Friendships and Relationships...

There's a strange thing that happens in life with friendships. Most people will make friends in school that they keep for life or that are in their lives only for that moment. I don't have a huge group of friends, but the friends I do have are irreplaceable.

It's strange apparently to people when you make friends when you're considered an adult. I guess you're suppose to have friends from your childhood or from your teenage years only. I have those friends that I still count on. One I've had since first grade, the other fourth grade, and the last of my childhood besties I became friends with in seventh grade, but we became the best of friends actually after high school ended.

Why is it that as adults people find it strange when you make new friends, unless it's part of your other half's group of friends? Sometimes we all need a new perspective no? We all need a friend that hasn't been through all the trials and tribulations of your life and doesn't know the ins and outs of your past. They can help you through today, and help you through the moments that you're dealing with now. What a concept. For a person to start liking you as an adult. Not because they've been your friend forever, but because they like the adult that you turned into.

Sometimes I just get a tad sentimental, just sometimes.  I just love my friends, old and new.

Hi Thursday...

I love myself a Thursday off. I know I've mentioned this plenty of times. I don't know what it is about Thursdays. I have Mondays off, but for some reason a Thursday off is just so fabulous.

I woke up at noon. I watched three episodes of Law and Order SVU. I took the dogs to the groomers. Then I came back and decided that I should tackle some tasks that I haven't been to in months. Well, at least it feels like it. Ok, maybe it really has been. Remember that funk I've been in? Yea, it's kinda affected the housework too. What can I say, everyone has a good funk they get into now and then. I feel detached from my house, so I haven't really put too much time into it other than the time I spend on the couch while watching Law and Order or whatever is in my DVR at the time. 

But for some reason it hit me today that the house needed a good one over. I started by cleaning out the junk drawer so I could put my K-cups in it. I was so tired of seeing the boxes on the counter and there's no room to speak of for extra cabinet space; I've pretty much maxed that out. I think if I didn't do anything else today, this would still feel like I ruled the world after this accomplishment...

I think it's all my friend Joanna's fault for coming over to make her famous pizza. If it wasn't for her I'm pretty sure I would have been happy and braless watching TV all day. But alas, I'm queen of the world and I couldn't let my home be overruled by K-cups and a messy table. I don't think this table is used for more than storage of the mail other than on holidays. It was kinda nice to actually eat at the table. I loved her pizza. And some bottles of Angry Orchard hard cider. Both were so worth putting a bra on for. I'm going to miss her when she moves to Philly for her new job. Damn her. But I'm thinking that means that I'll just have to make a visit to see her and my other friend down there. I love an excuse to escape for a bit.

After she left I needed to do something I've been dreading. Clean the tub. I hate cleaning the tub. My back hates when I clean the tub. But my hard water needs me to clean the tub a lot more often. I let bleach sit in it for a few hours. Then I scrubbed it down. Although I kinda let the jets run a little too long with cleaner in it. Oops...

Gosh I guess I'm really not good at this suzy homemaker stuff. I've never been much for all that. But I do love the finished product when my house is all shiny and organized. I need to go through all of the stuff in the house and start getting rid of things that aren't used anymore. I'm tired of seeing the clutter. But man, my couch is so comfy and there's always an SVU marathon on. It's just so hard to manage my time on my days off. 

Oh. I almost forgot. Luna discovered the duck. Over and over again. So I tried to capture the moment a few times and this is the best I could get... Oh, Lordy.

Sundays and Crazy Moments...

So I have this crazy lady that comes into my job. And when I say crazy, I mean the crazy cat lady kind of crazy, but say you mix crazy cat lady with some alcohol, and you have my customer. She's a kind soul. She's a sweet woman who I think has had a pretty rough life and she also lives with a crazy note-writing schizophrenic—what a combination!

She's the kind of woman who is extremely talented at expressing herself in poetry and writing, albeit in a kitty cat notebook. She's confessed to me that her family had never believed in her and that they always told her that she could never be anyone special. She cries to me. She laughs. She breaks my heart.

She has become the center of attention for a crew of customers that comes in—literally just to see her. When she walks in the door they cheer her name. I love seeing the smile it puts on her face. We all have a laugh at her expense when she starts dancing or when she starts doing bar stool yoga (i know what you're thinking, but no, really, she does actual yoga moves while sitting on the bar stool). We all chuckle at her little sayings. At her crush on one of the crew. But the best part about the whole thing is that she knows; and she loves it. We make her feel special. We make her feel wanted. She says that with us she feels something that she's never felt in her life. It's all a lot of fun. And I make a great amount of money because of her entertainment, but I can honestly say, when she's moved on from the hotel that's by the bar, I think we're all going to be a little sad.

This past Sunday she told me that she thinks that I'm a good soul. That me and another customer were the most kind-hearted out of the group. That she loves me. I had a bad week and I have to say, it made me smile. She calls me "Scarlett" because she says that I remind her of Scarlett Ohara (I say, I wish I had that infamous 18-inch waist). That I remind her of a movie star or a 1950's pin-up. I don't mind the flattery, even if she's not the best judge.

Sometimes she brings her teddy-bear in to the bar. She calls it, "Father." She wears a fedora which quickly gave her the nickname of, "Crazy hat lady" or "Scarecrow." She brings in her notebook, which she gave me the pleasure to read one night. How heartbreaking. How sad her life has been. How sad her view on the world, but how poignant too. She talks on a cellphone sometimes even if no one's there because as she put it, "sometimes Scarlett, it's just nice to feel important and have other people think you're important too."

I came into work one day and found a present to me from her. I was a tad weirded out, but intrigued. It was toiletrees from a hotel in Atlantic City. She's also tried to give me a half used, knock-off bottle of Chanel No5; telling me that all classy girls should wear Chanel No5, even if they can't get the real thing. I sadly turned her down saying that I only use one perfume, but that I thought the gesture was incredibly sweet. She was upset this week because I didn't receive a toy duck that she bought for my puppies and said that I had to track down the culprit who stole it from me because she spent eight dollars on it and wouldn't see it go to waste for some thief! She then told me that the person who stole it or forgot to tell me about it, must be fired on the spot for being untrustworthy. Don't worry. I found the toy duck. No one was fired. I'm sure my pup Luna will enjoy humping it; although it does make a duck call sound when it's squeezed, so that could make it very interesting.

We've all had our fun at her expense. But I've had a few heart to hearts with her and I know that the fun we have gets her out of a lot of manic moments. I invited her out with a note last week to get her to come and see everyone (also so I could get people to come out to see her!). I felt kinda bad afterwards and some people were saying it was mean. Then I saw her the next day and she told me she cried happy tears for the first time in a long time and that it made her day. She told me she had a really rough night and when she woke up to find a note from me, she couldn't contain herself. Even if it started off with selfish intentions, the night was fabulous and the end result was a very happy woman. I felt redeemed.

At the end of the night on Sunday Funday she told me she was going to take a few days off from the bar to recover because the night was just, "too much fun." There were definitely a lot of moments of dancing, giggling, crying, and singing on her part. She was reveling in the attention. Then before she left she stopped and said, "Scarlett I know you all think I'm crazy, and I'm ok with that, I love you guys, but you're going to think I'm a little bit crazier after I say this, but I thought you should know and I have to say it. It runs in my family; I'm a little bit psychic. Now I know you want a baby right now so bad, but it's just not the time for you. You're meant to do big things. Really big things. You're going to have your baby eventually, but just not now, not at this time. But don't think you're not going to have one, you will. But I'm sorry to say honey it's not going to be a girl like you want, it's going to be a boy. But you'll still love him and you'll have your baby finally. But first you have to do big things."

I almost started to cry. How did this woman know? It's not something I talk about at my job. It's not something I reveal to every soul, especially the wanting a girl thing. It was just a weird moment. There have been so many strange moments with this woman, but this one took the cake and threw me for a loop. I'm sure it could just be some sorta fluke. I mean women my age want babies. Women want daughters. But how strange. I told a few people and some got chills, others thought I was gonna join her in the crazy club. But for someone like me who's had this desire for so many years, to hear those words, from someone that's almost a stranger, how could I not be baffled?

I'm going to miss her when she's gone. And not just because she helps bring in people because they like to watch the show she puts on. Not just because my tips have doubled. People may make fun. They might jest at her expense. But she's a kind soul. A kindred spirit. And I hope we give her a lot of happiness in this crazy world. And if we think our world is crazy on a daily basis, I can only imagine what her world is like. I hope we all never have to experience what it's like to be living in a hotel, sad, alone, and hopeless— with your only friend being a scary schizophrenic with a drinking problem.

I hope she's not just crazy. I hope she's insightful and tad psychic. I hope I am meant to do big things. I sure know that I dream big. Let's hope that her vision prevails on all levels.  I wouldn't mind being on a tour or down in Nashville holding my baby boy. I'm not picky.

Leaving On a Jetplane...

I need a getaway. I'm one of those people who tends to get incredibly restless after being in stuck in the same routine for too long. I also live in the northeast and it's not a secret how much I dislike the winter. I'd love to stay in the three seasons instead of the four; it's not all it's cracked up to be.

People tend to hate on me for taking vacations, but without a conventional job and without traditional babies to take care of, it's a tad easier for me to getaway than it is for most. As long as my shifts are covered, my boss approves, and I've got the funds, I start feeling the itch to run away for a bit. 

Unfortunately, I need to save money, so there's not exactly the extra funds for vacation time. The bad thing about not having a conventional job is that I don't get paid to take off. That, is one thing I'm jealous of from those nine to fivers. So, on top of having to save up money for vacation, we have to make sure the bills are covered too because I'm not making any money either during the away time. See haters, it's really not that easy!

I'd love to visit with one of my bests in California, but with an upcoming wedding I'm in and with trying to get some studio time, it's looking like I might not be able to get out there before her hubby and her move back East—possibly back East. I'd be really sad if I miss this opportunity to see her, so I'm going to try my hardest to be as frugal as possible so I can. It's been months since I've bought a dress or boots! Be impressed people.

It's looking like my next big trip will be to my favorite place—Nashville. I mean there's Hawaii and there's Aruba, but when I go to Nashville I feel like I'm home, not on vacation. I tend to go to places I love over and over again. Just like some people are with their favorite movies that they can watch over and over again without being bored. When I'm in Nashville I feel like I have the world I love at my fingertips. Everything I love surrounds me there. I can't wait to go again in June. I can't wait to enjoy the music, feel the freedom, and not have a worry in the world.

When I'm here, when I'm in our little house in New York, I can't help but feel like there's so much more I need to experience. I feel a need to just get away from life, from responsibilities, from work—basically from it all. Vacation gives me a sense of sanity in an insane world. I always get a tad jealous when people go away, but I always know that there's nothing like it in the world. There's nothing like experiencing a different life, even if it's only for 6days/7nights.

Memory Lane...

I've been journaling for years. Yes, I'm that dorky person. If you know me, that's not a big shock. But not in the typical way; it's always been poetry. It's always been lyrics. I remember writing what I thought was my first "song" when I was eight years-old. I remember hiding it in my closet in my diary because I used the word "love" and I knew my brothers would make fun of me if they found it. It's also a big part of why I haven't been blogging as much lately. When I have some sort of inspiration it's always in song; it hasn't just been to vent in prose form. I'm always hearing a rhythm.

For some reason tonight I decided to grab one of my notebooks from about seven years ago. It's insane to see the difference in my writing. To see the growth of poetry into lyrics. To see the kind of stuff i'm coming up with compared to back then. I've progressed a lot. I'm writing in more verse, chorus, bridge form. Pretty much everything I've been writing for the past three years has been to a song I hear in my head or at least a rhythm.

Back then I only wrote about things in my life. For the past few years I've been able to grow and write from other people's stories and other perspectives. I can hear something from a conversation and think, "man that'd make a great line." I think i'm going to use the old poetry and revamp them into songs. I can't even imagine what my 16 year old self wrote; I'm looking forward to taking a huge trip back on memory lane.

It's an amazing thing looking back on these writings. Reading about the things that were so important at the time, that have been lost to time. The moments that I was able to keep that otherwise would have been forgotten. And dammit they're going to make damn good country songs.

I've grown up so much in the past few years. Not just in age, but just in who I've become. That might seem like a dumb statement, but I'm definitely not the person I was at twenty-one. I'm still not sure if it's a good thing or a bad thing, but hopefully it's made me into a better songwriter. I kinda skipped the whole being a typical college student thing and the going out to bars thing; sometimes I need to be reminded that those aren't the memories I want to make, at least too often. I remember when I was a teenager my mother would tell me when I'd be upset over something that, "years from now, this won't matter to you and you won't even remember that it happened."


I might have my notebooks to remind me, but I guess she's right. Sadly though, I think we forget the good things too—like slow dancing when there's no music playing. We take things for granted and we focus on the shit of the moment we're in. We lose ourselves in moments that just don't matter in the grand scheme of things. We forget the things that drive us and sometimes we lose ourselves on this path called life.

I'm keeping my eyes wide open. I want to soak in all the moments in my life and write some amazing stuff. I figure if you have to have moments that break you emotionally or build you up to where you think you can take the moon out of orbit, there needs to be something memorable and productive that comes of it.

Having One of THOSE Moments...

I had a GREAT night last night. I was off from work and worked on music pretty much all night. I came home exhausted. Overwhelmed really with all the information that was thrown at my music partner and I. Where do we see ourselves in 6 months? Where do we see ourselves in 5 years? It's weird. I guess we just love writing the music and doing what we're passionate about, that we never thought about what we really wanted to do with the music when all is said and done. Do we want to be a duo? Do we want to perform live? Do we want to just try to sell? Are we going to record demo, an EP, or a full length? Do we want a producer? Do we want...? Just all overwhelming and extremely exciting. I'm starting to look into things deeper. I'm starting to feel very open and more positive to any experience that can come from it all.

It's also all very humbling. I've been around music practically my whole life. I was in band and chorus (yup, I was that type of dork growing up, and i'm very proud of it) from 3rd grade until 12th. But listening to people who live music talk, is just soooo humbling. I can read music. I can find my middle C on a piano and I could play you all the scales, but I don't "hear" what my partner hears. I can't say oh that's a "D" or that was played in this chord. I love music. I appreciate people who can do all that. Hopefully, being around it more and more I'll start to pick things up again or pick things up that I never had. When I hear a song on the radio I only really pay attention to the lyrics. Is that weird? Right now i'll just stick to being my dorky self with my notebook, headphones, and pen.

After about 5 hours of music last night, I felt so wired and excited about things to come and the decisions we have to make. To say the least, I couldn't sleep. I took a melatonin pill and I think it helped me a tad. Although I had a 4:30am wake up that I could have skipped because I was awake from that point on. Thank God for I Love Lucy episodes at 5am. They just never get old. But one thing kept running through my head. It's January and my birthday is in May, but for some reason I can't get it out of my head that i'm going to be 29 this year! I can't believe it. I can't believe how time is flying. I can't believe how fast it's all going by and I'm just trying to stay on top of it all. I don't think it helped that I saw that Cindy Crawford commercial for the miracle skin cream stuff she sells. I'm not going to lie, I bought it. I couldn't help it, for the first 500 callers it was a remarkable price of only $39.95! HaHa! I'm pretty sure once I fell back asleep and woke back up, I regretted buying it, but then again, I still woke up with this overwhelming feeling that thirty is just around the corner. I'd like to take thirty into a back alley somewhere and beat the shit out of it, but let's be honest, thirty would probably kick my ass. I'm a lover, not a fighter. Damn you twenty-nine! Damn you for sneaking up on me!

I've got so much going through my mind. I've got to find my track again. It'll happen. I hear God works in mysterious ways, but I'd love it if God was more of a showy out in the open kinda guy, but then again He was that way in the Old Testament and that was kinda scary. I guess I'll have to just keep the faith. He's always got a plan, right?

Hopefully, this Cindy Crawford stuff keeps me looking young enough to keep this journey going for a really really long time.

Bringing Sexy Back...

Okay, I'm making my way back to the gym! I'm pretty happy with that! I'm not going to lie, ten extra pounds does not make the elliptical any easier! Here's a "cheers" to getting those ten pounds off as soon as possible! I can't keep these pounds on and I can't get them off quick enough! I just feel uncomfy and that's just the worst feeling in the world. But my ass is in gear. Hopefully some lunges and squats will kick it into a higher and firmer gear. Summer is just around the corner and I'd like to show off. The moments that women love when it comes to their bodies are those moments when you're happy bathing suit shopping and when you're happy stark naked. I'm bringing sexy back. Indeed, sexy left for the winter.

Besides getting my ass to the gym, there are other things I need to do to keep the ball rolling on bringing sexy back.

I need to walk my dogs. Poor Stella hasn't even been on a leash. I'm pretty sure she'd absolutely love it. She loves being outdoors and just running like a crazy kid. And Luna has become a fatty. Shhhh, don't say it to her face, she'd be really upset about it, but she's become a chunkier like her mom has for the winter. My pups like to follow my lead. We all need some motivation.

I need to not eat at work. Ever. Stupid menu changes are so damn tasty and I can't help but indulge. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

I can't wait for the change in the weather. Why does nice weather always just feel extremely motivating? Maybe I should have followed one of my best friends to Florida or California. Hmmm. The nicer weather just sounds so fabulous. The idea of being in a bathing suit three hundred and sixty five days of the year is definitely motivating. Maybe someone I know needs to move to Hawaii. At least I always have great vacation destinations. But I'd rather just have my friends closer.

It's a Saturday and I'm off from work. I have no desire to go out. I have no desire to be social. All I want to do is watch some old movies and some soaps and drink really crappy, fabulous wine and take a melatonin to fall asleep early. How very Marilyn Monroe of me.

Motivation. Motivation. Motivation.

I gotta bring sexy back and better than ever.