The More You Know...

My family is pretty amazing. We all live in different parts of the country, yet we still try to be there for each other when it counts and even just to give each other a little well needed shit talk; like when your hated football team, which happens to be your brother's favorite, wins the Superbowl.

I'd say I consider myself lucky, but I know that there are tons of families that are much closer than ours. But we do have one constant: Our mother. She's not only the leader of our family and the glue that ties us together, but she is the voice of reason and reassurance when times get tough and we all need a little piece of home. She has proven time and time again, that she will sacrifice for us, and I hope she always knows how appreciated that really is.

Moving to Tennessee, so far, has not felt like the best decision of my life, but I keep moving forward because I know that my mom is proud of my decision and that she keeps the faith for me, even when I get down on myself about the progress of things. From having my place broken into, to working at a job that I don't exactly love, my mom is there to tell me to keep going and that everything happens for a reason.

My brother that lives in Florida had a rough patch for the start of 2015. His place was broken into and a lot of stuff was stolen, but on top of that, both his partners and his car were stolen. To say the least, it was not the New Years start that they were looking to have. But his friends, who have also become his family, came together to help them out and give them a start at a new normal in their new home. Sometimes it takes a lot of shit to realize the light at the end of the tunnel. My brother is like George Bailey in It's a Wonderful Life, he wants so much to change his hometown, but he's got so much wealth from the love of his family and friends. He will never be pour.

My oldest brother that lives in Vermont has amazed me time and time again. We've been talking more  now that he's in the world of the iPhone. I like getting to know the man he has become since he left home at eighteen. The fact that he has become such an amazing, hands on guy, that has so much knowledge and skill about how to fix things and do things around the house, without having someone ever teach him the way, just makes me feel so proud. He says he had no choice. But he did. He could have chosen to wallow in the fact that he didn't have a man to look up to in his life, but instead, he chose to be a better man. He found a woman who loves him and understands him, and as I've said to him, hopefully life will get easier, but he has a wife to hold at the end of the night when times feel too tough to handle. He is blessed. Sometimes the shitty things in life are the things that make you stronger and make you want more than the status quo.

My brothers have turned out to be pretty amazing men. If you asked me in my early years what I thought of them, I probably would have told you that I hated them. But hey, they were throwing gum in my hair and jumping off the "top turnbuckle" to attack me. There wasn't much I loved about them as a kid. They still give me shit. They still pick on me. They still treat me like their little sister. But I know that they love me now, it just took me awhile to realize it. I'm still mom's favorite.

A Start...

Thankfully, things feel like they're looking up.

Today, I happily had my last day of training and I'm thrilled to say that I am now gainfully employed in downtown Nashville at Pucketts. It's a great restaurant that I've actually enjoyed going to on two of my trips. My friend Lauren and I both commented in August how it'd be such a cool place to work. Live music and good food. The place always seems to be busy. I'm excited to get some socialization that doesn't include talking to my pups and the people who work there are mostly fellow musicians in one aspect or another.

After a few weeks of feeling so overwhelmed with anxiety because I didn't have a job yet, I think it's crazy that I find myself wanting to be home because of the guilt I feel leaving my pups alone all day. To me, they'll never just be dogs, they're my kids.  Geeze, I'm such a homebody. I miss home. One of my bests would love to know that as I drive home at the end of my shift, I think to myself, there's no place like home... I miss my home in New York and I miss my home in Tennessee where my babies are waiting for me. There's no feeling like the sheer love you get from pups (or cats) that just love you because you love them. They want nothing from you, but they give so much.

I'm not going to lie, I'm beyond exhausted everyday because of this job. I know I just need to get into a new routine, but man mornings are incredibly hard to adjust to when you're use to going to sleep at 3 a.m.— Five thirty wake ups are insane to me. Even the pups know that there is nothing right with waking up that early. People say your body adjusts. I hope they're right because I feel like the walking dead every morning. I don't think a coffee IV would even help.

Another bright note is that my window is fixed. Finally, it's fixed. I can open my blinds and let some sunshine in now. It's kinda nice. Even though I have the security system and I'm sure a piece of plywood helps more than glass against thrown rocks, there's something about having that window fixed. I think it's brought me back to what I hope will be a new normal here. I feel safer with it fixed. Even though a few hours before it was fixed my neighbor knocked on my door to let me know to stay inside because there were four cop cars at the end of my road, a helicopter flying overhead, and a canine unit in our backyard because another house was broken into. This makes four houses in my facility since mine was broken into. The crazy thing is, it's a really safe area. I think people are getting desperate. Luckily, this time the culprits were seen so apparently there's a description out there. I feel safe though. Is that strange? All the crap going on, and I feel safe. Is it the alarm system? I don't know. Is it my gun? I don't know. I just know that I'm not scared like I was on that night when the hubby and I first walked in to the ransacked place. I think it's because I'm not letting them win. Fuck them. I won't let them scare me or violate my new home. Punks.

Agonizing…

Do people choose to be unemployed? 

I know that there are those who lose jobs or are just down on their luck, but I really believe that some people really enjoy being unemployed. I, my friends, am not one of those people. Some people like to work the system. Some people enjoy a lifestyle that allows them to not work. I can't say that even if I had the funds, that I would choose not to work. I hate not working. It's really my only social interaction. I hear of women who just want to have an adult conversation when their only interaction is with their children; my only interaction right now is with my pups. I'm going kind of crazy.

My sanity right now lies solely at the YMCA right now. Is that cheesy? Does it make you feel like singing the song? Yea, me either. But I figured I'd give it a go. 

I'm really having a hard time getting motivated. I literally have no money to go out and socialize. I feel like I'm 19 again and living in Manhattan, broke as a joke. My one big splurge was on signing up for the Y. I had to. It's on my credit card and I really don't regret the purchase because it gives me a place to feel free. I love swimming. I haven't been swimming in so long and I've forgotten how much I truly love it. Feeling every part of your body working and moving towards a goal. I see the end of the pool coming, I do my turn, I hit the wall, I push off, and I swim back to just do it again and again. It's so freeing. It's so empowering. When I'm swimming I forget for that little bit of time that I don't have a job, or that my brand new dishwasher doesn't work. 

It's the worst feeling as a woman to know that you can't fix something. I can't make the water drain from my dishwasher, or make the detergent release, but I can pick up a phone and call the repair guy. Thankfully, hopefully, whatever the problem is, it's under warrantee. I hate always feeling like I need a handyman around. Eventually, I want to replace the contractor's ugly lights, eventually I want to paint, but I can't reach to the top of the walls… it all takes money. It all takes a man. It sucks.

I am proud of myself for hanging pictures on my own. I needed to. I can't get to the walls yet because I don't have a ladder tall enough to reach the top, and let's face it, the thought of being up on a ladder that high terrifies me, so I had to get some artwork on the walls. I had to make this place feel somewhat homey. Especially after the break-in. I needed this place to feel like home. I wanted it girly. I wanted it to remind me of my youth, who I am today, and who I want to be. I think I accomplished what I was setting out to do.

I've got nothing to do right now but put in resumes and finish unpacking. I want this place to have some sense of normal. But it's becoming really hard. They say day by day it will get easier. I'm just wondering when Tennessee will start feeling like home. Is it possible that I actually miss my hometown? Who would have thought it.

A Rocky Road...

I've been avoiding this post.

I've been dreading telling any story that doesn't include rainbows and butterflies. Don't we all just love a story with rainbows and butterflies? We all love the good stuff. The happy ending. The perfect start. Yet, my journey to Nashville has definitely not had the best of times.

I had a great send off from my friends and my family back home. I was humbled and felt so incredibly blessed at everyone's generosity. I truly feel like there was no other way to leave my home town. From my friends who surprised me with house-warming gifts to my coworkers who surprised me with a going away cake and cards; it all was just overwhelming. A night that lasted until 4:30 a.m. and I wouldn't have changed a second of it. I was exhausted and so filled with emotion. I fought it for so long, but I am so loved, and I love my life at home. Right now, I miss it. I will toughen up. I will gain my footings here in Nashville, but right now, I just feel, overwhelmed. And not in a good way.

After a fourteen hour car ride from New York, which included several bathroom stops for the puppies and me, we arrived. We got into town and bought the essentials from Publix (man, I miss Shop Rite) and then headed to our townhouse. I was so excited because before Amy and I left in November, I unpacked everything and had it all ready for my arrival come January. When we walked in the door, something didn't feel right. The light in the entry was the only one on, but I could tell that things looked a little off. At least from what I thought I remembered from November. I said to my husband, "someone's been in here, I know that I left things perfect when I left." He thought that maybe the builders came in again. I still knew something wasn't right. Why would the builders open all my stuff?

He told me to take the pups out and get them familiar with the area and that we'd call in the morning. He headed upstairs, I headed outside. The next door neighbor asked me if this was my place. When I answered yes, she preceded to tell me that my place was broken into three weeks earlier. I immediately shut down. I didn't cry. I didn't do anything as she proceeded to tell me that the cops were there and that my HOA had been notified, but no one notified me. I thanked her. I walked inside. I started to tell my husband and then just lost it.

He was upstairs while I was outside and realized that I was right. My bedroom was ransacked too. My hope chest was broken into. I started to be beyond hysterical. I was mad at myself for locking the hope chest. I was mad at myself for moving my stuff in early. I felt like Rose from The Golden Girls during season one; "The Break In" was one of those episodes that I could never relate to. Until now. I get it. I get how you can feel so incredibly violated. I was so exhausted when we first got to the house and all I wanted to do was take a shower and fall asleep. Not a chance now. Between my outbursts of tears, waiting for the cops to come and dust for prints, and waiting for someone to come and put a piece of plywood over my broken window, I just couldn't think about sleeping. All I could think of was, what a welcome. Is this how my life in Nashville is going to start? It was heartbreaking. It is heartbreaking. I had to wash my sheets again. I just felt like my place was so incredibly dirty. It felt so sad. The house just still doesn't feel like a home. They stole my Grama's coins, but that was really it. Honestly, they weren't very smart burglars because I had stuff that was worth money that they didn't look twice at. I'm very thankful for that. I'm thankful for stupid, uneducated burglars. It made me smile when they searched through my boxes which held my wedding bands. I saved the boxes for sentimental reasons. I bet they thought they hit the jackpot. Jackasses.

If it wasn't for my husband being by my side, I would have left. I would have stayed in a hotel for the night and then drove back to New York the next day. I'm so thankful for him. He kept me sane. He cried with me. He cried for me. He kept me from hyperventilating.

I guess this was the push I needed to get a security system put in as soon as possible. I couldn't afford it. But the gun by my pillow just isn't enough. I'm still waiting on my new window to be put in. The builders wanted to charge me over a thousand dollars: "Well, we have to take the siding off and then replace the whole unit." I told them that I'd look around (my home owner's insurance deductible is a thousand dollars). I was told the glass itself couldn't be replaced. I couldn't believe that. So I searched. I googled. I found. Someone came out and it's going to cost me $360. I don't have the money. I don't have a job yet, but at this point, although I hate it, credit cards might just save my sanity.

It's been a rough first week here. My husband left on Thursday and I have to say it was the hardest day I think I've ever experienced. I've never felt so alone. This doesn't feel like a vacation anymore. It's feeling so real. This decision is becoming very real. And very hard.

I'm hoping this will get easier. I know it has to. It's just such an uncomfortable feeling to not have a job. I miss working. I can't believe I just said that. I miss my job. I miss my friends. I miss my coworkers. I miss the bullshit. Sigh. This will get better. Today was probably one of the best days that I've had so far, besides the day out I had with David Nail Girl . I'm signed up for the YMCA and I swam today for a half hour. It felt amazing. It also reminded me on how out of shape I am. It's official. I need to get my shit together. Every inch of me hurts. I love it. I'm looking forward to going to sleep and waking up to swim and job search. It's a new day soon. I'm thankful that I'll be able to greet it.

Please continue your prayers. I know that they are there. I feel the love. I feel incredibly blessed still. I just need God to stop trying to test me. But as someone told me, God wants to see how bad I want it, that's why he's trying me. I'm up for the challenge. I've got faith.

My 29th Year...

My birthday has come and gone and I couldn't be happier. I felt such a massive build up over turning 29 this year; it's the year before the big 3-0 so of course, as a woman, it's suppose to mean something. I completely fall into this category of women who believe that all things in life need to be accomplished by this age milestone; Marriage, Family, Career.

However, at the age of 29 I've decided that instead of focusing on all of these things, I really have only one thing that I really need to concentrate on: My happiness.

I don't know where we lose this. Where we lose the concept that our lives need to revolve around the needs of others and not on our own needs as human beings. I've had a long year of reflection this past year and I have to say I'm not happy with all of the decisions I've made, but my sometimes in my moments of clarity I start to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I had one of my friends from high school message me while I was in Nashville and I have to say, it brought tears to my eyes. We use to be inseparable back in high school. The older I get, seeing her successes and hopes and dreams makes me excited.

"so...i don't know if you know/believe in the saturn returns...but it turns out it starts around 29 instead of 27 like i orginally thought...which gives me hope because I see you are on a new path and I think I am too...and it bodes well for us both because we can make our dreams come true now!! so that might have been lame, but i hope you enjoy nashville and keep going for your dreams and you and I can laugh and one day remember way back when our journeys to the top!! 

It's amazing what age does and how it changes the desires of your soul. Three of us friends had dreams of making it big, I'm still hoping those dreams come true.

My lyrics have grown through my struggles and through my new sense of creativity. Not only can I write from my own perspective, but my creative side is just overflowing with ideas lately. I've never felt so proud of the work I've done, like the work I'm putting out now. I have such a huge desire to succeed at music. I'm taking lessons. I'm entering contests. I feel proud. Finally.

I'm still struggling with the guitar, but I struggle with everything that I don't feel at home with. If it's out of my comfort zone, I tend to shy away from things instead of pursuing it further. I don't know why I still have a sense that people will judge my passions instead of accepting them. It's a hard struggle when the thing you love in life is the same as so many others. When you're not the only game in town, it's hard to make yourself stand out. Hopefully, with my writing and singing partner by my side, we can do just that. I'm excited. I'm scared. I'm excited.

Please Check Out "Pearls and Poison"

I hope you like some of the stuff you hear. Hopefully, this summer will include some pictures and some more originals and covers. I feel renewed and reinvented. I feel hopeful.

https://www.facebook.com/PearlsAndPMusic