I'm Obsessed...

Do you ever look at your iPhone and think to yourself, "this is so much cooler than Back to the Future"— I do, all the time.  For some reason I compare my iPhone to things I grew up watching in that movie.  For some reason, it's my benchmark for all things that I thought the future would be.  

The other day, with nothing on TV, the hubby and I started watching parts one and two and all I could think to myself is that my iPhone is so much cooler than anything that Spielberg thought of in this movie.  Then of course I thought to myself, "whoa, what happened to the first Jennifer?" 

Isn't it funny that I instantly looked it up on my iPhone.  Now, how cool is that?  You know how long it would have taken me to find out that information if I wondered this in like 1995?  What a good daughter she was!

I'm obsessed with my iPhone. I love FaceTime.  I think everyone in the world should have an iPhone and FaceTime- then maybe we all wouldn't miss out on watching our families grow up and then we wouldn't grow a part.  Those stupid commercials that introduced FaceTime, they made me bawl my eyes out every time!

Then of course there is Words with Friends— the whole reason I needed a Lifeproof case so I could still play while taking a bath.  Yup, I'm that obsessed!

I just think to myself, look how far we've come!  Can you believe that we have these little computers/phones in our pockets?  We can literally look up anything at any moment.  I think to myself that my grandparents would have never of believed the technology we have today because I can't even believe it.  I wonder what kids today will see over their lifetime!  I bet they watch Back to the Future and laugh; Me, I'm beyond amazed, but I'm still waiting for my iPhone to flip out some holigrams, then I'll be beyond impressed!  

A Lazy Sunday...

I love myself a lazy Sunday, but not one that includes not being able to actually do anything but lay on the couch.  Although I do love my couch.  I'm not one for this nauseous feeling and for hugging the porcelain, but I guess we all have these days.  I'm hoping my day of it ends soon.

I'd much rather have a day off where I actually feel like moving.  Like right now, I definitely need to charge my laptop, but that would include me getting up to find the charger.  So, I'll just hope that this post is finished before it dies— today I'm thankful for blogger auto save.

I did do my part this weekend and participated in "Small Business Saturday."  I moved my hubby's over sized leather recliner (that I told him was too big for our living room while we were out shopping last year) 

and bought a fabulously deep chair that's just perfect for curling up in.  I bought it from a local store that has been in business for like 80 years; sure I spent a lot more money, but the quality is better and it's a piece I'll hopefully have for a lifetime. I absolutely love it!  

He loves it too, at least that's what he says.  He pretty much lets me do whatever I want when it comes to decorating— doesn't that just make him the best husband?  At least I think it adds to his rating!

For now, I'm going to curl up in my chair with my Marilyn Monroe "Fragments" book and wait for my hubby to bring me some Shop Rite brand iced tea.  I don't know why but it always makes my tummy feel better when I'm not feeling good (that's right, I just said "tummy").  Doesn't being sick just make you want your mom to come and cuddle with you and rub your back?  Or is it just me?

Sometimes...

I just have to be reminded of how lucky I really am.  I know I'm lucky.  I know I'm blessed.  But it really gets hard sometimes to keep things in perspective and remember that, especially when you're knee deep in it.

I love the holidays.  Everyone loves the holidays, so I'm sure that was a silly statement, but I do.  They make me smile.  They make me remember the good memories I had from when I was a kid when all my family was together.  That's the part that makes me sad.  I haven't been able to make any good memories around the holidays in the past few years.  My hubby works.  Almost all holidays.  It's the life of a civil servant I guess.  I work holidays, but not all holidays.  That's the life of a bartender and restaurant manager I guess.  So I have this weird split between what is reality now for what the holidays are, and what my memories keep telling me the holidays are.

I want the holidays to be big again and for all of my family to get together and continue building memories.  But that's not possible.  We all have separate lives in separate states.  And none of us have kids to keep traditions going for.  It makes me sad.  I keep remembering the good old days.  I keep on trying to think of ways to build memories or make new traditions, but it's hard.  Especially, when the one you love and want to be with can't be with you on these days.  I don't blame him, I just wish it could be different.

I wish my brothers lived closer.  I wish we could start traditions in our family like we use to have in my mother's family.  I guess I get a little too nostalgic around the holidays.

I remember my brother always needing to put the tree up the second that the food was done; I'm pretty sure we always made fun of him for that— now I miss it.  The two of us would always wake up for the Macy's Thanksgiving day parade because the holidays can't officially start until Santa ends it and welcomes in the season!  Now, I wake up just in time to see Santa— at least I have that.

Everyone I talk to around my age says the same thing— the holidays just aren't like they were when we were kids.  I guess it never will be the same.  Between growing old, moving a part, divorced parents, separate lives, no little kids running around, and separation- things just will never be like what we remember them to be.

But today I am thankful.  I'm thankful for a mother and step father who are my rocks and always try to make the holidays seem special and always bring out the good China for when I'm at their table.  I'm thankful for the friends I have that treat me like a family member and made me feel like one of their own in their home today;  Marianne and Ansel you are a beautiful couple that make me want to live my life to the fullest, we may be years a part in age, but when it comes to love, we all love like children—unconditional.  Brittany, thank you for coming to my mother's table with me and sharing the holiday with us; things might not be the same as when we were kids, but we still have time to make our own traditions.

To my love, we may not be able to be together on the holidays, but we're always together.

Maybe I should break out the Christmas music.  Maybe I should put up the tree.  Maybe I'll just take a long hot bath;  I'm pretty sure that's my best option.

Do you have holiday traditions you miss or as you grow older, have you learned to adjust and make new ones?  Life is a constant adjustment, I guess I have to learn to go with the flow.

I guess I just need to know that I have things to be Thankful for and I should be happy that I have memories of fabulous holidays to always look back on... 

Happy Thanksgiving!

Almost a Month...

It's been almost a month since I started to feel like a kid again.  When I was ten I remember sitting on my front porch and looking across the street and not being able to see the leaves on the trees anymore- just blobs of green color.  I remember becoming scared about taking the eye exam at school the next time it came up.  Oh God, I knew I'd have to get glasses!  And when I was in school, glasses weren't fashionable and they weren't worn just to look cool- they were metal framed and round and you were lucky if at best you only had to wear them just to see the chalkboard.  Thankfully, after I failed the test and had a good cry, I did only have to wear them for the chalkboard.  

Since I was about 13 or 14 I've had to wear contacts or glasses on a full-time basis.  It sucks.  It always has sucked.  Even though the glasses have become cooler and the contacts had become more comfortable to wear, I kept dreaming of the day where I would be able to see again without them, if that was at all possible.  I heard about my cousin getting LASIK done and thought, "If I ever have the money, I'm totally getting that!"  For years I kept on saying to my mom that I was going to get it done- but then LIFE got in the way; a car, college tuition, then a wedding, and then a mortgage.  Finally, I just decided one day, after my contacts ran out, that I was going to do it.  My insurance through my hubby was crap for glasses and I rationalized getting the surgery because over the years, I'd pretty much pay more for contacts and glasses then I would for the surgery.  So I got the information, traveled to Philadelphia, and started to get the ball rolling.  I was going to be able to see again.  No squinting.  No more fear of fans drying my eyes out.  No more Mr. Magoo.

I'm not a JETS fan, this was all for the hubby, a day before my surgery.

Let me tell you, the fear of the surgery, the fear of the unknown, the fear of going blind, was so much worse than the actual surgery!  I couldn't sleep for two days.  The anxiety was killing me!  Everyone was telling me to calm down, but could you imagine the fear?!  It's not like getting bridgework done, it's messing with your eyesight!   

After having to wear my glasses for a month straight and getting plenty of "sexy librarian" comments, which by the way, I didn't mind too much, I finally went in for surgery.  After a last bit of testing, I was told by my nurse how fabulous my glasses were while another nurse told her not to say that right before I was going in for LASIK!  They were so friendly and the laugh helped calm my nerves, along with some calming drugs; then I was given a sexy paper gown, shoes, and hat—I was going in for surgery.  

My hubby was prepared to sit it out for the long haul while I was in surgery.  Little did he know, it wasn't going to last long.  

A nice nurse in a paper gown came to get me out of the waiting room and reluctantly left my hubby's arm.  She asked me my name and asked me what I was in for.  After being a little drugged up, I said, "my eyes."  She definitely had a good laugh because apparently I was suppose to say LASIK, because there are different kinds of eye surgeries going on at Kremer.  

I was laid down on a chair that looked like a dentists' chair and the doctor greeted me by asking me my name once again.  And then the sci-fi moments began...

I remember Dr. Aronsky, who is so nice, and not too shabby looking either, asking me to close my eyes and then he said he was going to push on my eye to see how the pressure would be on my eye and if I was ok with it; it was nothing.  He put this little circular thing in my eye to hold it open, and then it started.  I remember laying there and knowing that my eye was open, but I couldn't see, everything went black and I thought to myself, Oh Geeze what is going on...  I felt something circle my eye, but it wasn't painful, I just knew something was happening.  In the background I heard one of the friendly nurses doing a countdown, "19 seconds doctor, 14 seconds..." and then when that countdown was done they went to the other eye and the countdown continued.  When they said they were done with that part of the surgery I felt like I couldn't open my eyes.  It was a weird feeling.  I didn't know if my eyes were open or closed.  They gave me a blanket because I was cold, and then they told me to open my eyes and see if I could get up and walk to the next laser.  I said I couldn't for some reason, but they convinced me I could, I did, and then moved to the next chair.  

The doctor asked me how I was doing and I said fine in a very loopy voice.  Then I told him that this felt like,"sci-fi shit" with the countdown going on and all the feelings and sights, it definitely felt like a sci-fi movie.  He laughed and agreed on it being sci-fi shit and then he said that the hard part was over.  I couldn't believe that because it felt like nothing!  Just, weird.

They then covered my face and covered one eye while they started work on the other.  Again, my eye was held open and the doctor told me every step of what he was doing.  It was so weird to see what was going on but not feel a thing!  I was told to continue to stare at a yellow beam and then I was told to listen to the sound of the laser just so I wouldn't be startled by it later.  I saw water go over my eye with a little tool that looked like what you'd see at a dentist— you know how weird it is to see water go over your eye, but you can't feel it!?  It's weird; the first reaction to water is to normally close your eyes, but with this it was like looking at it with glass over top, it looked cool.  Then air came, then it kinda looked like he was painting something on my eye, possibly my lens thing?! I don't know!  and the order could definitely be messed up, but then I heard the "da da da da da" of the laser and it was over with.  Then we were on to the other eye.  Again, the countdowns were going, "19 seconds, 10 seconds..." Hearing people working around you working and saying, "yes doctor"-  Now I know what the aliens feel like in those sci-fi movies!  

After a minute they sat me up and told me all was finished.  It was like my eyesight was better but like swimming under water.  Just a little grainy.  I got up and walked to a room where the doctor checked my eyes and said the nurse would be in with my care package and that I was good to go.  With my fabulous goggles.  

Had to wear this fabulous eye wear every night when I slept for a week.

I came out of the office and my hubby looked up and couldn't believe I was done.  It took ten minutes.  Literally.  

I could see.  My eyes felt like they had sand in them and I didn't want to keep them open.  They also make sure that for healing you have to have them closed for six hours.  I fell asleep on most of the car ride home and then when my hubby stopped for food I peeked out from my goggles and noticed that I could see!  Like no longer grainy, but my eyes were still sensitive.  The surgery was done at two in the afternoon.  After I woke up from sleeping at nine at night, my eyesight was perfect!  No sandy eyes.  No pain.  No sensitivity.  It was amazing!  I cried and cried.  

The next day I drove down for my follow up appointment and couldn't stop crying over how amazing it felt to see.  I was back at work that day too.  My only complaint is that I never saw Dr. Aronsky again to thank him personally for the amazing gift I received.  How do you thank someone for the gift of sight?  You honestly can't.  It's something I dreamt of but never thought I'd have.  No more glasses, which disappoints some people, but makes me smile from ear to ear.  It was the best decision I ever made.  I can't wait for the summer so I can swim under water with my eyes open again and really feel like a kid with not a care in the world.  I can get splashed in a pool, I can shower without my contacts falling out, I can use fans, and I can work my long hours without pain. 

It's been almost a month and I've never felt more free.  The first two days I had to set my iPhone every hour for eye drops, but let me tell you how soon you forget the little inconveniences once you can see!  I can wake up whenever and be able to see.  I can run and be able to see the leaves on the trees.  It's the most amazing feeling in the world.  I've never felt more happiness.

Halloween, four days after my surgery

So it's Been Insanely Long...

Like I can't even tell you the last time I read a blog, let alone, wrote one.  I am the worst kind of blogger.  The one that finally gets people to read some of her stories and then stops dead in her tracks because that whole thing called LIFE gets in the way.  I'm not going to try to redeem myself here, not even for a second... ok, maybe I will.

I love blogging, but I started to get all into this whole working out thing and started to actually enjoy going to the gym- one opened up a little less than a mile from my house- so I honestly had no excuse not to go.  So those mornings when I would normally sit my lazy ass on the couch with a cup of tea were suddenly being spent waking up and going immediately to the gym.  NEVER in my life did I ever believe I'd be the person who wakes up and before even a taste of caffeine hit the gym!  But here I am- a certifiable gym rat. When I missed two weeks after getting LASIK eye surgery about a month ago, my first day back I was met with greetings by my fellow gym goers asking where I was and if everything was OK.  I guess the two weeks off did me good too because they also told me I looked fabulous.  Oh, hell, eating right and exercising on a regular basis does actually do good things for your body!  Who would have thought!? What a crazy concept right?  I've done the gym classes and I've had great results, but the way my body looks now, is just, well, like pure happiness.  I'm far from perfect and I'm far from done, but I'd say I'm 90 percent happy with where I'm at.  So, if I lag a little, well a lot, at the whole blogging thing, give me a little leeway because you should just know how HOT i'm looking right now and smile for me!  I'm not being conceited, I'm just being a little fat girl that realized she doesn't always have to be, if she's willing to put the effort and time into it.  Somehow my blog always ends up going back to me and my weight.  I guess that is my LIFE.

I'll post pictures at some point.  But right now, I didn't feel like going all out.  I just wanted you to welcome me back.  I didn't realize how many people actually read my posts until I went to my hairdresser and she asked me where my blog was, and then a relative, and then another... it made me feel good and then horrible because I never realized so many people read it!  So thanks to my blogger creepers!  I'm glad you're out there, even if you never let me know!

I've also been working a lot at my job and stepping into a manager role which has definitely been taxing on my time and my emotions, but I'm trying to find time to do my music and continue to write.  I don't want to live a life without passion and writing is that for me.  I've been so inspired in the past year to get my butt in gear and continue to sing and to write.  I'm trying to find like-minded people who have the same goals as me, but time and LIFE always gets in the way.  But I know beautiful music is going to get made and that makes me smile and keeps me writing.

I've updated you a little... please allow me to welcome you back into my life and i'm really hoping that you'll let me back into yours.  I hope you're all still out there and are looking forward to what is to come... I've promised my mom I'd set up a YouTube account and start copyrighting my music so I can get it out there.  Sometimes all you need is the right people in your life to light a fire under your butt to get you back into the swing of things; I'm glad I have the best people in my life to do so.