Sundays and Crazy Moments...

So I have this crazy lady that comes into my job. And when I say crazy, I mean the crazy cat lady kind of crazy, but say you mix crazy cat lady with some alcohol, and you have my customer. She's a kind soul. She's a sweet woman who I think has had a pretty rough life and she also lives with a crazy note-writing schizophrenic—what a combination!

She's the kind of woman who is extremely talented at expressing herself in poetry and writing, albeit in a kitty cat notebook. She's confessed to me that her family had never believed in her and that they always told her that she could never be anyone special. She cries to me. She laughs. She breaks my heart.

She has become the center of attention for a crew of customers that comes in—literally just to see her. When she walks in the door they cheer her name. I love seeing the smile it puts on her face. We all have a laugh at her expense when she starts dancing or when she starts doing bar stool yoga (i know what you're thinking, but no, really, she does actual yoga moves while sitting on the bar stool). We all chuckle at her little sayings. At her crush on one of the crew. But the best part about the whole thing is that she knows; and she loves it. We make her feel special. We make her feel wanted. She says that with us she feels something that she's never felt in her life. It's all a lot of fun. And I make a great amount of money because of her entertainment, but I can honestly say, when she's moved on from the hotel that's by the bar, I think we're all going to be a little sad.

This past Sunday she told me that she thinks that I'm a good soul. That me and another customer were the most kind-hearted out of the group. That she loves me. I had a bad week and I have to say, it made me smile. She calls me "Scarlett" because she says that I remind her of Scarlett Ohara (I say, I wish I had that infamous 18-inch waist). That I remind her of a movie star or a 1950's pin-up. I don't mind the flattery, even if she's not the best judge.

Sometimes she brings her teddy-bear in to the bar. She calls it, "Father." She wears a fedora which quickly gave her the nickname of, "Crazy hat lady" or "Scarecrow." She brings in her notebook, which she gave me the pleasure to read one night. How heartbreaking. How sad her life has been. How sad her view on the world, but how poignant too. She talks on a cellphone sometimes even if no one's there because as she put it, "sometimes Scarlett, it's just nice to feel important and have other people think you're important too."

I came into work one day and found a present to me from her. I was a tad weirded out, but intrigued. It was toiletrees from a hotel in Atlantic City. She's also tried to give me a half used, knock-off bottle of Chanel No5; telling me that all classy girls should wear Chanel No5, even if they can't get the real thing. I sadly turned her down saying that I only use one perfume, but that I thought the gesture was incredibly sweet. She was upset this week because I didn't receive a toy duck that she bought for my puppies and said that I had to track down the culprit who stole it from me because she spent eight dollars on it and wouldn't see it go to waste for some thief! She then told me that the person who stole it or forgot to tell me about it, must be fired on the spot for being untrustworthy. Don't worry. I found the toy duck. No one was fired. I'm sure my pup Luna will enjoy humping it; although it does make a duck call sound when it's squeezed, so that could make it very interesting.

We've all had our fun at her expense. But I've had a few heart to hearts with her and I know that the fun we have gets her out of a lot of manic moments. I invited her out with a note last week to get her to come and see everyone (also so I could get people to come out to see her!). I felt kinda bad afterwards and some people were saying it was mean. Then I saw her the next day and she told me she cried happy tears for the first time in a long time and that it made her day. She told me she had a really rough night and when she woke up to find a note from me, she couldn't contain herself. Even if it started off with selfish intentions, the night was fabulous and the end result was a very happy woman. I felt redeemed.

At the end of the night on Sunday Funday she told me she was going to take a few days off from the bar to recover because the night was just, "too much fun." There were definitely a lot of moments of dancing, giggling, crying, and singing on her part. She was reveling in the attention. Then before she left she stopped and said, "Scarlett I know you all think I'm crazy, and I'm ok with that, I love you guys, but you're going to think I'm a little bit crazier after I say this, but I thought you should know and I have to say it. It runs in my family; I'm a little bit psychic. Now I know you want a baby right now so bad, but it's just not the time for you. You're meant to do big things. Really big things. You're going to have your baby eventually, but just not now, not at this time. But don't think you're not going to have one, you will. But I'm sorry to say honey it's not going to be a girl like you want, it's going to be a boy. But you'll still love him and you'll have your baby finally. But first you have to do big things."

I almost started to cry. How did this woman know? It's not something I talk about at my job. It's not something I reveal to every soul, especially the wanting a girl thing. It was just a weird moment. There have been so many strange moments with this woman, but this one took the cake and threw me for a loop. I'm sure it could just be some sorta fluke. I mean women my age want babies. Women want daughters. But how strange. I told a few people and some got chills, others thought I was gonna join her in the crazy club. But for someone like me who's had this desire for so many years, to hear those words, from someone that's almost a stranger, how could I not be baffled?

I'm going to miss her when she's gone. And not just because she helps bring in people because they like to watch the show she puts on. Not just because my tips have doubled. People may make fun. They might jest at her expense. But she's a kind soul. A kindred spirit. And I hope we give her a lot of happiness in this crazy world. And if we think our world is crazy on a daily basis, I can only imagine what her world is like. I hope we all never have to experience what it's like to be living in a hotel, sad, alone, and hopeless— with your only friend being a scary schizophrenic with a drinking problem.

I hope she's not just crazy. I hope she's insightful and tad psychic. I hope I am meant to do big things. I sure know that I dream big. Let's hope that her vision prevails on all levels.  I wouldn't mind being on a tour or down in Nashville holding my baby boy. I'm not picky.

A New Life...

How is it that I can feel incredibly happy one second and instantly sad in the next?  My best friend since first grade just had her first child, and I couldn't be happier.  Blake William is perfect.  I'm so excited to be an Auntie and to spoil this little man.  

I held him in my arms for almost two hours and he was just, sigh, perfect.  

He had that baby smell and his skin was so incredibly soft and perfect.  His little cone shaped head with blonde hair covering it— priceless.  The spitting image of his Daddy.  It was amazing to see this little man come from being in mommy's belly one day and then be welcomed into the world the next.  I couldn't stop staring at him.

On the car ride there I cried tears of happiness. Then on the car ride home from the hospital I couldn't stop crying.  And not for the happiness of my friend (how terrible is THAT!) but for the sadness that I feel because the feelings that she's able to experience right now, I may never have.  The joy her husband feels.  The love her mother feels.  That completion of a family.  

I keep saying, maybe I'm not meant to be a mom, maybe I'm meant to do other things... but today, while holding that little man, I have to say, it felt kinda, well... perfect.

Welcome to the world Blake William; It's kind of a scary place, but your mommy and daddy (and your auntie) will help you along the way. It's never easy, but right now, as you're in mommy's arms sleeping, it's kind of perfect- we will all try really hard to keep it that way.

Do You Ever Have Those Moments...

Those moments when you realize that you're no longer a kid?  I mean, I know I'm not a kid anymore, but I also don't feel like a grown-up all the time either.  Yes, I'm married, I've graduated from college, and I own a house that comes with a ton of bills, but I still haven't had one of those moments where I really feel like an adult adult.  

... Our fridge is poorly stocked at all times, I still sleep in till noon when I want to, and my bed time is pretty much an hour past whatever time I roll in from work.  My only real responsibilities are to myself, my hubby, and my puppy (as long as they're both taken care of, it's pretty much going to be a good day).  Then you have those moments where reality hits you and you are reminded that at this age your mother already had two kids, and that right now people are just waiting for you to tell them that you're going to have a child.  Does that mean that my clock is ticking?  Am I really that old?  

No, I'm not pregnant, but my best friend is and having her baby shower this weekend was such a surreal moment in my life.  We've been friends since first grade—it's just different!  I've have friends with children, but this is someone I've known for 21 years!  It's just crazy to think that we're that adult where children are a possibility and binkies and onsies are the new it thing, instead of a new dress from Modcloth.  

I can't wait to meet the little man— I'm pretty much totally head over heels in love with him already (even though he won't kick for me!)  I just can't wait for the reality of his birth to hit me—what would I do with one of those precious bundles?  Could I handle not going on vacation every year?  Or would Grama just have to take her grandpuppy and grandbaby for a week?  

Until we're ready and God is willing to let us have our own, I'm just going to enjoy every moment of my bestie's little bundle of joy.  I can't wait to meet you little man!

Have You Ever...

Have you ever had something so set in your mind that when it doesn't happen you just feel so deflated?  So deflated that nothing else seems to matter?

Now, I'm not using this whole, "No, I'm not pregnant yet" thing as an excuse, but man does it drag on your mind...

I have a lot of people who tell me not to think about it, then I have others who tell me to have sex everyday with the hubby, then I have ones who tell me to use ovulation tests, and then others who say to go see a doctor...

It's hard not to think about something when your life has become almost centered around it; I'm planning to have a baby, so I'm not drinking, I'm eating right, and I'm taking prenatal vitamins— it's hard not to think about it.  The sex everyday thing is just not practical, although it may be... stimulating.  The ovulation tests, I think they'd be a last resort; the hubby and I really want to try to just enjoy ourselves and not just have sex to have a baby.  I definitely don't think we're at the point of needing to see a doctor. 

So, if we're not dead set on having sex to have a baby, then why am I bitching and complaining you ask?  I don't know, is the answer.  I guess it's just because I thought it would just happen.  Like I'd be one of those lucky women who just becomes pregnant on the first try.  Or at least the second.  I guess I just never really thought we'd have to try.  I thought, OK, we'll have sex and boom, baby.  I guess it's just not that simple.  And now that I can't get it out of my mind, it weighs on me every month.

Around July I was ready, get set, go on this baby thing.  I was taking prenatal vitamins for six months.  I graduated from college.  I was ready.  But maybe God knows better or has a bigger plan.  Maybe he knows I'm not?

Then why do I feel this emptiness every month?

After the first pregnancy test was negative I started to get a little depressed.  Depression for me equals weight gain.  I don't want to get off the couch, I stop exercising, and I don't eat as well.  So no baby, but baby weight?  That just doesn't seem right.

Finally, in the past few weeks I've got it out of my head that this no baby thing is what my life should be focused on.  I started walking again.  I started my workouts again.  And I've stopped eating processed crap and started eating real food.  All the stuff I should be doing and know that I should do.  It's strange how most dieters could write the book on how to be healthy and lose weight, but when it comes down to doing it, we struggle the most.  

I try to talk to the hubby about it and he tries to be supportive.  He is supportive.  But sometimes when you get depressed and someone wants to talk to you about how to improve your faults, you can't help but get defensive.  He knows what he's talking about, but is it a copout when I say that he doesn't understand because he's never struggled with food or that he's never been a woman?  I think it's all our crazy woman hormones that make this depression/weight thing more of a struggle.  Copout?  Maybe.

I'm thankful that I'm finally getting my head together.  But I'm not going to lie and say that it's not always going to be in the back of my mind.  But I need to start focusing on ME again and not on the possibility of a baby.  So here I am, waving the white flag and basically saying screw it!  If it's going to happen, it's going to happen— I'm done talking about it and I'm done thinking that something is wrong with me if I'm not a mother.  I want to be a mom, but I'm not going to make it the focus of my life unless I actually become one.  

I've tried to let go of the idea before, hopefully this time, it will stick.