't really put too much time into it other than the time I spend on the couch while watching Law and Order or whatever is in my DVR at the time. 

But for some reason it hit me today that the house needed a good one over. I started by cleaning out the junk drawer so I could put my K-cups in it. I was so tired of seeing the boxes on the counter and there's no room to speak of for extra cabinet space; I've pretty much maxed that out. I think if I didn't do anything else today, this would still feel like I ruled the world after this accomplishment...

I think it's all my friend Joanna's fault for coming over to make her famous pizza. If it wasn't for her I'm pretty sure I would have been happy and braless watching TV all day. But alas, I'm queen of the world and I couldn't let my home be overruled by K-cups and a messy table. I don't think this table is used for more than storage of the mail other than on holidays. It was kinda nice to actually eat at the table. I loved her pizza. And some bottles of Angry Orchard hard cider. Both were so worth putting a bra on for. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Philly for her new job. Damn her. But I'm thinking that means that I'll just have to make a visit to see her and my other friend down there. I love an excuse to escape for a bit.

After she left I needed to do something I've been dreading. Clean the tub. I hate cleaning the tub. My back hates when I clean the tub. But my hard water needs me to clean the tub a lot more often. I let bleach sit in it for a few hours. Then I scrubbed it down. Although I kinda let the jets run a little too long with cleaner in it. Oops...

Gosh I guess I'm really not good at this suzy homemaker stuff. I've never been much for all that. But I do love the finished product when my house is all shiny and organized. I need to go through all of the stuff in the house and start getting rid of things that aren't used anymore. I'm tired of seeing the clutter. But man, my couch is so comfy and there's always an SVU marathon on. It's just so hard to manage my time on my days off. 

Oh. I almost forgot. Luna discovered the duck. Over and over again. So I tried to capture the moment a few times and this is the best I could get... Oh, Lordy.

Sundays and Crazy Moments...

So I have this crazy lady that comes into my job. And when I say crazy, I mean the crazy cat lady kind of crazy, but say you mix crazy cat lady with some alcohol, and you have my customer. She's a kind soul. She's a sweet woman who I think has had a pretty rough life and she also lives with a crazy note-writing schizophrenic—what a combination!

She's the kind of woman who is extremely talented at expressing herself in poetry and writing, albeit in a kitty cat notebook. She's confessed to me that her family had never believed in her and that they always told her that she could never be anyone special. She cries to me. She laughs. She breaks my heart.

She has become the center of attention for a crew of customers that comes in—literally just to see her. When she walks in the door they cheer her name. I love seeing the smile it puts on her face. We all have a laugh at her expense when she starts dancing or when she starts doing bar stool yoga (i know what you're thinking, but no, really, she does actual yoga moves while sitting on the bar stool). We all chuckle at her little sayings. At her crush on one of the crew. But the best part about the whole thing is that she knows; and she loves it. We make her feel special. We make her feel wanted. She says that with us she feels something that she's never felt in her life. It's all a lot of fun. And I make a great amount of money because of her entertainment, but I can honestly say, when she's moved on from the hotel that's by the bar, I think we're all going to be a little sad.

This past Sunday she told me that she thinks that I'm a good soul. That me and another customer were the most kind-hearted out of the group. That she loves me. I had a bad week and I have to say, it made me smile. She calls me "Scarlett" because she says that I remind her of Scarlett Ohara (I say, I wish I had that infamous 18-inch waist). That I remind her of a movie star or a 1950's pin-up. I don't mind the flattery, even if she's not the best judge.

Sometimes she brings her teddy-bear in to the bar. She calls it, "Father." She wears a fedora which quickly gave her the nickname of, "Crazy hat lady" or "Scarecrow." She brings in her notebook, which she gave me the pleasure to read one night. How heartbreaking. How sad her life has been. How sad her view on the world, but how poignant too. She talks on a cellphone sometimes even if no one's there because as she put it, "sometimes Scarlett, it's just nice to feel important and have other people think you're important too."

I came into work one day and found a present to me from her. I was a tad weirded out, but intrigued. It was toiletrees from a hotel in Atlantic City. She's also tried to give me a half used, knock-off bottle of Chanel No5; telling me that all classy girls should wear Chanel No5, even if they can't get the real thing. I sadly turned her down saying that I only use one perfume, but that I thought the gesture was incredibly sweet. She was upset this week because I didn't receive a toy duck that she bought for my puppies and said that I had to track down the culprit who stole it from me because she spent eight dollars on it and wouldn't see it go to waste for some thief! She then told me that the person who stole it or forgot to tell me about it, must be fired on the spot for being untrustworthy. Don't worry. I found the toy duck. No one was fired. I'm sure my pup Luna will enjoy humping it; although it does make a duck call sound when it's squeezed, so that could make it very interesting.

We've all had our fun at her expense. But I've had a few heart to hearts with her and I know that the fun we have gets her out of a lot of manic moments. I invited her out with a note last week to get her to come and see everyone (also so I could get people to come out to see her!). I felt kinda bad afterwards and some people were saying it was mean. Then I saw her the next day and she told me she cried happy tears for the first time in a long time and that it made her day. She told me she had a really rough night and when she woke up to find a note from me, she couldn't contain herself. Even if it started off with selfish intentions, the night was fabulous and the end result was a very happy woman. I felt redeemed.

At the end of the night on Sunday Funday she told me she was going to take a few days off from the bar to recover because the night was just, "too much fun." There were definitely a lot of moments of dancing, giggling, crying, and singing on her part. She was reveling in the attention. Then before she left she stopped and said, "Scarlett I know you all think I'm crazy, and I'm ok with that, I love you guys, but you're going to think I'm a little bit crazier after I say this, but I thought you should know and I have to say it. It runs in my family; I'm a little bit psychic. Now I know you want a baby right now so bad, but it's just not the time for you. You're meant to do big things. Really big things. You're going to have your baby eventually, but just not now, not at this time. But don't think you're not going to have one, you will. But I'm sorry to say honey it's not going to be a girl like you want, it's going to be a boy. But you'll still love him and you'll have your baby finally. But first you have to do big things."

I almost started to cry. How did this woman know? It's not something I talk about at my job. It's not something I reveal to every soul, especially the wanting a girl thing. It was just a weird moment. There have been so many strange moments with this woman, but this one took the cake and threw me for a loop. I'm sure it could just be some sorta fluke. I mean women my age want babies. Women want daughters. But how strange. I told a few people and some got chills, others thought I was gonna join her in the crazy club. But for someone like me who's had this desire for so many years, to hear those words, from someone that's almost a stranger, how could I not be baffled?

I'm going to miss her when she's gone. And not just because she helps bring in people because they like to watch the show she puts on. Not just because my tips have doubled. People may make fun. They might jest at her expense. But she's a kind soul. A kindred spirit. And I hope we give her a lot of happiness in this crazy world. And if we think our world is crazy on a daily basis, I can only imagine what her world is like. I hope we all never have to experience what it's like to be living in a hotel, sad, alone, and hopeless— with your only friend being a scary schizophrenic with a drinking problem.

I hope she's not just crazy. I hope she's insightful and tad psychic. I hope I am meant to do big things. I sure know that I dream big. Let's hope that her vision prevails on all levels.  I wouldn't mind being on a tour or down in Nashville holding my baby boy. I'm not picky.

Leaving On a Jetplane...

I need a getaway. I'm one of those people who tends to get incredibly restless after being in stuck in the same routine for too long. I also live in the northeast and it's not a secret how much I dislike the winter. I'd love to stay in the three seasons instead of the four; it's not all it's cracked up to be.

People tend to hate on me for taking vacations, but without a conventional job and without traditional babies to take care of, it's a tad easier for me to getaway than it is for most. As long as my shifts are covered, my boss approves, and I've got the funds, I start feeling the itch to run away for a bit. 

Unfortunately, I need to save money, so there's not exactly the extra funds for vacation time. The bad thing about not having a conventional job is that I don't get paid to take off. That, is one thing I'm jealous of from those nine to fivers. So, on top of having to save up money for vacation, we have to make sure the bills are covered too because I'm not making any money either during the away time. See haters, it's really not that easy!

I'd love to visit with one of my bests in California, but with an upcoming wedding I'm in and with trying to get some studio time, it's looking like I might not be able to get out there before her hubby and her move back East—possibly back East. I'd be really sad if I miss this opportunity to see her, so I'm going to try my hardest to be as frugal as possible so I can. It's been months since I've bought a dress or boots! Be impressed people.

It's looking like my next big trip will be to my favorite place—Nashville. I mean there's Hawaii and there's Aruba, but when I go to Nashville I feel like I'm home, not on vacation. I tend to go to places I love over and over again. Just like some people are with their favorite movies that they can watch over and over again without being bored. When I'm in Nashville I feel like I have the world I love at my fingertips. Everything I love surrounds me there. I can't wait to go again in June. I can't wait to enjoy the music, feel the freedom, and not have a worry in the world.

When I'm here, when I'm in our little house in New York, I can't help but feel like there's so much more I need to experience. I feel a need to just get away from life, from responsibilities, from work—basically from it all. Vacation gives me a sense of sanity in an insane world. I always get a tad jealous when people go away, but I always know that there's nothing like it in the world. There's nothing like experiencing a different life, even if it's only for 6days/7nights.