Have You Ever...

Have you ever had something so set in your mind that when it doesn't happen you just feel so deflated?  So deflated that nothing else seems to matter?

Now, I'm not using this whole, "No, I'm not pregnant yet" thing as an excuse, but man does it drag on your mind...

I have a lot of people who tell me not to think about it, then I have others who tell me to have sex everyday with the hubby, then I have ones who tell me to use ovulation tests, and then others who say to go see a doctor...

It's hard not to think about something when your life has become almost centered around it; I'm planning to have a baby, so I'm not drinking, I'm eating right, and I'm taking prenatal vitamins— it's hard not to think about it.  The sex everyday thing is just not practical, although it may be... stimulating.  The ovulation tests, I think they'd be a last resort; the hubby and I really want to try to just enjoy ourselves and not just have sex to have a baby.  I definitely don't think we're at the point of needing to see a doctor. 

So, if we're not dead set on having sex to have a baby, then why am I bitching and complaining you ask?  I don't know, is the answer.  I guess it's just because I thought it would just happen.  Like I'd be one of those lucky women who just becomes pregnant on the first try.  Or at least the second.  I guess I just never really thought we'd have to try.  I thought, OK, we'll have sex and boom, baby.  I guess it's just not that simple.  And now that I can't get it out of my mind, it weighs on me every month.

Around July I was ready, get set, go on this baby thing.  I was taking prenatal vitamins for six months.  I graduated from college.  I was ready.  But maybe God knows better or has a bigger plan.  Maybe he knows I'm not?

Then why do I feel this emptiness every month?

After the first pregnancy test was negative I started to get a little depressed.  Depression for me equals weight gain.  I don't want to get off the couch, I stop exercising, and I don't eat as well.  So no baby, but baby weight?  That just doesn't seem right.

Finally, in the past few weeks I've got it out of my head that this no baby thing is what my life should be focused on.  I started walking again.  I started my workouts again.  And I've stopped eating processed crap and started eating real food.  All the stuff I should be doing and know that I should do.  It's strange how most dieters could write the book on how to be healthy and lose weight, but when it comes down to doing it, we struggle the most.  

I try to talk to the hubby about it and he tries to be supportive.  He is supportive.  But sometimes when you get depressed and someone wants to talk to you about how to improve your faults, you can't help but get defensive.  He knows what he's talking about, but is it a copout when I say that he doesn't understand because he's never struggled with food or that he's never been a woman?  I think it's all our crazy woman hormones that make this depression/weight thing more of a struggle.  Copout?  Maybe.

I'm thankful that I'm finally getting my head together.  But I'm not going to lie and say that it's not always going to be in the back of my mind.  But I need to start focusing on ME again and not on the possibility of a baby.  So here I am, waving the white flag and basically saying screw it!  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen— I'm done talking about it and I'm done thinking that something is wrong with me if I'm not a mother.  I want to be a mom, but I'm not going to make it the focus of my life unless I actually become one.  

I've tried to let go of the idea before, hopefully this time, it will stick.