Already Feeling It...

I'm a ball of emotions.

I think everyone that knows me well, knows that i'm a very emotional person; I wear them on my sleeve. That's a given. I cry during a good commercial. I cry at an old picture. I cry at a song. A lot of songs. I cry at good times. I cry at sad times. I cry when I'm angry. Point is, I'm a cryer.

I'm already feeling a lot of love from the people that I love. One problem with crying is that I know it's in my genes, so it's not going to get easier. Not a doubt in my mind. My mom… bigger cryer. Well, maybe not, but definitely a bigger sneezer. She's not really hiding her emotions right now either. This is going to be hard. I cry.

Last night I felt the need to go to sleep early. My body needed it. I wanted to lay in bed with my husband for an entire night. There aren't a lot of days left to do that. I'm incredibly sad. It felt great just to fall asleep next to him and listen to him sleep. Problem with going to bed at the same time as him is that I also end up waking up around the same time he does. Four in the morning is not really a perfect start to my day, but I wanted to be up. I listened to him shave. I listened to him shower. I listened to every step of his morning routine and at one point I even thought about recording it with my phone for those times when I get sad. It's amazing to me that I'm going to miss his morning routine that I started to hate the second he took first shift at work. Now, I feel sad that I won't be in my house in New York to be woken up by him. To get angry because I'm awake at 4 a.m. because of his stupid work schedule. I cry.

You don't know what you've got til it's gone. I cry.

I feel bad for the dogs. They have a routine. Stella wakes me up in the morning to take her out. Luna won't get out of bed until she gets a belly rub. They go out. They poop. They pee. They run to the kitchen table to get their treat. They drink some water. They run to the living room rug to wrestle. Luna begs Stella to play more instead of chewing on her stick. I'm scared i'm going to ruin them. They're such good girls. They love their daddy so much. Now, because of my selfish dream, they're going to lose their full-time play partner. I feel so guilty. I cry.

I'm going to miss the people I work with. My girls. My kids. My customers. My friends. I cry.

I know from experience that even though I've worked with these people and that we have shared our lives together for the past eight and a half years, that the likelihood for us to continue being close, is pretty slim. It's sad, but true. We share our daily routines together. By doing so we bond. But once that routine is finished, it's hard to still stay close. I'll be replaced. Another coworker will become the person that they come to vent to. Another person will serve their drinks. Another person will make wise ass comments. I'll be a memory. I'll be apart of the conversation that starts, "Remember Dana…" Hopefully the conversation doesn't start, "Remember the bartender… what's her name… the one that wanted to sing…" I cry.

My life in my hometown has not been perfect. There have been points where I've hated it. Where I've thought to myself and then said out loud, "get me out of here before I lose my mind!" But I did lose my mind. I was always the one who was suppose to go. I always said to my mom that I couldn't wait to get out of here. That I had big dreams. That nothing would ever be worth staying. I found the one thing that was worth staying for. Unfortunately, he still couldn't keep me from wanting to live this dream. I wish I could have stopped wanting more than this town. He's helped me every step of the way. He's my biggest supporter. He's my biggest fan. He's my truest believer. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but I know he's more than I deserve. I cry.

Tonight I'm suppose to meet up with some work friends for a goodbye dinner. Before that, one of my best friends and I are going to meet. I'm really bad at goodbyes. A good friend wanted to buy me silverware for the new place, but because she's not feeling well, she handed me a check instead. I had to keep tears from welling up in my eyes, as I watched them well up in hers. It was far too generous. I got to my car. Hugged my dogs. I cry.

I've got four days of work left. The countdown is official. It's almost over. Never did I think that I'd actually be doing this. I've dreamed of it. But not like this. Definitely not like this. I have to have this split life. I have to have a huge missing piece in order for me to really pursue this dream. Ah, a dream. A dream that I've wanted since I first wrote down a poem about a boy I liked from church. And a boy I liked from school. Ever since my Grama told me to sing louder because if I didn't, no one would hear me. Ever since I'd stare at Grama sing in church. I knew I wanted this. I've just always been too scared to ever give it a shot. To disappoint myself. To disappoint others. I cry.

So, my eyes will be swollen for the next week or two. My last day at my job is Saturday. I'm terrified. Waterproof mascara is a must for the next week. I'm so sad. I'm so anxious. I'm so scared. I'm so excited. I'm so sad. I cry.

I haven't stopped crying yet. Please give me the strength to get through this and keep my promises. If I'm going to fall flat on my face, I'm going to do it in style and stay true to my word. I need to know that the heartache is worth it. As much as I started to hate this town, it's still nice to know that you can always come home. I cry.

Having a Few "Ah Ha" Moments...

I've been very reflective over the past few months.

Reflective on who I've become as a person; who I let myself become. To be honest, I was at a point where I truly hated myself. I stopped working out, I stopped eating right, and I stopped caring about anyone in my life, including myself. Nothing mattered.

Last year was really a bad year for me as a person. As a human being occupying space, I just didn't feel like I was adding anything good to the world. I just felt so much negativity around me. So many ghosts of the decisions I've made over the years. So many what ifs floating around and haunting my head. It's a scary thing when you decide to try to live a dream that seems like a huge stretch, a huge risk, a huge, "you're going to try to do whatttt?" from everyone in your life. You start to second guess yourself. You start to question your sanity. You start to say, I'm not good enough. Why am I going to risk everything for a dream? Why am I risking falling flat on my face and crawling back to my home town?

In my reflection I've realized it's worth it. Not worth the shit that got me to this decision, but this is what I have to do. I've had many late night conversations with my best friend. I've had many early morning conversations with my best friend. I've made decisions that will affect his life in a huge way. I feel so bad that I can't shake this feeling that music is what I have to do. That I'm not meant to be in this town still bar tending and watching my youth fade. He's so supportive in ways that one just wouldn't expect. He's the most encouraging person in the world. When I met him I had this dream of moving to Nashville, but I never went. Years later that dream is still haunting me and I started to resent the good life I have here. It's a hard pill to swallow when you know you have a pretty good life, but your dreams keep telling you to go for it, go for it, go for it… there's more, there's that place where you always dreamt of being.

I've been crying lately. Well, sobbing is more like it. I've been second guessing everything. All the wheels are in motion, and my countdown is on, but I'm terrified.

Is it bad that I want it all? I want a perfect life. I want to be happy at home AND happy with my job. Is it really too much to ask?

I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling determined. But I'm still beyond sad. In order to try for a dream, I have to leave another one. It's beyond heart wrecking.

My life has been pretty freaking fabulous. I've been beyond blessed. It's taken me having to reflect on this life to realize it. I'm scared of this new adventure. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm hopeful that I can have it all.

The Path Not Taken...

I'm feeling kinda crazy.

I'm going to take on this crazy, new adventure and I can't believe what I'm about to do.

Two weeks.

Holy shit.

I've been at my current job for over 8 years. A college graduate, magna cum laude, and I'm still bar-tending. Those people who say that money isn't everything, you really need to rethink that. Money makes the world go round is definitely a better saying.

I'm so anxious right now. For the first time in years, I won't have a job. To say the least, I'm terrified. I can't wait to get settled in and go job hunting. But to say I'm anything but terrified would be a lie. I know that I need to do this. I need to follow my dream. I have such an amazing support system. But that doesn't change the fact that for at least a few months I'll be in Nashville on my own.

I'm going to miss my husband. He's truly my best friend. I'm scared. I'm terrified to be without him. I know I have to do this. I know I have to try my hand at this.

There are too many musicians that I know who say that their biggest regret is that they never tried. I don't want to be saying that. Time is not on my side. But i'm still scared. This is a long shot. I'm taking a huge risk. I'm risking everything in my life that is good for a dream I've had for my entire life. Ever since I saw LeAnn Rimes perform when I was like ten or eleven. Damn her.

It was always a dream. Nothing more. I never thought i'd ever be crazy enough to try for it. I don't want to resent my life. It's a good life. But it's felt like something is missing. It's been missing music. My music. Our music.

Two weeks from today we'll be on the road to our Nashville town home. I'm freaking out. Not from excitement, but from sheer fear of the unknown. God please treat me well. I don't deserve your prayers for something so trivial, but please help me on this new path; I know I'll need some sanity in the next few months.

They say dream big. I'm following a dream that is bigger than anything I ever thought possible. Wish Amy and I luck, she'll be following suit in June. Say prayers. Help me realize this path that I never thought was possible.

So Why Pearls & Poison...

In this world there are very few things that I love more than writing.

I'm not the best writer. I don't even write everyday. I'm not the most observant of grammar. I have never really cared. It has always been about the feeling. The ability to put what I need to say down on paper. Down somewhere. Let's be honest, sometimes my iPhone is a lot more handy than a pen and pad. But it has to go somewhere so it can get out of my head and stop haunting me in the middle of the night or in the middle of conversations. Words. Ideas. Melodies. Just the flow of something that I feel needs to be said. Something that hasn't been said the way that I need to say it.

There are so many songs about love. There are so many songs about heartache. But they aren't my songs. They aren't the words that keep me up at night. They aren't my feelings. They aren't my observations.

But this is what scares me. When people see my words, i'm afraid that they automatically feel that it's MY life i'm writing about. Well, in a way it is. But they're not always verbatim. I do have a creative mind. I do elaborate. I do put more into my words than just my personal feelings or just my observations. Please, don't feel sorry for me when you read my words. Feel happy for me that I was able to put them on to paper to make you feel that sorrow. To make you say, "that made me want to cry" or "Oh my God Dana, did that really happen?" 

People ask us constantly, well, men ask us constantly, "so, which one is pearls and which one is poison?" — my answer, neither and both. We write love songs. We write breakup songs. The ups, the downs, the joy and the heartache. That's what Pearls & Poison is about. That's what it means. We write about that moment when the gifts come, when everything is perfect and then we write about when it all falls apart in one way or another. There's always that moment in every relationship when you just wish the other person would just disappear; even just for a second. That's the poison. It's either that thought that crosses your mind, or that moment when you want to just scream for that person to just have never stepped foot into your life. It's the craziness between the two extremes. The love and the hate. The pearls and the poison.

I love writing. It keeps me sane. It's my outlet. But it's not my life to a tee. I do kinda consider myself creative. My husband gets mad sometimes when a song comes. He's never understood the writing part. To him they're just words on a page. He doesn't understand. When I listen to a song, I only hear the words. The music part comes later for me. The words are what pull me in. People relate. They know that not everything can always be flowers, hearts, and roses. The shit happens, and if no one else will write about it, I damn well will.

So please don't feel sorry for me when you hear our songs. It's my therapy. It's my ability to see how your relationships are going too. So, if you find me watching your interactions one day, or counting on my fingers as I have a pen in hand or my iPhone, there's probably a song being written, and it might just be about you, not me. There's no better feeling than when it just clicks. I'm so glad that I can make you feel emotional. I hope I always can.

So Amazing…

Friday night was just incredible.

It was incredibly humbling and I felt so blessed.

Every once in awhile when you feel alone, that people think you're crazy, and that no one believes in your big dreams, God shows you that you are completely wrong in thinking so.

Friday we played at the bar that I've been bar tending at for 8 years. Most people who frequent the place know that I have big dreams to be a singer/songwriter, but some still haven't heard me sing. Between karaoke and jumping in on a Patsy Cline song with one of our regular musicians, you'd think that almost everyone has heard me by now, but they haven't! So, when I booked our gig at my home bar I still really wasn't expecting everyone to come out. You know how it is when everyone promises to come and see you play; that they wouldn't miss it for the world, but then, no one shows up, well that was exactly what I was expecting. I was so wrong!

The night started off with just a few family members and then more family members. We were happy to see that, but then about two songs in, it happened! The place started getting packed! Call it good timing with the holiday season or call it good promotion on my part, but man I couldn't believe it. Six o'clock on a Friday night and there was standing room only and a wait list at the door. Everyone was asking the hostess if they could be seated where they could see the band. I couldn't believe my eyes. It was unbelievable and the best feeling in the world. Talk about feeling famous in a small-town!

A Little Christmas Spirit...

The past few months have been a tad hectic to say the least.

Have I thought about blogging? Well, no not really. But every once in awhile the feeling strikes me to start up my blog again. But let's face it, I get lazy and I start to think of how unimportant my little stamp in the blog world really is. Life is life and sometimes people really don't want to see pictures of your dogs, your clothes, or your significant other. We all like to put our best foot forward when we blog. We also don't like to show things that we might be scared of or things that we are scared to put out there. So, that's why blogging hasn't been priority number one for me. I've actually been pretty busy with life. My life with music. We've been playing gigs and getting paid! What a feeling that is. We have a gig tomorrow night that I'm looking forward to; it's the first time that my brothers will be home and hear what I'm doing. I'm beyond excited!

The new year will be pretty damn good. I'm convincing myself of that…

I can't wait to get our little demo done for Pearls & Poison. It's the highlight of everything in my life right now and I've made huge promises that I really hope to keep. I'm hoping I can become someone who doesn't just dream, but does. I've got big aspirations along with my music partner, and I really feel like we've got what it takes to keep moving to the top. But with big dreams comes big risks. I'm scared out of my mind. I'm willing to put that out there. I can't believe that I've been dreaming of writing music and singing for so many years and I always thought it was something that I was suppose to do. I always thought that eventually that dream would change over time and I'd get more "realistic." But I guess when you're suppose to do something, it just doesn't go away. I hope I'm right. 

The Bluebird Cafe...

I'm still in shock.

I can't believe that we played at The Bluebird Cafe.

Amy and I made a trip down to Nashville and decided that we would put our names in the hat and try to get in on the lottery for the Monday night open mic night.

We arrived our two hours early. Amy got on line and I parked our little wind up toy rental car.

It was cold. It was wet. It was snowy.

I found us some amazing hot apple cider; It still didn't help against the sting of the cold snow. I really wasn't expecting to feel snow like that down there, but I'm pretty sure it just followed me from New York. We all know how much I just love snow.

Thankfully the snowy night worked in our favor. We were in. We got to play. I was so beyond nervous because this has been a dream of mine for so many years. It didn't exactly go as planned, but let me tell you, I wouldn't change it for the world...

I was so nervous when our number to play started getting close. I was texting my hubby the whole time and he was so excited for me; he knew this was a dream come true. We knew that we'd sing our song "Lost Chances" but for some reason, even though it's our most comfortable song, my nerves just wouldn't' go away. But I keep trying to remind myself that if I'm not nervous i'm not ready…

 To say the least, we have such an awesome story to tell when we make it big! I chatted up the crowd a little while introducing ourselves, but then we started and everything felt so right. Then all of a sudden Amy stopped strumming the chords. I immediately thought that she broke a string and in my head I just laughed, like,  this is what would happen… but it got even better. Amy dropped her pick… no, not on the floor, in her guitar! Thankfully, it was endearing and completely funny! We both handled it so well, just like old hat! Once Amy scanned the room for a new one, we continued on like nothing happened. It feel like our first time at the Bluebird couldn't have gone any better.

You'll have to watch the video to see! And since I can't seem to upload it, you'll have to check out our Facebook page.  Search for "Pearls & Poison."

Then we made a night of it and hit up the Gaylord Opryland, I had to take Amy there- there's nothing like it around Christmas time. We had horrible flights and a moment at the Bluebird that definitely could have gone a little smoother, but in the end, we bonded more and had a little inside look on what our lives will be like when we're there one day! What a perfect getaway!

My 29th Year...

My birthday has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. I felt such a massive build up over turning 29 this year; it's the year before the big 3-0 so of course, as a woman, it's suppose to mean something. I completely fall into this category of women who believe that all things in life need to be accomplished by this age milestone; Marriage, Family, Career.

However, at the age of 29 I've decided that instead of focusing on all of these things, I really have only one thing that I really need to concentrate on: My happiness.

I don't know where we lose this. Where we lose the concept that our lives need to revolve around the needs of others and not on our own needs as human beings. I've had a long year of reflection this past year and I have to say I'm not happy with all of the decisions I've made, but my sometimes in my moments of clarity I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had one of my friends from high school message me while I was in Nashville and I have to say, it brought tears to my eyes. We use to be inseparable back in high school. The older I get, seeing her successes and hopes and dreams makes me excited.

"so...i don't know if you know/believe in the saturn returns...but it turns out it starts around 29 instead of 27 like i orginally thought...which gives me hope because I see you are on a new path and I think I am too...and it bodes well for us both because we can make our dreams come true now!! so that might have been lame, but i hope you enjoy nashville and keep going for your dreams and you and I can laugh and one day remember way back when our journeys to the top!! 

It's amazing what age does and how it changes the desires of your soul. Three of us friends had dreams of making it big, I'm still hoping those dreams come true.

My lyrics have grown through my struggles and through my new sense of creativity. Not only can I write from my own perspective, but my creative side is just overflowing with ideas lately. I've never felt so proud of the work I've done, like the work I'm putting out now. I have such a huge desire to succeed at music. I'm taking lessons. I'm entering contests. I feel proud. Finally.

I'm still struggling with the guitar, but I struggle with everything that I don't feel at home with. If it's out of my comfort zone, I tend to shy away from things instead of pursuing it further. I don't know why I still have a sense that people will judge my passions instead of accepting them. It's a hard struggle when the thing you love in life is the same as so many others. When you're not the only game in town, it's hard to make yourself stand out. Hopefully, with my writing and singing partner by my side, we can do just that. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm excited.

Please Check Out "Pearls and Poison"

I hope you like some of the stuff you hear. Hopefully, this summer will include some pictures and some more originals and covers. I feel renewed and reinvented. I feel hopeful.

https://www.facebook.com/PearlsAndPMusic