Back into the Swing of Things

I cannot believe that it's been a month since I've blogged! But my life has definitely been in a whirlwind in the past month; I've been busy, very busy. On September 21, my husband and I got married! Officially. The wedding was perfect. In one word, it was just perfect, there is nothing else to describe the day. I never thought that a day could honestly be as magical as our wedding day was. Not one thing would have been changed- from the flowers, to the dress, to the music, to the candle-lit tables, everything was perfect. Surprisingly, I wasn't crying throughout the entire day- I was composed and giddy. I've never been happier in my life. It was a day to be enjoyed and a day that we'll both never forget. I will also remember, forever, the weight that I was on this day: 143 pounds! I have not thought of being under 150 pounds since I left my teenage years, so this accomplishment was more than I ever expected from myself. Not one time did I think, "do I look fat" or anything like that; not a negative thought was in my head. I've never felt more beautiful in my life. I want to weigh this weight 20 years from now- if we ever have a child, after I have the child, I want to weight 143 pounds. I've never felt better in my life. I wake up feeling sexy. My whole outlook on everything is changing- I feel so proud of myself for reaching my goal of weighing 150 pounds- but I actually beat it. I haven't weighed this little since I was 16- almost 10 years ago. My husband couldn't watch me walk down the aisle because he was getting so emotional; in the receiving line, after the wedding, he asked me to do a little twirl for him so he could see me in my dress... all he keeps talking about is me in "that dress!" what an amazing feeling! I know that on my wedding day I looked amazing and couldn't have felt better. What a feeling! I'll never forget this day.

Now I'm back to reality. After 3 weeks of no workouts, I finally went back to Jen, and oh how I suffered! Her thursday class kicked my butt and friday I was feeling all the aches and pains of her workouts, but I have to admit, it felt so good! I've missed that feeling. Today I had a session with Jen and again she kicked my ass. But I'm not complaining because I see the results and I feel the difference in my workouts- she says I've taken my game to the next level... what a compliment! Now I've got to get my best buddy motivated to lose weight too! She's getting married in July and I'm her matron (so weird to say!) of honor and she needs to get motivated to get into her beautiful wedding dress. So, here I am, a newly converted exercise girl and healthy eater, and now I've got to help my best bud. I know it's not going to be easy, but like me, she's got no choice in the matter but to get her ass in gear. So i'm going to be the angel on her shoulder telling her what to do- hopefully I can help her out. First step, Jen Murphy classes. She's such a motivation, so I'm hoping she'll motivate my friend too.

This weekend was Jen, pilates dvd's, and wii fit... I've just got to keep motivated, just like I have been. My mii on wii fit is now at "normal" weight and is looking skinny and trim. I'm at 22 percent body fat. I was at 28. I couldn't be more proud, but I think I said that already. Good things are always worth repeating. I can't wait to wake up tomorrow to some windsor pilates. As my nutritionist doctor has said, dedicate at least 10 minutes everyday to exercise and you'll never fall back to being overweight. With Jen at least 2 to 3 times a week and my wii fit and windsor pilates dvd's I can't fail. I never want to fall back to being overweight again. My husband can't stop looking at me, Oh what a feeling that I never want to lose! I just keep having faith that this feeling will never end.

Guilt...

I feel a little guilty for not going to one of Jen's classes last night, but I couldn't spare a minute of time. I woke up with every intent of going, but unfortunately I was thrown a couple of assignments my way, and had to opt for my computer screen and books instead. I know I needed to do it, but I'm really enjoying my workouts. With this class and work schedule, the only day this week that I'll be able to go is Friday afternoon. It's definitely a bummer. I feel stronger when I leave a session with Jen and I feel invigorated. It's just disappointing that school and work are causing so many conflicts. Maybe once the wedding passes I'll be able to fit more in. It's just that writing 3 or 4 papers a week doesn't leave me much time for myself anymore. And I love time for myself. To curl up with a good book or a cup of hot tea. That's the perfect ending to my day. I just wish I was able to have those perfect days a lot more. I guess I'll have to suck it up for now. As long as I keep my eating in check, I'll still be able to lose these last couple of pounds. Thankfully I do a lot of walking at school and I still try to make time for my 20 minute pilates dvd. I guess I'm starting to realize that I can't do it all. I have to get enough sleep in order to even function throughout the day, so sometimes the working out is the only thing that I can put aside; for now. So right now, I'm doing some class work between classes and sipping on a cup of green tea with lemon (courtesey of my big thermos and my lemon packets). I'm just waiting for those precious hours of sleep that await me tonight. And tomorrow afternoon before class, I hope to get some great stretching in with my pilates dvd. I need it. My back can't take this driving anymore. I'd rather stand all day than do this for 14 more weeks! But alas, I'll be working tonight, so that standing thing will be happening soon enough. I just can't wait for our wedding day... and now my best bud has asked me to be in her wedding in 10 months! It's so much to look forward to... I love getting dressed up and having fun with friends, and now I have an even better body to put clothes on! Yeaahh me! At least that's something that I'm not guilty about :)

Getting So Close...

The big wedding day is just around the corner... 17 days to be exact.  To say I'm starting to get stressed is an understatement, but it will all be worth it to see the joy on our friends and families faces... and more importantly on our own.  My progress has been great when it comes to my diet.  I'm eating 2 meals a day that contain a protein and veggies... and throughout the day I'm turning to veggies and fruit to keep me on track.  I'm down to 148 lbs.  I can't believe I weigh below 150!  It's honestly been about 8 years since I've weighed that little.  I couldn't be more excited.  I just wish I wasn't as stressed as I am.  Between a full work load at school (15 credits) and my full-time job, I'm exhausted.  Some days I'm only getting 2 hours of sleep after work before waking up for classes.  I can't stand commuting anymore.  My back is killing me!  I'm trying to fit in Jen and her classes in every spare moment I can get.  It's worth it.  I know it's worth it all because on our wedding day, I'll never have to worry and say "do i look fat?" I've never felt happier about myself and about the way the hubby looks at me.  It's amazing what 20lbs can do for a woman's self-esteem.  The only thing I long for is more hours of sleep.  Oh the joys of summer, how I miss you!  Today was the first day that I was able to finalize some wedding stuff.  It felt good to get some things done.  It felt great to realize that I really don't have much left to do.  17 days and counting... I can't wait!  I'm so glad I pushed myself to lose this weight before the big day... I may have lost my boobs, but I've gained so much confidence!  Love, love, love this feeling! 

One Month Till the Wedding!

One month till our wedding and I'm on such a perfect path to losing the weight I want to before the big day.  I'm at 151 right now, by the big day I'd like to weigh 145-140.  For me, that's a size 6.  A size 6! I haven't been that size since I was 16 and this time, I'm actually doing it the right way.  Eating right, mostly a diet of protein, fruits and veggies and lots and lots of exercise.  Jen Murphy is a miracle worker.  My body is changing so much and I love looking at myself in the mirror right now.  I can do pull up crunches with ease now.  Crunches are getting easier and easier.  Squats are like nothing now.  The pain is getting easier to bare after my workouts and I feel so energetic.  I'm following Jen's recommendation of making sure I have protein everyday.  I take this protein called New Whey.  It's basically like a shot of liquid.  Not like a needle, it's like a shot of alcohol- but doubled.  It's the easiest way for me to get my protein in and I can drink it right after my workout or keep it in my pocketbook and drink it quick at work.  It's the easiest way for me to get it in- and I don't have to get out my blender or drink some nasty thick shake.  I love this protein.   Check it out.  

Today was my wedding dress fitting.  It was amazing.  The dress is big on me, but they don't want to take it in until my next fitting on September 12th because they don't want to take it in more than once.  My veil was almost finished and my hair clip is amazing.  I'm beyond cloud 9 right now!  Unfortunately, losing this weight has also caused me to lose a lot of my boobs.  It sucks, but I'd rather be thinner with a smaller chest then big with a bigger one.  If the fat has got to go, it can go from anywhere on my body, I'm not too particular.  I can't wait for my next fitting!  So much to look forward to... 30 days!  I'll officially be a Mrs.  

So Jen is adding a Wednesday and Friday afternoon class to her schedule once the kids go back to school.  A 1 pm class is perfect for us night working girls.  That means I might be able to get in 4 days a week with Jen.  I love it... I think I'm getting obsessed with working out.  This is a nice addiction.  I'd rather love this than my obsession with food.  Life is good...

Exhausted but it Feels So Good!

It's another rainy day in New York but thankfully my friend Trish and I were able to get a nice 5 mile walk in before it started to downpour.  It felt good.  I felt energized.  I'm feeling like everyday that I wake up, I decide that it will be a day that I will conquer.  I've been eating really well and my exercise is definitely on track.  It felt nice to walk for 2 hours and not feel like the end just wasn't coming fast enough.  When I first started walking that's what it felt like.  The moment I started, I wanted it over with.  I always wondered how much longer it was going to be before I could just sit back down and get to my second favorite past time: being a couch potato.  Now I honestly feel motivated.  I'm down 8 lbs since I've started this new plan: exercising and eating right at the same time (what a concept!) I'm loving it.  I love feeling like this weight struggle isn't going to beat me; I refuse to struggle with this anymore!  I refuse to be the girl with the pretty face who could lose a few pounds.  

The walk was nice.  I got to spend time with one of my best friends and I got a great workout in.  We came home, sat on my front porch drinking water and watching the rain.  It was a perfect day.  I love the smell of the rain and I love the feel of it.  I'm just hoping it can hold off until the nights so I can at least keep getting my workouts in.  Tomorrow is my first session with Nykki and Jen Murphy.  Can't wait to be in more pain!  Lovin it, Lovin it... 

How to NOT Emotionally Eat!

I've always been an emotional eater.  I was when I was young, and I still struggle with it at 25.  Right now I'm sitting in the waiting room at St. Peter's hospital in Albany, trying to pass some time while my mother is in surgery to remove her womanly parts.  I haven't slept in over 24 hours and all I want to do is cry for my mom, cry for my aunt, and cry for myself.  I've pretty much come to the conclusion that with two female relatives having cancer in my family, it is almost inevitable for me to face the same struggles when I'm in my fifties.  My aunt passed away almost exactly a month ago after a 9 year struggle with breast cancer and now my mom has ovarian.  It's so strange to me.  I always remember as a child that my mom and my aunt would go for walks, eat salads, and fruit salads.  They never wanted to face the same fate that my grandmother held, which was morbid obesity.  Yet, my grandmother passed away at 71- years old and my aunt passed at 61.  My mom is 54, going on 55.  My aunt was diagnosed over 9 1/2 years ago with cancer and fought the most courageous battle.  I couldn't have been more proud of her and I hope she knew that.  We were such a close family when I was younger and I cherish those memories and I only hope that my cousins and I still remain close through the years when we have children and start growing older.  I just think to myself, my mom is 54.  She's so young and my family was hit so hard with cancer-  In the same week we found out of my aunt's sure passing and my mom's diagnosis.  It's been a hard month.  So here I am in the waiting room in Albany and all I want to do is cry.  My mom said to me this morning when I called her to see what time we were meeting for the drive up, that I need to watch myself and make sure I go to the doctor once I have insurance.  It's sad that my mother has to worry about me at 25 - it's sad that she has to worry about me having this damn disease one day.  Cancer- I hate you!  I hate you for putting my family through hell and I hate you for looming around me.  I hate that my mom cries because she no longer has a sister.  I hate that my family has done everything that they're "supposed to do" to take care of themselves and yet this disease still has it's dirty little head involved in all of our lives.  One thinks to themselves, "i'll eat right, i'll exercise, no one says I have to be perfect, but I'll do what I need to do to take care of myself."  And yet it doesn't really matter in the end does it?  My grama didn't take care of herself a day in her life.  She went to weight watchers meetings and then went out to dinner afterwards with her "friends."  She was a sad woman most of the time.  Food didn't make her happy but it helped her mask all the pain she was really in.  Food was the thing she lived for.  Any excuse to eat was an excuse for her to feel happy.  It wasn't the food, it was the companionship.  (A lady just walked around with a basket of food- I took a graham cracker- I didn't reach for the cookie)  So here I am, in a waiting room, staring at a number on a screen that represents my mom- I'm waiting for my moms fate.  Has the cancer spread?  Did they catch it quick enough?  All these questions are running through my mind, yet the person I want to talk to and cry with is lying in the OR, the other is at home laying in bed.  I'm not good with emotions.  I wear them on my sleeve.  I always have.  I want to ball right now, but I know God is listening and this collossal joke that is cancer will not rear its ugly head in our lives anymore.  Are you there God? it's me Dana.  And I'm tired of crying over my weight.  I'm tired of trying to take care of myself if this is all pointless.  So if, in your infinite wisdom you decide to take my mom from me, or you decide to take me from my mom, let me know now.  I'm tired of fighting and struggling to get this thing under control if it's just not worth it.  For years my aunt and my mom walked, they ate salad, they ate fruit and they took care of their families.  They did what I'm doing now.  So let me know, is it worth the effort?  Cuz right about now, I want to grab a cookie...

My new kicks and old memories

I've got new running shoes.  Asics 2140 and so far I love them.  They've also got a 15 day return policy if I end up not liking them (this is from the store Finishline). One of my best friends is a physical therapist and so I asked her for her recommendation for new shoes.  I've got an alignment problem that I've had since I was a kid.  It affects my hips, my knees, and my ankles.  I'm pigeon toed from it, which sucks but I've kind of accepted it.  It was worse when I was a kid so I kinda don't think about it anymore, it's just the way I walk.  My hubby mentioned something about how he hates  how people sometimes look at the way I walk and he gets defensive (he told me this on vacation).  He meant it as he gets protective of me, but I never realized that it affected him at all.  I don't think about it, so I guess I think no one does.  I remember one of the first times I met my mother-in-law and she asked if I was bow legged.  That crushed me, but I haven't really thought about it since my hubby mentioned it.  Now I've been a little paranoid about it, so I've been asking my friend on how to help it.  Seems like there's nothing I can do but keep training and toning my body.  Another reason to work out and lose weight added to my list.