Have You Ever...

Have you ever had something so set in your mind that when it doesn't happen you just feel so deflated?  So deflated that nothing else seems to matter?

Now, I'm not using this whole, "No, I'm not pregnant yet" thing as an excuse, but man does it drag on your mind...

I have a lot of people who tell me not to think about it, then I have others who tell me to have sex everyday with the hubby, then I have ones who tell me to use ovulation tests, and then others who say to go see a doctor...

It's hard not to think about something when your life has become almost centered around it; I'm planning to have a baby, so I'm not drinking, I'm eating right, and I'm taking prenatal vitamins— it's hard not to think about it.  The sex everyday thing is just not practical, although it may be... stimulating.  The ovulation tests, I think they'd be a last resort; the hubby and I really want to try to just enjoy ourselves and not just have sex to have a baby.  I definitely don't think we're at the point of needing to see a doctor. 

So, if we're not dead set on having sex to have a baby, then why am I bitching and complaining you ask?  I don't know, is the answer.  I guess it's just because I thought it would just happen.  Like I'd be one of those lucky women who just becomes pregnant on the first try.  Or at least the second.  I guess I just never really thought we'd have to try.  I thought, OK, we'll have sex and boom, baby.  I guess it's just not that simple.  And now that I can't get it out of my mind, it weighs on me every month.

Around July I was ready, get set, go on this baby thing.  I was taking prenatal vitamins for six months.  I graduated from college.  I was ready.  But maybe God knows better or has a bigger plan.  Maybe he knows I'm not?

Then why do I feel this emptiness every month?

After the first pregnancy test was negative I started to get a little depressed.  Depression for me equals weight gain.  I don't want to get off the couch, I stop exercising, and I don't eat as well.  So no baby, but baby weight?  That just doesn't seem right.

Finally, in the past few weeks I've got it out of my head that this no baby thing is what my life should be focused on.  I started walking again.  I started my workouts again.  And I've stopped eating processed crap and started eating real food.  All the stuff I should be doing and know that I should do.  It's strange how most dieters could write the book on how to be healthy and lose weight, but when it comes down to doing it, we struggle the most.  

I try to talk to the hubby about it and he tries to be supportive.  He is supportive.  But sometimes when you get depressed and someone wants to talk to you about how to improve your faults, you can't help but get defensive.  He knows what he's talking about, but is it a copout when I say that he doesn't understand because he's never struggled with food or that he's never been a woman?  I think it's all our crazy woman hormones that make this depression/weight thing more of a struggle.  Copout?  Maybe.

I'm thankful that I'm finally getting my head together.  But I'm not going to lie and say that it's not always going to be in the back of my mind.  But I need to start focusing on ME again and not on the possibility of a baby.  So here I am, waving the white flag and basically saying screw it!  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen— I'm done talking about it and I'm done thinking that something is wrong with me if I'm not a mother.  I want to be a mom, but I'm not going to make it the focus of my life unless I actually become one.  

I've tried to let go of the idea before, hopefully this time, it will stick.

The Beginning of Lent...

I'm Catholic and I'm not afraid to show it. Every year Catholics and other Christians around the world show that they indeed believe when they bear their ashes on their foreheads every Ash Wednesday. The ashes are basically a way of showing our repentance in an outwardly way. This Ash Wednesday I had to work, so of course I had to be questioned over and over again on what I had on my forehead. But I didn't mind. I'm not ashamed to be Catholic or to show it. And my priest isn't afraid to have us show it either. Some of us get to walk around with small crosses made of ash on our heads, but not my priest, he makes sure that everyone sees.

As part of Lent, I'm giving up a bad habit that has pretty much overtaken my work life: swearing. I didn't swear until I started bartending and now it's like second nature. It makes me sick! I try so hard to live a positive life, but working in the bar scene has made it hard for me to keep negative words out of my mouth. So I'm trying. Trying hard to not swear. I have a swear jar at work and at the end of Lent, I'm going to donate the money I have collected to the church. One dollar for every swear. So far I have $4 in the jar. I'm hoping, with all the positive thoughts in my body, to keep the number low. Granted I would love to give more to the church, but I really want to kick this bad habit. Granted my customers won't make it easy for me, but I'm going to really try over these next 40 days to keep my mind and my words on a positive path...

My next part of Lent is also beneficial to my well being. I'm going back to a pure diet and my mom is joining me in this new venture. Anyone else want to join? We're going shopping on Friday and taking weights and measurements. The one key thing to my pure diet is, NO WHITE! No white bread/pasta, no sugar, no processed foods. I'm at my happy weight. I love the weight I'm at, but I really want to start having the body that I want. I want to be firmer. Tighter. More energized. I'm making it a point to do at least 20 minutes of conscious exercise everyday. Whether it be my pilates dvd, a brisk walk/jog, or just some weights, I'm willing to make a true effort to get a little harder in all those places that jiggle just a little too much for my liking. Everyday. Everyday I'm going to work hard to at least get these 20 minutes in. Will you join me? Before you sit down on the couch or maybe after that little rest, make an effort to get up and move. The key to everything is doing something. Anything. I can't wait to start feeling the results. It only takes 11 days to start seeing real results. If we can't dedicate 11 days to ourselves then we really don't deserve to see the benefits. I'm willing to dedicate these next 40 days to sacrificing those sweets, that extra serving, or that piece of white bread, in order to show some self control. As Americans we've become so use to overindulgence and we really have forgotten how lucky we are. Now I'm going to prove something to myself and to my God. I'm going to prove that He is in control and that I am in control of the life that He has given me. He sacrificed everything. I know that I can do 40 days... maybe this will be the eye opening moment that I need in order to lead a lifetime of healthy years to come.