There are Times When I Hate Being a Woman...

Have you ever felt that way?  Even if you're not a woman, have you ever just hated being you?  Even just for a second?  Have you thought about how nice it would be just to have someone else's life just for a moment in time?

When you're walking down the streets of NYC and you see someone with impeccable style and you think, "wow, I wish I had the guts/money to wear that?"  Or you see the girl running on the Hudson river overlooking Manhattan and you think, "I wish I had the energy to do that?"  Then you see the woman pushing a stroller in her skinny jeans and you think, "wow, she's got a baby and she's still got it together."  I don't look that good and I don't have a baby!

Sometimes you just wish you had it all.

You think about buying an extra MegaMillions ticket.  You think about the choices you make on a daily basis that put you where you are.  Maybe I should have bought that extra ticket, maybe then the hubby wouldn't have to go to work.  I miss him when he's at work.

Am I the cheesy housewife?

Yesterday I found myself explaining the Fall weather to the puppy.  She stood on the porch with the wind blowing on her and she looked at me like, "what's going on?"  So I stood there and held her and explained that a storm was coming.  What the hell is wrong with me?!

Never in my life did I think that I would want to have a child.  That's right, I said it.  And it ends up that every month I'm disappointed.

After years and years of saying, "whoohoo, no baby this month."  Now I'm saying, "yea, well, no baby for us."

It's not like we're trying, trying.  I just started having this hope that it would just happen when we least expected it.  Just like finding each other.

I don't want to ever have to make a thing of it.  I hate myself for thinking about it.  I never thought I'd do this.  When we first met we both weren't big on kids; how does it happen?  How do you suddenly change your mind?  I always thought I'd be a career woman.  Now I love being a wife and dream of being a mom to our kid.  Just one, God, that's all I ask for.  But if He's got other plans for me, I'm OK with it.  I swear.  I just wish He'd let me know as soon as possible so I can get this out of my head.

Can I be the woman who has it all?  Can I be the one that has it all together?

I have a great hubby, a great house, a job that I enjoy (most of the time)— I'm just looking for the me that goes for a run because it's what I enjoy (not what I NEED to do), I'm looking for the moment that I can just write books and not worry about the day to day crap that comes with paying bills and making ends meet, and I'm looking for a little baby of our own.  Maybe I can make the first two happen, if I had a little bit more drive.  But the last one is in the hand's of God.  I leave that up to Him.

But where exactly does drive come from?  And how can I cash in on it?

Do you know anyone that has it ALL — maybe it's all a facade.  Maybe we're just made to think that having it all is the way to go.  Maybe I should just be blessed because I have an amazing hubby who loves me more than anything, a family that loves me not because they have to but because they choose to (oh, and Hi Dad, thanks for reading)...  I am a lucky woman.

Maybe I should just count my blessings and stop stressing.

Ughhh...

So I guess I got what I asked for. But I didn't want it to happen this way. I'm sick. So sick that I was given a mask to wear in case I decided to leave the house. No it's not swine flu, but the doctor wanted to take all precautions just in case I got a high fever, then it might be. But I'm on antibiotics, nasal spray, and ibuprofen. I'm starting to cough up stuff— the nice mucus that doctors are famous for asking about the color of— mine is green right now doc, thanks for asking. I think I'm going to start to feel a little better because I can get off the couch. But my body aches, my ears ache, and I can't stop hacking up stuff. It's terrific. I keep drinking lots of green tea with organic honey and trying to drink water, but I just can't stand it right now. So my friends right now are my box of kleenex and my heating pad. My blanket is my frenemy— sometimes I just want to get all bundled up underneath it and then the next second I want to throw it across the room because I feel like it's smothering me and my ability to breath.

My hubby has given me a continuous supply of delicious soup. One day it's chicken and dumpling and today it's italian wedding. Oh how I love the little meatballs that are hidden inside. Unfortunately, the hubby has to work so he can't sit here and take care of me completely. Thankfully I have a mother who is more then willing to help her daughter out. "No matter how old you get, I'm still your mother and you're still my baby!" Isn't she cute? She picked up my medicine from the pharmacy, got me some diet ginger ale, tissues, a thermometer, and some vicks (a sick person's best friend!).

So here I am. Getting nothing accomplished and making no money (that's the one downfall about bartending, you don't exactly get paid sick time). Hopefully tomorrow I wake up feeling refreshed because I can't take anymore time off. The doc says I shouldn't be contagious by tomorrow, so here's hoping. I'm just thankful that I can lift my head up off the pillow. Oh, did I mention how much I love having medical insurance? Such a nice perk of married life.