A Rocky Road...

I've been avoiding this post.

I've been dreading telling any story that doesn't include rainbows and butterflies. Don't we all just love a story with rainbows and butterflies? We all love the good stuff. The happy ending. The perfect start. Yet, my journey to Nashville has definitely not had the best of times.

I had a great send off from my friends and my family back home. I was humbled and felt so incredibly blessed at everyone's generosity. I truly feel like there was no other way to leave my home town. From my friends who surprised me with house-warming gifts to my coworkers who surprised me with a going away cake and cards; it all was just overwhelming. A night that lasted until 4:30 a.m. and I wouldn't have changed a second of it. I was exhausted and so filled with emotion. I fought it for so long, but I am so loved, and I love my life at home. Right now, I miss it. I will toughen up. I will gain my footings here in Nashville, but right now, I just feel, overwhelmed. And not in a good way.

After a fourteen hour car ride from New York, which included several bathroom stops for the puppies and me, we arrived. We got into town and bought the essentials from Publix (man, I miss Shop Rite) and then headed to our townhouse. I was so excited because before Amy and I left in November, I unpacked everything and had it all ready for my arrival come January. When we walked in the door, something didn't feel right. The light in the entry was the only one on, but I could tell that things looked a little off. At least from what I thought I remembered from November. I said to my husband, "someone's been in here, I know that I left things perfect when I left." He thought that maybe the builders came in again. I still knew something wasn't right. Why would the builders open all my stuff?

He told me to take the pups out and get them familiar with the area and that we'd call in the morning. He headed upstairs, I headed outside. The next door neighbor asked me if this was my place. When I answered yes, she preceded to tell me that my place was broken into three weeks earlier. I immediately shut down. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything as she proceeded to tell me that the cops were there and that my HOA had been notified, but no one notified me. I thanked her. I walked inside. I started to tell my husband and then just lost it.

He was upstairs while I was outside and realized that I was right. My bedroom was ransacked too. My hope chest was broken into. I started to be beyond hysterical. I was mad at myself for locking the hope chest. I was mad at myself for moving my stuff in early. I felt like Rose from The Golden Girls during season one; "The Break In" was one of those episodes that I could never relate to. Until now. I get it. I get how you can feel so incredibly violated. I was so exhausted when we first got to the house and all I wanted to do was take a shower and fall asleep. Not a chance now. Between my outbursts of tears, waiting for the cops to come and dust for prints, and waiting for someone to come and put a piece of plywood over my broken window, I just couldn't think about sleeping. All I could think of was, what a welcome. Is this how my life in Nashville is going to start? It was heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking. I had to wash my sheets again. I just felt like my place was so incredibly dirty. It felt so sad. The house just still doesn't feel like a home. They stole my Grama's coins, but that was really it. Honestly, they weren't very smart burglars because I had stuff that was worth money that they didn't look twice at. I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful for stupid, uneducated burglars. It made me smile when they searched through my boxes which held my wedding bands. I saved the boxes for sentimental reasons. I bet they thought they hit the jackpot. Jackasses.

If it wasn't for my husband being by my side, I would have left. I would have stayed in a hotel for the night and then drove back to New York the next day. I'm so thankful for him. He kept me sane. He cried with me. He cried for me. He kept me from hyperventilating.

I guess this was the push I needed to get a security system put in as soon as possible. I couldn't afford it. But the gun by my pillow just isn't enough. I'm still waiting on my new window to be put in. The builders wanted to charge me over a thousand dollars: "Well, we have to take the siding off and then replace the whole unit." I told them that I'd look around (my home owner's insurance deductible is a thousand dollars). I was told the glass itself couldn't be replaced. I couldn't believe that. So I searched. I googled. I found. Someone came out and it's going to cost me $360. I don't have the money. I don't have a job yet, but at this point, although I hate it, credit cards might just save my sanity.

It's been a rough first week here. My husband left on Thursday and I have to say it was the hardest day I think I've ever experienced. I've never felt so alone. This doesn't feel like a vacation anymore. It's feeling so real. This decision is becoming very real. And very hard.

I'm hoping this will get easier. I know it has to. It's just such an uncomfortable feeling to not have a job. I miss working. I can't believe I just said that. I miss my job. I miss my friends. I miss my coworkers. I miss the bullshit. Sigh. This will get better. Today was probably one of the best days that I've had so far, besides the day out I had with David Nail Girl . I'm signed up for the YMCA and I swam today for a half hour. It felt amazing. It also reminded me on how out of shape I am. It's official. I need to get my shit together. Every inch of me hurts. I love it. I'm looking forward to going to sleep and waking up to swim and job search. It's a new day soon. I'm thankful that I'll be able to greet it.

Please continue your prayers. I know that they are there. I feel the love. I feel incredibly blessed still. I just need God to stop trying to test me. But as someone told me, God wants to see how bad I want it, that's why he's trying me. I'm up for the challenge. I've got faith.

Already Feeling It...

I'm a ball of emotions.

I think everyone that knows me well, knows that i'm a very emotional person; I wear them on my sleeve. That's a given. I cry during a good commercial. I cry at an old picture. I cry at a song. A lot of songs. I cry at good times. I cry at sad times. I cry when I'm angry. Point is, I'm a cryer.

I'm already feeling a lot of love from the people that I love. One problem with crying is that I know it's in my genes, so it's not going to get easier. Not a doubt in my mind. My mom… bigger cryer. Well, maybe not, but definitely a bigger sneezer. She's not really hiding her emotions right now either. This is going to be hard. I cry.

Last night I felt the need to go to sleep early. My body needed it. I wanted to lay in bed with my husband for an entire night. There aren't a lot of days left to do that. I'm incredibly sad. It felt great just to fall asleep next to him and listen to him sleep. Problem with going to bed at the same time as him is that I also end up waking up around the same time he does. Four in the morning is not really a perfect start to my day, but I wanted to be up. I listened to him shave. I listened to him shower. I listened to every step of his morning routine and at one point I even thought about recording it with my phone for those times when I get sad. It's amazing to me that I'm going to miss his morning routine that I started to hate the second he took first shift at work. Now, I feel sad that I won't be in my house in New York to be woken up by him. To get angry because I'm awake at 4 a.m. because of his stupid work schedule. I cry.

You don't know what you've got til it's gone. I cry.

I feel bad for the dogs. They have a routine. Stella wakes me up in the morning to take her out. Luna won't get out of bed until she gets a belly rub. They go out. They poop. They pee. They run to the kitchen table to get their treat. They drink some water. They run to the living room rug to wrestle. Luna begs Stella to play more instead of chewing on her stick. I'm scared i'm going to ruin them. They're such good girls. They love their daddy so much. Now, because of my selfish dream, they're going to lose their full-time play partner. I feel so guilty. I cry.

I'm going to miss the people I work with. My girls. My kids. My customers. My friends. I cry.

I know from experience that even though I've worked with these people and that we have shared our lives together for the past eight and a half years, that the likelihood for us to continue being close, is pretty slim. It's sad, but true. We share our daily routines together. By doing so we bond. But once that routine is finished, it's hard to still stay close. I'll be replaced. Another coworker will become the person that they come to vent to. Another person will serve their drinks. Another person will make wise ass comments. I'll be a memory. I'll be apart of the conversation that starts, "Remember Dana…" Hopefully the conversation doesn't start, "Remember the bartender… what's her name… the one that wanted to sing…" I cry.

My life in my hometown has not been perfect. There have been points where I've hated it. Where I've thought to myself and then said out loud, "get me out of here before I lose my mind!" But I did lose my mind. I was always the one who was suppose to go. I always said to my mom that I couldn't wait to get out of here. That I had big dreams. That nothing would ever be worth staying. I found the one thing that was worth staying for. Unfortunately, he still couldn't keep me from wanting to live this dream. I wish I could have stopped wanting more than this town. He's helped me every step of the way. He's my biggest supporter. He's my biggest fan. He's my truest believer. He's not perfect, I'm not perfect, but I know he's more than I deserve. I cry.

Tonight I'm suppose to meet up with some work friends for a goodbye dinner. Before that, one of my best friends and I are going to meet. I'm really bad at goodbyes. A good friend wanted to buy me silverware for the new place, but because she's not feeling well, she handed me a check instead. I had to keep tears from welling up in my eyes, as I watched them well up in hers. It was far too generous. I got to my car. Hugged my dogs. I cry.

I've got four days of work left. The countdown is official. It's almost over. Never did I think that I'd actually be doing this. I've dreamed of it. But not like this. Definitely not like this. I have to have this split life. I have to have a huge missing piece in order for me to really pursue this dream. Ah, a dream. A dream that I've wanted since I first wrote down a poem about a boy I liked from church. And a boy I liked from school. Ever since my Grama told me to sing louder because if I didn't, no one would hear me. Ever since I'd stare at Grama sing in church. I knew I wanted this. I've just always been too scared to ever give it a shot. To disappoint myself. To disappoint others. I cry.

So, my eyes will be swollen for the next week or two. My last day at my job is Saturday. I'm terrified. Waterproof mascara is a must for the next week. I'm so sad. I'm so anxious. I'm so scared. I'm so excited. I'm so sad. I cry.

I haven't stopped crying yet. Please give me the strength to get through this and keep my promises. If I'm going to fall flat on my face, I'm going to do it in style and stay true to my word. I need to know that the heartache is worth it. As much as I started to hate this town, it's still nice to know that you can always come home. I cry.

Having a Few "Ah Ha" Moments...

I've been very reflective over the past few months.

Reflective on who I've become as a person; who I let myself become. To be honest, I was at a point where I truly hated myself. I stopped working out, I stopped eating right, and I stopped caring about anyone in my life, including myself. Nothing mattered.

Last year was really a bad year for me as a person. As a human being occupying space, I just didn't feel like I was adding anything good to the world. I just felt so much negativity around me. So many ghosts of the decisions I've made over the years. So many what ifs floating around and haunting my head. It's a scary thing when you decide to try to live a dream that seems like a huge stretch, a huge risk, a huge, "you're going to try to do whatttt?" from everyone in your life. You start to second guess yourself. You start to question your sanity. You start to say, I'm not good enough. Why am I going to risk everything for a dream? Why am I risking falling flat on my face and crawling back to my home town?

In my reflection I've realized it's worth it. Not worth the shit that got me to this decision, but this is what I have to do. I've had many late night conversations with my best friend. I've had many early morning conversations with my best friend. I've made decisions that will affect his life in a huge way. I feel so bad that I can't shake this feeling that music is what I have to do. That I'm not meant to be in this town still bar tending and watching my youth fade. He's so supportive in ways that one just wouldn't expect. He's the most encouraging person in the world. When I met him I had this dream of moving to Nashville, but I never went. Years later that dream is still haunting me and I started to resent the good life I have here. It's a hard pill to swallow when you know you have a pretty good life, but your dreams keep telling you to go for it, go for it, go for it… there's more, there's that place where you always dreamt of being.

I've been crying lately. Well, sobbing is more like it. I've been second guessing everything. All the wheels are in motion, and my countdown is on, but I'm terrified.

Is it bad that I want it all? I want a perfect life. I want to be happy at home AND happy with my job. Is it really too much to ask?

I'm feeling motivated. I'm feeling determined. But I'm still beyond sad. In order to try for a dream, I have to leave another one. It's beyond heart wrecking.

My life has been pretty freaking fabulous. I've been beyond blessed. It's taken me having to reflect on this life to realize it. I'm scared of this new adventure. I'm terrified. I'm excited. I'm hopeful that I can have it all.

Are We There Yet?

I'm not going to lie, I've without a doubt disappeared from the blogging world. I haven't only stopped blogging, but I haven't read a blog in about 6 months either. I just lost all touch with a lot of things in my life. I've been overwhelmed and underwhelmed. I've been completely lost. I'd like to say that I've had a quarter-life crisis because it sounds really cool, but I'm 28 now and I'm pretty sure it's not a quarter of my life; unless of course I become a health nut and live into my hundreds like those old people in Japan. One can only hope right?

I'm a hopeless romantic and I'm a big dreamer.  My blog name has a lot to do with those dreams. I'm always striving to be "there"— that place where one envisions themselves being at the point that they'll be most happy in their life.

Just a commercial that makes me smile because I always think of "There" - courtesy of Mercedes-Benz

I want that place; I've always wanted that place where I can have everything. I'm incredibly selfish when it comes to that I guess.  I want it all.

I've had this dream since I was about 16 to write music. It's my passion. Writing is my passion. I went to college for Journalism and to be honest, it's just not my thing; even going through those classes I knew, I knew it wasn't really what I wanted to do, but we all do things and finish things to just get through the day and hopefully move on to the next step in life. That's what college was for me. It was passing the time. It was educational and honestly I found it enjoyable. I liked the deadlines. I liked being under pressure on no sleep. It was intense sometimes and I loved it.

I don't have that anymore. I don't have that pressure and I've completely lost that drive that I had even just a few years ago when I was in college. I live off of that. At least I did. Now, I just feel like a lost soul trying to find its' place in this world.

But things are coming together, even when everything sometimes feels like it's falling a part at the same time.  Does that sound confusing or do you completely understand what I mean? If you understand me, then maybe you know exactly where I'm coming from.

Sometimes everything that we dream of comes true.

Sometimes our dreams change and we have new dreams.

Sometimes our dreams get crossed and we get lost along the way because we're not sure if we can live both dreams simultaneously.

Around August I started writing music with a girl named Amy. She's young and she's a sweet heart and she's inanely talented. She also thought that I was like 23— God bless her.

I absolutely love the stuff that we've been coming up with together. It feels serendipitous. I've never felt so comfortable showing my words to someone and having someone just "get it." You can show words on a page to anyone and all they see are words and can't see it as a song. This girl can see the song. She can feel my feelings and make a melody out of it. It's kinda perfect. I'm giddy.

We're heading into the studio in February to record some of our stuff. I'm excited and yet scared out of my mind. But I can't wait to hear the result. I can't wait to start trying to figure out how to sell things. I need to figure out how to copy right and how to sell our demo. I guess I need to get on top of these things.

It's insane what we're trying to make a reality.

This is my childhood dream. I'm pretty sure this is hers too.

Sometimes my life feels like it's in a whirlwind. I'm so up and down and all over the place. I'm thankful to have friends, new and old, who are attempting to keep me sane. I don't know what I would do without a "Thinking of You" card and call from Florida, or a text message from California or Philly. My Golden Girl and I always pick up where we left off and if something happens in our lives we're always the first to know. We have all been through a lot in the past year. Lives are changing so fast. We've lost loved ones, we've gained new loves either in relationships or in forms of babies, and we've been with each other every step of the way. A vacation to brag about, a new job, a birth, someone sending flowers when you feel down and out, or even a new friend knowing that sometimes you just need to gossip and have a glass of wine in order to get through the next few days, weeks, months, or years.

I have to say, I don't have a huge group of close friends, but those that I hold close and trust are so dear to me and I wouldn't know what to do without them. As cheesy as it sounds, and I've said it before, I'm so thankful for the iPhone.

I refuse to believe that people can't have it all. I think that one can live their childhood dream and live the dreams that have already become reality. I want it all.  I want to be selfish. I want to have my cake and eat it too (I've never really understood that saying, who would want cake without eating it?!).

I'm going to blog again. I love blogging and I miss it. I've just been in a rut and then in more of a rut. I'm hoping to get my ass out of it in every way. I want to focus on the things that have made me happy, but that I've lost sight of in the mess of every day life. For the few that read this, I hope you continue to again. I'll try not to disappoint and be all rutty again, instead I'll focus on being moony.